Allow God to work in your life, to be in control…

1/28/14
I just got another SAT book, this one from Barron’s, but the Black book says these books don’t help much. I think though that this book will help more with the concepts I need to study and get more practice with, mainly because I haven’t done work like this in 20 years. Man, I’m old!

I’m still working out, but my back hurts; I would give anything to see a chiropractor. It is like I have a pinched nerve. I know an adjustment would take care of it. I got my grievance back today, and they said they asked the officers to consider turning off the light at a decent hour from now on, but their excuse is that the inmates need to shave or to move around after 10. But, they should start this earlier in the evening. It’s not like we’re doing anything else, anyway.

You are so beautiful, and I miss you so! You mean so much to my well being! Thank the Lord for your presence in my life. Things will become easier as we learn God’s will for our lives. I love your enthusiasm! You help me keep my excitement up while I focus more on reading and studying more.

The heat issue just can’t get resolved. They won’t repair this heating system, and sometimes it works, and sometimes not. Now that I had to turn in my extra clothes I about have to stay under the covers all day to stay warm with only one pair of socks and a shirt. I’m so afraid of getting sick, and I can only work out for a little while and then sometimes I start to hurt. It has been such a blessing to keep the health I do have. An extra mat to sleep on would sure help my back; heaven forbid I ever get to feel a real mattress again…

1/30/14
Don’t worry so much about the move; you are making too much of it, and not trusting God enough. Bring yourself back to God so he can guide you down the correct path.

I’m not sure about this lawyer either. They should be answering us sooner, but often work on their own time, not our. I’m not disagreeing with you about the investigator either, but remember everyone wants as much money as they can get. Pray about this, and don’t allow others to influence you by getting you all riled up. Calm down and talk to God. I do believe things should be moving quicker, but God is in control, so wait on Him!

2/1/14
Every aspect of our life should be spent thanking God for all He has created. I am so blessed He sent me a friend like you, who takes such good care of our children. It was such a blessing to be allowed to go outside today, around 7:20 a.m. The CO’s didn’t make fun of us as they usually do. Praise God for changing their hearts! It was around 35 degrees, so not too bad, and I got to talk to some of the guys out here today. They let us stay outside for about an hour and a half; my toes were numb, but it was worth it! We should be getting our reviews soon, someone said, and that some of us could be shipped out.

It was so great to get a shower tonight. I didn’t notice the time, but they were sort of rushing everyone, and the shower were finished by 9 p.m. Normally it would be after 10:30, leaving most of us to wait 20 or 30 minute. And, they turned out the lights – Praise God! It is so great to rest without all of the blaring lights.

2/3/2014
Good day, Rochelle. How are things at home? I hope they are well. If not, tell me about it. May God’s peace be with you at home and in your hearts. Every day poses these problems, but each day Jesus gives His love to me to comfort my despair. Sorry for not writing more. I’ve been trying to listen to God more, an staying still. God doesn’t make mistakes, so when are you going to see your worth? You are so valuable for His work on Earth. Kneel down and ask for guidance, for your head to stop spinning. You are not taking enough time for God.
Slow down!
Get off of that computer more, and listen to God! Read His word. I’ve been a very stubborn man, and am finally ready to listen to His guidance and to hear His voice! I had allowed my life experiences to harden my heart, and now the Holy Spirit continues to break the outer man and to see how the world had me in its grip. Allow God to work in your life. When you allow God to be in control, then your life can truly begin.

Hebrews 12:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

1/23/14

I received the Black SAT Prep book yesterday and began reading it.

Looking over all of this material makes me scared; it’s been a long time since ’91 when I graduated high school, and I can’t get any extra study guides off of the internet. I haven’t seen algebra in almost twenty years, and I never had Geometry! I know this is going to be tough, but God has a plan for me to succeed. I’m just not sure how to get help. I will check in the library here to see if there are any text books, but I doubt it, and the GED teacher is not friendly. But, it could be due to some of her students…

Didn’t you take this in 1989? What was your score? I need help with passage-based reading, sentence completion, all of the math…they are recommending a ‘Blue Book’, and it references this other book a lot. I’m reminded of Hebrews 12:11, so knowing this isn’t going to be joyful right now, I will endure the training, because of the importance of the end results.

I’ve been so lonely, and just gave my heart to the Lord

Sorry, I took a few days off and listened to football games.

Carolina lost, but they played hard for the first half, just seemed to lose focus. We do that, forget to keep our eyes on God.

God has to be centered in all that we do, so that we can truly come to know His power. Once it becomes about ourselves, the God is lost to us. We have to surrender ourselves to God, so that the fight comes through Him. This will be the only way that our truth can be revealed, by how we speak, live our lives, and surrendering to what ‘is’. When we rush things, we hinder God’s plan.

These past few days have been so cold, with the men complaining, but doing nothing in writing. I am amazed by how cold it is for us in here. I miss you so much. I’ve had to wear all of my clothes, and it’s gotten down to 0 degrees in the night.  I hope to get some more coffee in a couple of days to help ease it off a little.

Thank you so much for sharing with me what is going on at home; I so miss being a family. Even the little things about washing dishes with you after you made a mess all over the kitchen from one of your great, home cooked meals, the faces the boys make, their shenanigans, and excuses at bedtime and running all over the house.

I did finally get the new diet today. They kept trying to give me a regular one, but I sent it back. I’m not going to give them something to cancel it for, when I’ve worked so hard to get it! I got some exercise in today, and that helped warm me a little.  No pain today, which is a good sign.

I want you to calm down about the lawyer; I think you’ve scared them, I know how you can be. Be patient, I’m sure they have many cases, and God is working things out as He sees fit. Take some deep breaths and stay calm. Nothing much rattles your cage, except maybe a horse falling in the pool with the cover on it, or a nest of wound up yellow jackets..lol, but we all have different skill sets and abilities, and can then draw a complement in a mate.

I hope to see you on Wednesday, it was such a blessing to see the boys! It caught me off guard and was such a surprise. If you can’t make it this week, I understand. …

1/15/14

You are so beautiful today, you walked in with such confidence. You have been a great example for our children.

I got back to my cell and there were some papers by my door. Someone had tried to set up a visit but forgot to add a driver’s license copy, so it was good that I had not quite finished the letter to my friend. Now I am able to request new forms, and explain what happened in this letter and mail them together. God created a way for me to save a stamp, which is always good to do in here. He always keeps our circumstances in mind.

I’ve been so lonely, and I just gave my heart to the Lord and cried for a long time, my heart is just so sick from this isolation and separation. When I calmed down, I opened my devotional to Psalms 4, and cried even more, it was entitled, “Sweet Rest”. I feel he answered my prayer with your visit. He gave me sweet mercy, and also you enough gas to make the visit. My heart is filled with joy.

Psalm 4
King James Version (KJV)
4 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.

The prison has never addressed my pain post-op

12/27/13 I received your letter, with the grievance and the emails from Congressman Howard Coble, and as well as the Senator Trudy Wade. Your grievance to the Guilford County CPS/DSS was remarkable.

How much pain it must have been to relive our time with them. God must truly be behind this path, for Him to help you endure that torture again, remembering each detail.

I hope you will feel better soon. I continue to pray for your health to improve. For myself, I want so badly to feel whole again. I attempted to exercise Monday, and paid for it, dearly. I began standing toe touches, slowly working down to my toes, only doing 26 at a time.  Along with standing bicycles, with my elbows bending to touch my knees, 25. Also, side bends, with 50 in a set. Then 25 pushups in a set. I ended up with 100 toe touches, 100 standing bicycles, as many push ups and 2oo side bends. Now remember, before this surgery I was doing 1,000 pushups. This morning, I couldn’t even get out of bed without dragging myself along, as my right side hurt so bad. I took ibuprofen all day long. It didn’t stop for three days! So, I am nothing near ‘normal’ for me. The prison has never addressed my issue with pain post-op, and there is still something wrong with my intestines. There seems to be a lump  I can feel with the toe touches.

Your short letter brought me so much joy that you mailed with the second prison complaint follow-up from November. I wept to think how much I mean to you that you would put yourself in front of all these state people for me. Even as you face so much adversity, you continue to encourage me to try harder in here to be heard.

Only God can know my heart, Rochelle. I was never good at words to tell you how much you mean to me.

12/28/13

They woke me up at 6:25 a.m. to tell me I had to pack up, and am moving to D-wing. I only got two hours of sleep from the door slamming, and am exhausted and grouchy. In the new cell, the light is directly overhead, but

the air is not facing me when I sleep! Praise God, it is barely moving in the vent! I will not have to wear all of the extra clothes. There is also a seat now, whereas I had to write while hunched on the edge of my sleep ledge before. I did lose my extra mat to lie on. We sleep on what looks like a kindergarten mat, no mattress.

So, everything you’re writing to these people is starting to get to them here. I trust God will keep improving conditions through you!

I wrote to my case manager, and he answered back saying that my review date for seg has been moved forward to January, instead of waiting until February. There is a chance I may get out of seg by the end of January. Even moving to the close ops would be an improvement!

I know that this false charge has been a way for us to be put in a place to stay still and seek Him for our strength.

Thank you for allowing God to build a better relationship with us, and Him. We have grown so much closer in the past four months, and my own strength and belief is much stronger now.  I miss you so much!

I am reading Wednesday’s paper that I got on Friday today, as I draw each one out so they last through the weekend. this helps me to have some distraction in this new place. I’ve finished the bible study correspondence you sent. I wish I had a longer, harder one. In this new area, I’ve noticed that there are many in here to talk to themselves, even to the point of answering. So, this is where the ones go that have to stay long periods. I was in a revolving door wing, for those with only 40 days or so time.

This is no way to exist. No wonder they crack. God help us all. I now don’t feel alone in my distress.

I simply thought I was weak.

The torture is not something one can fight; it is administered on us day after day.

I am now in a room with very little space to move. The handicap room had 20 more square feet of space.

That is tremendous loss of space! But, I can see the sun through the windows now, and it warms my wall! Praise Him for the small things, always. I don’t have to wear all of those layers, and …I won! I won, I won, 30 stamps! So far no losses with 15 games .

I’ve been trying to clean. Obviously the last one here had some disagreements with the staff of Marion Correctional ICON.

I can’t remember the last night I slept more than two hours. That psychologist needs to stay in here for a few weeks with only two hours of sleep and see if she still calls it ‘normal’. Or maybe more like four months like this.

Now, I can hear a t.v. Can’t see it, but it is such a blessing to at least hear something normal, anything. I can hear the news, and I may be able to even hear the Super Bowl! If I’m still back here, of course.

God has been working through you in such great ways. Rest and follow God’s instructions. I so long to hold you in my arms. You are such an unselfish woman who has allowed her outer self to be broken so that God’s spirit may truly shine for the world to see. Through all of our trials and suffering God breaks the ‘outer self’ so He might shine through on the earth. As we embrace the suffering, and accept the need to surrender, then true work is done!

(Battle of Carchemish) Jeremiah 46 ~ 10 For this is the day of the Lord God of hosts, A day of vengeance, That He may avenge Himself on His adversaries. The sword shall devour; It shall be satiated and made drunk with their blood; For the Lord God of hosts has a sacrifice In the north country by the River Euphrates. 11 “Go up to Gilead and take balm, O virgin, the daughter of Egypt; In vain you will use many medicines; You shall not be cured.

Even if  I have to  be like Jeremiah and proclaim God’s word for 40 years, so be it! You should see me dancing around my room.

I won!

Complaint to the NC Bar, 2012, Unanswered, 2 years later

Complaint to the North Carolina Bar, 2012, continued explanation of prosecutorial misconduct of Maury Hubbard, III
…………………..

Concealment of Material Facts. – Intentionally encouraging the concealment of material facts relevant to the identity of the driver in a driving under the influence prosecution is prejudicial to the administration of justice. Such conduct raises serious doubts as to the attorney’s desire to bring about a just result in such a prosecution and adversely reflects on the attorney’s fitness to practice law. North Carolina State Bar v. Graves , 50 N.C. App. 450, 274 S.E.2d 396 (1981).

1. One example of how Mr. Hubbard violated the Rules of Conduct through leading the witnesses. The extent to which he does this not only involves dishonesty, but also serious interference with the administration of justice. As the Prosecution only had one witness upon which they based their entire presentation, it was crucial that the jury believe the credibility of the investigators to determine my guilt or innocence, as well as to corroborate with Veronica’s allegations. However, when it came time to testify, the official investigators of the case, Detective Short and CPS investigator Marcel Edwards, could not even remember key elements of the case.

Ms. Edward’s testimony begins on p.378 of the third set of transcripts, (see enclosed). By the time the transcriptionist gets to the second page (379)of the testimony, (document 15)Mr. Hubbard is leading the witness. See lines 4,5, she doesn’t even remember the year in which the case was opened. The farther Ms. Edwards gets into her testimony, the more difficulty she has. (See p.387). Document 16 Lines 5 – 13. In an attempt to save face if the assistant DA is going to salvage Ms. Edward’s credibility, he asks the Court, “may she retrieve her bag?” She then goes down, comes back up with some notes. Then, on line 16 he asks to approach the witness. At this point, he sits down on Ms. Edward’s arm rest, and begins pointing at the places he wants her to read. We never hear real testimony by the witness. Hubbard is leading the investigator the entire time. He obviously does not trust the witness to speak for herself, which keeps the juror from hearing from the real witness.
The jurors then are not able to be allowed an unbiased chance to evaluate her testimony. He even comments on and admits to her having complete access to her notes, lines 19-23:
Referring to your-your notes of your interview with Veronica, does that refresh your recollection as to any details that Veronica provided about what happened to her during the course of – of the interview? Yes, very much.

On the next page, he clearly has created “a pattern of Asking improperly Leading Questions,”(State vs. Collins, Forrest Scott, S. 058537) See p. 387, Line 25, p. 388 lines 1-25
And did she provide more information than what you just told the jury? Yes. Would you relate to the jury having refreshed your recollection what – what she actually told you? Veronica stated that approximately three years ago when she lived in Pennsylvania….She stated that it took place six or seven months after I think she had arrived in North Carolina. (Lines 11-13) Ms. Bailey: I’m going to object to her reading her notes to refresh – The Court: Sustained.
Clearly one can see the impropriety of Mr. Hubbard’s line of questioning. It is a point of fact that Ms. Edwards goes to her bag to retrieve her notes. There is no way this information was part of the submitted evidence. Stating precedent in (People vs. Parks (1971) 4 Cal.3d 955, 960-961), “Statements which have no independent basis of admissibility may not be introduced under the guise of refreshing a witness’ memory.” If it is necessary to refresh the memory of a witness through the use of a prior recorded statement, that statement should not be read aloud before the jury,(State vs. Collins, p.13)
We can see that the witness’ credibility is going downhill, and she continues to read from her notes, and the Court on line 18 of the same page directs her to “Summarize”. This continues on p. 389, as Mr. Hubbard asks a second time to approach the witness, line 9. At this point, he leans over Ms. Edwards and points to where he wants her to read, Line 11, Referring you to your- to this portion of your report…

It is quite unlikely that Mr. Hubbard could have gotten the same information from Ms. Edwards had he not been leading and directing. It was if he were testifying for Ms. Edwards, as she mainly recited what he pointed to her to read, instead of allowing her to exhaust her own personal memory. This goes beyond harmless error because Mr. Hubbard’s intention was to simply repeat earlier testimony that would inflame or incite the jury, rather than furthering the cause of justice. Mr. Hubbard’s persistence in having Ms. Edward’s simple recitation of what was already stated previously deprives me of my 5th Amendment Right to due process, which equates to “fundamental fairness”. That includes the right of having a person or panel making the final decision over the proceedings be impartial in regards to the matter before them.

…to be continued…..

I wonder if they miss us

I truly miss our family. Even with all of the problems.

I had a dream last night that I was out of seg and had a visitor.

I entered the busy visitation room with all of the noise and bustle, and looked all around for you.

Then I heard, “Daddy”! I turned around and there she was, even though I knew immediately.

She had that same squeal just as she used to when I came home from work.

It seemed so real to see her, and she had brought a young man with her, as well.

I wonder if she was thinking about me; if she and my other two sons miss all of the things we used to do as a family, all of the trips and soccer games and wrestling with her brothers and riding her horse, the trips to the beach you’d save up for so we could all go, the times we’d drive to the mountains of NC and cut down our own Christmas tree and drink hot cider and spend the night. It all seems so far away and dreamlike, now.

I miss my children, Shel. All of them. Even after all of the trouble, hurt and pain they have caused; they have been through so much. When I would throw them all around in the pool, she would do the same thing.

It is so hard to be in this position, of hurt, anger and love, and then the misery of being here, the alienation of it all. I wonder if the nightmare will ever end.

I got a copy of the two grievances you wrote and posted to each of the administrative emails, as well as the governor today.

I know I have to keep writing these sick calls, and these requests for my long johns, but it feels so hopeless. The requests never go anywhere. I can’t even have a chair, for Pete’s sake. Would that be so hard to do? I am not violent. The throbbing doesn’t ever go fully away, and the pain is still too sharp after I start to stretch or do any exercise. And, now, in addition to all of my clothes I am lying under seven sheets and 2 blankets. I still haven’t gotten any help with the sick call from November 14th. So, they say I must write another request. I filled out another 490 for the long johns.

Well, later they led me out of here in hand cuffs, a belly chain and foot shackles to medical tonight just before 10 p.m. They took my blood pressure through 2 shirt jackets, 3 shirts, and I wonder how accurate that will be! The lead nurse started asking questions about my level of pain, which I said changes depending on whether or not I try to move. All they do is have me to lie down and mash a little around the now closed incision, and tell me that I am fine. They are doing no internal diagnostics.

I couldn’t believe they were doing anything at all, so I asked if they were seeing me because of a letter that had been written on my behalf. Of course they say, ‘no’.  If so, why was I being seen this late at night, and not by the regular day shift? I asked to see my blood work results, but all they say is that it was ‘fine’.  I asked how I could still be this cold, but they never have and answer.

It’s obvious that your calls and letters/emails are making them very uncomfortable. I just want you to know that what you are doing is great. Don’t lose heart…

Good morning. Well, I was taken once more to medical, at 9 a.m. and they wouldn’t allow me to wear my shirt jackets to walk through the prison. Another new, arbitrary rule to keep us confused, I guess. My temperature is again below normal, 97.5. I told the doctor that I still had odd swelling, and he says I could have issues for up to six months. This makes no sense. I told him that it was nothing like this before, and the pain seems to be coming from all over.

I asked him for help with the long johns, as medical has to write them up, and he said there would not be any coming from medical. I looked at the nurse who knew that she had just told you recently that the 490 had to be written from medical and then the doctor said medical was not in the business of handing out thermals. I guess this is retaliation for your writing the medical grievance. Even the CO couldn’t believe it. So, here I am, back in my cell, cold, and there are other inmates with 490s for thermals.

Well, I didn’t get my package so   tried to sleep, but couldn’t. The guys were all opening their food packages, and the ones that didn’t have them were trying to trade with the others.  I received your card and letters. They make me cry. It’s been s hard to be away from you. I have been so emotional. You have been such a blessing.

May God be part of your Every Decision

 I hope you and the readers don’t mind that I just seem to jump from topic to topic. I work so hard to stay focused in here, but it gets so hard at times. I never thought this was going to be as bad it is becoming.  I read the bible, and all of the things you send me, but there’s so little to occupy my time. It would be so great if some folks would write to me. I don’t mind answering any questions, or just corresponding. Will you give them my address?  I enjoy looking at the blog excerpts you send me, and am really surprised that people are reading this. I just do the best I can to get through these days, and to learn all I can so as to be a better person and to make a difference in the world and to help my children heal, as God allows us to reconnect.

Let’s see, today.November 23rd, I’ve been in here 84 days. It has been great to at least hear what is going on in the world through others. The Tarheels won today, 8-20, a football game! Appalachian State also did great 24-0 against WNCU at halftime.

I put in yet another request form for medical to let me have thermals. I just stay cold in here, and with the pain, it is bad. They are the only one who can administer the 490 for them. I just took a shower and feel so much better. I don’t understand why they won’t let us bathe everyday. They have plenty of personnel to do so. I mean, I do understand that it is a form of punishment, but to what end? I’m hungry, and have one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so will eat that here at 10 p.m. and write more later…

11/24/13

I was listening to 106.9 and the Christian music has more power than ever before, for some reason. I started crying this morning listening, just raising my hands, swaying back and forth and singing. It was so meaningful to hear God’s word, and to feel His love filling my heart. Without Him, I’d not have the strength to continue. I can do nothing in my own strength. I will fail every time, but realizing this and confessing this to God, believing in his Son will give me true strength and power. This truly lifts my Spirit, which is the power of Jesus in me.

The after affects of this entire incident from August 31 has been horrible. I now see that they’ve added 15, yes 15 years to my sentence because I didn’t want to suffocate in a prison cell, and asked for a CO to do something about the lack of moving air, and they’ve given me 24 points. I will be forced to do almost a year in isolation and continued to be punished for two or three more years afterward!

I still can’t over being so cold…I am in a building and have to wear 3 shirts, 2 shirt jackets, and pants, and my feet are still cold!

I just want to wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, and be sure to be thankful for all that you have-there’s always someone out there doing far worse. I will continue to write more of what God is teaching me in my next letters. May God be part of your every decision.

Trust Him, and He will not fail you!

Be Encouraged to see how how far We’ve Come

Repenting helps us stay aligned in times of trouble, before we ‘wreck’ from poor choices.

You don’t need to expect anything. God will provide if it is truly a door opening for you.

Focus on your healing work only. Praise God for the opportunity to do the work. This will be an exciting time for you to connect with others who are opening to the word of Jesus so long ago, encouraging us to do good works in His name. You have always had a warmness about you that calms people.

It stays so cold in here. Today I’m wearing two pairs of socks, 2 shirts, 2 shirt jackets, and my pants. I can’t seem to get any help requesting long johns.

They brought someone new in to seg today. He said he was just sitting in his chair in the t.v. room and watching t.v. and someone came up behind him and hit him on the side of the head near his eye. He doesn’t even know who hit him. It was most likely someone doing a ‘check off’. Someone owed this guy  some of his package or food and the other didn’t want to share what this one had paid for, so he gets him locked up and this guy can’t get what he had paid the one who hit for. It will be gone before that guy gets out. It is very rough in here.

11/18/13

I am listening to ‘Focus on the Family’, and they are talking about strong willed children. I want you to go to their website and see if any of their materials will help you with the boys, and look for Dr. Leman’s book, “Parenting Your Powerful Child”.

A nurse came to see me today because of my sick call. I asked for a way to purchase vitamins, fish oil, but she said she could only approve it after blood work. I told her that they were supposed to be checking it for low iron, but that no one had. Then she told me to use the canteen, but, of course, in seg we are not allowed to purchase ANY food related items. When she was done this time, she didn’t charge me for the sick call. I was very surprised.

This has to be due to your calls to the prison’s Medical and Assistant Superintendent. They now know that someone is watching them. Praise God!

Well, I didn’t get a Saturday paper, I guess one of the guards got it, courtesy of you, but I did get a Sunday one. The pain comes and goes still, like a nerve that gets hit, but I just deal with it. When it does hit me, it’s rough, though.

The food was better today, but it’s a shame that we can’t even get any ketchup, mustard or mayo. Haven’t had that in months, and it is almost nuts to some, I guess, just how important small things like this become when you have nothing except what another allows you to have.

The nurse came by tonight and told me not to eat anything after midnight because there will be blood drawn.  I listened to the game, so GREAT that the Panthers won, 24-20–Woo woo!! I just wish I could sleep, but the light came on at 5 a.m., with breakfast served at 5:30 a.m. I couldn’t eat it, of course, and they came around to ask about outside rec at 6:30 a.m, and of course the nurse came right after the guard and said 7 a.m. would be the time to draw my blood, so no food or once weekly cage exercise. I waited and waited because she said they would be there, but no one showed up until 8:15 a.m. She said they would only check my platelets. I guess I fasted for nothing if no cholesterol check?

They did bring me the prison hygiene pack which was one use of body wash, their toothpaste, a small deodorant, lotion, and a small toothbrush.

11/21/13

It was so good to see you yesterday. I stay so clouded with these walls closing me down. I’ve decided that nothing will keep me apart from Jesus as a son of God. It is difficult to stay focused on what it is I want to do when I get out of here so that I can fulfill my purpose for enduring the suffering, as well as what I have learned so that I can help others. I just feel like I have to wait for God’s will to be made clear to me. For now, He is still working on me. I still need confidence to be able to go forth and help others, to talk to those I don’t know and do His will through my life.

Be encouraged to see how far we have come. God is working through us both separately. Use what God has brought you, and revealed to you to bring glory to Him. You were correct, dear, when you said my shame from my past hurts in life is holding me back. I have done nothing to be ashamed of, and this pain that I am enduring is for His Glory in His time. Past pains should be laid down as I continue to be strengthened by His words.

Reading Jeremiah has helped me to see my own arrogance, thinking being a good person was mostly what I needed to do to go to Heaven. This was such a misconception.  I was sometimes selfish with my resources, and my time. I had become content with my plans, and not God’s. repentance   means so much more than just to admit one has sinned.

Repentance means to admit to God that you’re not aligned with Him.

People become prideful, though, and think their small sins don’t hurt. But, look at it this way: if your car is out of alignment and you release the steering wheel, it will veer off of the road; sometimes very fast, and it will get worse if you don’t get your wheels realigned, causing you to wreck. Repenting gives us a chance to get realigned, when we stp by the garage, or checking in with God, keeping us safe.

http://www.watchmannee.org/

11/14/13

Dear Love,

I have not been well in mind.  I thought I was being somewhat depressed, and starting reading a book from another

inmate who said he didn’t feel he could be good enough to be a Christian, but knew that I was by my actions.

“Opening the Gates of Heaven”, by Perry Stone talks of ways to pray, send healing, talk to God, and also how to hear God.

But, I have to find ways to get closer, to strengthen my relationship with God to hear Him better.

Thank you for your letters, they are so encouraging. I just truly haven’t felt good.

11/16/13

The swelling seems to have gone down some, but something just isn’t right about this pain. IT comes and goes in waves. I  signed up to see the surgeon this week, and will have to endure being chained and shackled from 3-5 hours, depending on how many others go through there that day.

I have now finished “Opening the Gates of Heaven”, which was really well written. It helped me to understand how our prayers are only fruitful when coming from a pure heart, and not asking for lustful things of the flesh. So,  have often prayed in the wrong ways…I have picked up the book by Watchman Nee that you sent, “A Normal Christian Life”. It speaks so clearly. The first chapter explains the power of Christ’s blood; no matter how hard Satan tries to make us think we are too full of sin for forgiveness, all of us are covered, and stand in the light with God because of Christ’s blood being shed for us. Therefore, NO sin is hidden, and Satan has nothing to hold over our heads. As we are in the Light with God if we choose to be there, then the blood of Jesus Christ has rendered us clean to stand before Him. He says, “Christ is the sum total of humanity; as the second Man he is the head of a new race.”

This opened up understanding for me in such a powerful way. Before this,  had allowed Satan a foothold in my life by listening or thinking that I would never be good enough for God to accept me. The truth is that I’ve already been accepted, and to use Jesus as a way to ward off these attacks. I have been redeemed!

Work with What you Have, Thanking God for it

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”
1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

10/29/13

It was so great to get a card from you today. The letters from the boys were great!

I really need to hear from you and the boys. I so miss their personalities; being apart has brought much sadness to my soul. They have helped me to grow and I hate I had to be apart from everyone to understand this!

The Chaplain came to see me, and he couldn’t believe how long I would be in here. He seemed very concerned. Jesus i with me, so I will just do the best I can with it all. I’ve learned so much about how closed off I’ve become with people, even in my Christian fellowship. I’m now ready to embrace each person without shame, as God taught us to do; to have faith in God.

10/30/13

Your visit was just what I needed, even with so many distractions around us. You were able to communicate what you wanted. Your love means so much to me, especially in isolation. I thought it was bad in population; not even close. My wound really started to hurt after you left.  began to burn and ache deep inside. It still hurts even now, at 10 p.m. It fills my heart to know just how much love you send me each day. Thank you so much!

When doing all of the grievances and writing, just do it as you are able. I think you are doing too much. And, it will burn you out. So, pace yourself and allow God to create the timing. Let the words flow like the living water of Jesus; to push things will only bring frustration. You’re doing a great job, so please know that I appreciate it very much!

I’ve put in a sick call for vitamins and fish oil, as I can no longer buy them.

11/1/13

I’ve got to stop all of the negative thinking. It’s hard to stay positive with so much that is ugly around you. The negative vibes never stop coming. You can only ignore so much. I got my wallet today, three weeks later, and she didn’t order my package until 10/24, so most likely I won’t be allowed to get it.

I didn’t write any yesterday, as I was all out of whack. The operation site seems to hurt more and more every night. During the day it doesn’t hurt as badly. I did get all of my newspapers this week. I’m reading everything you send, trying to learn as much as I can. I would love to take some English courses for grammar; as my spelling sucks! lol…

Last night it hurt so bad inside that it felt like something was being pulled out of me. But it didn’t hurt today. The pain comes and goes and it doesn’t make sense.

You really seem to have a clearer idea of how you want to proceed. Something has changed in you; there is so much confidence! You are evolving, and I love you so much! I know I was angry alot in our marriage. Hell, most of the time, I didn’t know why…I didn’t feel appreciated, I guess, like I had to do everything or it wouldn’t get done. But, you were having a hard time with your condition (Asperger’s) handling all of the things that were being thrown at you. You needed a man to support you as the head of the house, and I often acted as a child. You needed a man to help you with what you were going through, one to stand by you, working together to solve the household problems. You deserved better of me and some days I did better, but others were bad.

11/2/13

We both had to learn on the go, and I never had a good role model. I knew I wanted to do better than my family had done. But, to be honest, I don’t think I did a very good job. I tried to hard to give my family a better life, as poverty isn’t a great place. We were trying so hard, I believe we forgot where we came from. Now, we are both in poverty. I believe we both had to go back to this situation to better understand how just how hard it was for our parents to make ends meet. Until we can feel and understand that again, and learn to make due with what we have, and make it last, we won’t receive more.

So, work with what you have, thanking God for it, and He will give us more as we learn to handle these trials. I can see this working even now, more clearly in your life. Continue asking for guidance and follow His direction. Things are improving in God’s time, not ours…