Little Victories

 

1/27/14

One need not always trust in the 'large' things -  Isaiah 31  King James Version (KJV) 31 Woe to them that go down to Egypt for help; and stay on horses, and trust in chariots, because they are many; and in horsemen, because they are very strong; but they look not unto the Holy One of Israel, neither seek the Lord!

One need not always trust in the ‘large’ things –
Isaiah 31
King James Version (KJV)
31 Woe to them that go down to Egypt for help; and stay on horses, and trust in chariots, because they are many; and in horsemen, because they are very strong; but they look not unto the Holy One of Israel, neither seek the Lord!

I’m reading your letter to be about how you feel imprisoned, somewhat like  I am experiencing, although our prisons are different. No matter what either of us does, we can’t escape. This is God, working on our outer selves, which is essential to allow God’s Spirit to be released. Praise God for how you’ve been able to surrender to this discipline, and for learning patience with our children. I’m so glad to hear the boys are branching out, and aren’t so afraid to do their own things. I’m so proud of their growth amid all of the things they’ve been through. I just pray they see how loved they are by God, and are being taught by Him in so many ways. God is working on Nate so he can learn to discern who his real friends are, and to not feel ashamed for speaking out against injustice at school. God is using my suffering to teach them, to reach others, as well who need to realize the anguish and injustice in their own backyards.

I have to admit, I’ve been under attack now for over a week. I’ve not been happy with what God is allowing to happen in my life. I stay confused and blocked from understanding what is happening to me. I know I have to work through it, and am battling this selfish outer man. You have been so encouraging throughout this whole ordeal, and  know your love for me is real. I just feel so weakened and alone lately, and have to just give it to God…

I’ve noticed my eyes become blurry after reading awhile.  I have to pull the book or paper away from my face to be able to ready clearly. I used to have 20-15 vision, but only God knows what being in isolation has done…

I’m watching 60 minutes and listening to how there is such a shortage of psych0logists and therapists across the nati0n; and stories like what you’ve been through recently with our boys. Then they talked about how there are lack of beds in the institutions for the extreme behavior needs like what we experienced with my two children that led us to end up like this, due to not having adequate care in the mental health fields. If you can google this, maybe you will find some support sites so you have other people to talk to, and can maybe even get some help with our case. Isn’t it amazing how much has to happen before things like this come to the light?

Speaking of lights, this crew tonight is the one that often leaves our lights on until midnight, which was the main reason I wrote the grievance about not having any relief from the lighting. Tonight, though, they went out at 10:38 p.m., which is so wonderful! Even the little things feel like big victories!

 

 Hebrews 12:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.


Hebrews 12:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

1/23/14

I received the Black SAT Prep book yesterday and began reading it.

Looking over all of this material makes me scared; it’s been a long time since ’91 when I graduated high school, and I can’t get any extra study guides off of the internet. I haven’t seen algebra in almost twenty years, and I never had Geometry! I know this is going to be tough, but God has a plan for me to succeed. I’m just not sure how to get help. I will check in the library here to see if there are any text books, but I doubt it, and the GED teacher is not friendly. But, it could be due to some of her students…

Didn’t you take this in 1989? What was your score? I need help with passage-based reading, sentence completion, all of the math…they are recommending a ‘Blue Book’, and it references this other book a lot. I’m reminded of Hebrews 12:11, so knowing this isn’t going to be joyful right now, I will endure the training, because of the importance of the end results.

I’ve been so lonely, and just gave my heart to the Lord

Sorry, I took a few days off and listened to football games.

Carolina lost, but they played hard for the first half, just seemed to lose focus. We do that, forget to keep our eyes on God.

God has to be centered in all that we do, so that we can truly come to know His power. Once it becomes about ourselves, the God is lost to us. We have to surrender ourselves to God, so that the fight comes through Him. This will be the only way that our truth can be revealed, by how we speak, live our lives, and surrendering to what ‘is’. When we rush things, we hinder God’s plan.

These past few days have been so cold, with the men complaining, but doing nothing in writing. I am amazed by how cold it is for us in here. I miss you so much. I’ve had to wear all of my clothes, and it’s gotten down to 0 degrees in the night.  I hope to get some more coffee in a couple of days to help ease it off a little.

Thank you so much for sharing with me what is going on at home; I so miss being a family. Even the little things about washing dishes with you after you made a mess all over the kitchen from one of your great, home cooked meals, the faces the boys make, their shenanigans, and excuses at bedtime and running all over the house.

I did finally get the new diet today. They kept trying to give me a regular one, but I sent it back. I’m not going to give them something to cancel it for, when I’ve worked so hard to get it! I got some exercise in today, and that helped warm me a little.  No pain today, which is a good sign.

I want you to calm down about the lawyer; I think you’ve scared them, I know how you can be. Be patient, I’m sure they have many cases, and God is working things out as He sees fit. Take some deep breaths and stay calm. Nothing much rattles your cage, except maybe a horse falling in the pool with the cover on it, or a nest of wound up yellow jackets..lol, but we all have different skill sets and abilities, and can then draw a complement in a mate.

I hope to see you on Wednesday, it was such a blessing to see the boys! It caught me off guard and was such a surprise. If you can’t make it this week, I understand. …

1/15/14

You are so beautiful today, you walked in with such confidence. You have been a great example for our children.

I got back to my cell and there were some papers by my door. Someone had tried to set up a visit but forgot to add a driver’s license copy, so it was good that I had not quite finished the letter to my friend. Now I am able to request new forms, and explain what happened in this letter and mail them together. God created a way for me to save a stamp, which is always good to do in here. He always keeps our circumstances in mind.

I’ve been so lonely, and I just gave my heart to the Lord and cried for a long time, my heart is just so sick from this isolation and separation. When I calmed down, I opened my devotional to Psalms 4, and cried even more, it was entitled, “Sweet Rest”. I feel he answered my prayer with your visit. He gave me sweet mercy, and also you enough gas to make the visit. My heart is filled with joy.

 Psalm 4  King James Version (KJV) 4 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.


Psalm 4
King James Version (KJV)
4 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.

I now have NO idea who had been treating me or if he was even a doctor

kindness

12/16/13

I tried to sleep, but can’t get more than two hours at a time, due to the constant slamming of the door.

The CO’s just let it slam, and I guess the deprivation of sound is really taking its toll, so it’s like a gun shot.

At 3, 4 and 5 a.m. and of course, all through the day, but it’s the early hours that truly affect me the most.

It would be so easy for them to fix the release to catch softer, but that is too much to ask.

AT 7:30 a.m., the guard came to take me to medical. He stood there and waited for me to pee, and then belly chained and shackled me up.

Upon arriving  I am introduced to a man that was actually Dr. McIntyre. This hasn’t been the man I’ve been seeing for the past few months.  I truly had no idea that this man, Labor was not the doctor. I don’t really even know who ‘Labor’ is, now. He never wore a name plate as this man before me now was. I have no idea who was treating me or if he had ANY credentials to do so.

The Dr. asked me questions, and then agreed that I needed more fiber. Then, he had me take some liquid (God only knows what that was), and he said it would be quick to help, but nothing happened. I laid down and waited, and waited. Finally, five hours later, some relief, but still a sharp pain opposite the hernia area. I’m afraid there is a blockage.

I went ahead and wrote a grievance about the door, and I think it must really be like PTSD because I actually jump when these doors slam. People need to know that this type of purposeful treatment is wrong. Why doesn’t PETA focus more on people – they could probably get a lot done…In the back of my head is pain, and in my temples. I think this is from sleep deprivation. I don’t understand why other inmates don’t fight more to get any justice or relief. These feelings keep intensifying and I stay focused on God, even through the pain and suffering.  I asked a couple of CO’s to please not slam the door and they actually listened. I got a few more hours of sleep. Praise God!

 

12/17/13

I’ve put my 6th request on my door to see a psychologist. I still have that lump on my left side, and things aren’t right, either, but the nurse hasn’t come back. I did win 29 stamps on football picks. Go Ravens! They beat the Lions. They just talked about sausage balls on the radio. I miss it when we would make those!! All the Christmas goodies you would make – peanut butter cookies, pumpkin pie, fudge, chocolate covered pretzels- you loved to cook, and I loved to eat!

We were such a good team! I should be more thankful for what I do have, like my health slowly starting to come back. You in my life. This bible course that you ordered for me! These surroundings get me down so much, and everything you send helps me to focus and not let it all over take me.

12/18/13

Your visit today was SO needed; it seems so long since your last visit. Your energy helps keep me going. You didn’t say anything about the boys; are they acting any better lately? It seems you hardly ever complain about them anymore. It shows such growth in you! God helps us to see our own weaknesses when we pay attention to what about others we find aggravating. He is brought us so much closer. You could have forgotten me and went away…

There’s No One but God to ask for help in here

 KJV Exodus 23:25.  And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.  - King James Bible

KJV Exodus 23:25.
And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.
– King James Bible

11-2-13

I love the way your letters smell! (Do I tell you this every time?)
These lights are very bright; get woken up every day, the same time, with lights burning on and time for feed (4:30). I hate the way they turn these lights on, and then off(10 p.m.)
It has been cold today. I wish I could get a shirt jacket. They don’t want to give or do anything to help us. at all. I’m even wearing two shirts, two pairs of socks, and pants. I’ve felt down all day due to this coldness.
I’m trying to find a way to get some Q-tips, ink pens, and Lever 2000 soap. That means I have to look for someone who has just come into seg before they see the DHO. Then, I will also have to buy it. The little state bar they give us doesn’t really work, and makes my whole body break out.

When we ‘fish’ and it is far away, we have to work together to get it from one place to another. Then when they get back to regular population, it’s each for himself.

11/3/13

I finished writing both of the boys a letter. I worry about how you are holding it together, and if they will have to be sent away. They have been through so much, and are holding it together as good as they can, but they could straighten up a lot of their behavior.

It is still sooo cold, but mainly my feet, even with two pairs of socks. I wish I could figure it out; it’s not like me to not be able to get warm.

11/14/13

I’ve not been well in mind.  I thought I was just being depressed, but at day 75, I am slowly losing my feel on things.

I have to get closer to God, strengthen my relationship with Him so I can hear Him speak. I think now that I am being attacked to keep that from happening. Just as Daniel prayed and fasted for 20 days before the archangel Michael was able to break through to deliver God’s message to him.

The nurse came today, along with the doctor. They came because I wrote a request form for more Ibuprofen because of the pain. He looked at my incision and said it was healing well. He asked me where it hurt, and was poking around and he just said that sometimes nerves are hit and it takes longer to heal. He’s going to prescribe some more pain medicine, like Advil. I asked him why I was staying so cold; I explained that I’d never had this feeling before I lost all of the blood after surgery. He said he would have my blood looked at to see if I was anemic. Sounds like they already knew that’s what had happened, but they just weren’t going to do anything about it.

I’ve asked for vitamins because I feel so lethargic. I just don’t feel like myself. I miss you so much. It makes me cry. The loneliness is starting to really think in. I guess. Louvonda wrote me a letter and said my package request was rejected, and they sent her back her money. The lawyer has called her to say that the investigator was sick, and that was why he wasn’t reporting anything back.

I still haven’t received anything for the pain, and I have the shakes and my head pounds. Don’t know what is going on, maybe I have a fever. I only have God to ask for help…

We are working …

We are working hard to get this before proper legal authorities. Thank you to everyone for their prayers and concerns. Daniel currently has been given pain meds, eight weeks later, and is on a better diet. The blood work was done, but they won’t give us the results, and neither will they issue long johns. But, the heat has been turned on after two weeks of temps in the ’20s, and it seems to be at least, working somewhat. We have had a big breakthrough in some information, and I will have more posts to update his condition soon. Please continue to pray for us, that we can get justice and help for everyone, especially the children. All of them. Blessings~ Rochelle and Daniel

It is so cold behind concrete…

10/21/13

I am glad to hear that the Innocence Clinic is still working on my case, as it’s been almost a year since

prison, injustice, lost love, spirituality, hope

Inside these four walls, the sun doesn’t shine

you took them the files. Maybe they have more options to approach than the one in Raleigh, as there was no DNA at all to compare because I never did anything. Many states have had to go back and compare those on death row with past evidence, and many of these men are getting exonerated. Without any evidence, why am I even here to begin with, other than words of an angry woman pushing damaged children? Only God knows how long these things will take to come together, I just need to find a way to do God’s will.

I need to keep improving myself, and my communication skills so that I can speak more effectively about what needs to be done, as well as what is happening. I’ve asked God to give me the confidence to speak for Him, so I’m just waiting to be able to gain the ability to speak clearly and well. This pen is almost out of ink. I only had five pens, and I can’t buy any as I’m not allowed to use canteen until February. I hope they all hold out.

10/23/13

I was driven to an outside facility for a post-op check up and the doctor said I was healing fine and removed my staples. I do get to use the wheelchair in between at least, as I am hand/leg cuffed when walking about. The doctor said not to lift anything heavy, so I asked what was heavy to him. He said a gallon of milk…he said to be sure and not stretch my body much for the next six weeks. The only thing I’m lifting right now is myself, so I will do my best to be careful.

It was so great to be out and able to feel the sun; it was only for a few minutes, but nice, as I hadn’t been outside in a few weeks. Some of the small things, like just being outside and feeling the sun’s rays, is so important. Inside we can’t feel anything, and it is so cold behind concrete. Just to see God’s creations that the Sun helps to grow is not appreciated. It brings joy to so many people. We feel so sickly, hidden away from everyone. We ask ‘why’, but we must wait for God’s time, and accept that he is in control…but, I do miss it so much, the Sun.

I’ve been more hungry than usual, and I’m not working out. I did get your letter today, which was great, as well as the other two. I got the paper you ordered for about two weeks, and then I didn’t get it at all last week. Don’t know why.

 

 

We will be provided for, in His time

10/21/13

faith, God, hope


Ecclesiastes 3
(KJV) 3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up…”

Well, they finally gave me ICON, so I’ll be in here another five months.

I will come up for a review in February; that’s when they can give me close ops for another

90 days or longer, if they FEEL it’s warranted. They are just hoping that by the time they let us out that everyone else outside will have forgotten about what really happened.

Your letter smells so good…yes, we do sometimes get to watch movies in regular population, but it is way after it comes out, like when it comes out on the FX channel, which is easily a year or two after it is released.

It’s just like you said, “God is holding us close to Him to allow us to feel His love, apart from each other, so we can grieve in our own ways.” I just ask that you pray before making decisions and let Him guide you through it. The more you allow Him to do so, the more He will be evident in your life. Have hope that this life is a way for you to gain understanding that all things aren’t as they might originally seem. He wants us to grow as believers so He can use us to help others come to God’s kingdom.

I love you so much, and want to be there with you, but we must wait for God’s time to be right. We can’t question Him. We need to stay obeident and trust in God. I cry when I read through your letters and know it will get better in God’s timing, not mine.

I sent you a letter on Sunday for Monday morning, and I will get this out tomorrow. It just takes me a while to have enough together to write. You know how boring it is in here. I’m only getting your letters once a week or so, so I wait for you to give me things to say…I know it would help if we could talk over the phone. We will just have to wait the 180 days to be free of the glass, and the silence.

I’m so hungry. At least I have a peanut better sandwich to eat. The pics of your cooking from your letters look so great. I miss them…I was given a veggie tray yesterday, and it had two biscuits inside. They were so good. I got two porkchops while in the hospital, and they were great, but now I’m back to my vegan diet.

The football game tonight will be on the radio, if I can just get it to come in…reception sucks in here, but sometimes the am stations work. It’s the Vikings against the Ny Giants. The Vikings lost to Carolina last week, so both these teams need a win badly. the Panthers play again on Thursday night, but it should come in better on the fm station. (Your letter smells so good it is radiating all over my room.)

Don’t worry so much about me, I’ll be fine. I know you love me and yes it does make me feel good to know and hear. I know that God is with me and you, and what we need will be provided for in His time….

Hear that, God?

Dear Chicano,

10-7-2013

I am going to finish writing your letter today while I watch your older son’s last game of the season. Yes, he took your advice, and he made the defensive coach so excited that he put A in almost the entire game. He was dragging two boys at a time to get across the line! I took some pictures, and I will send them, as well, not just of that, but of some of my food, as you’ve been asking.

It makes me feel bad to send you pictures, as you don’t get to eat like this right now, but I just tell myself that you’ve been wanting to lose that last twenty pounds, and you couldn’t do that here!

I can’t wait to cook for you again, all your favorite things, like chicken and dumplings and fresh pinto beans with a piece of that good old timey salted ham sliced in them.

Some of your favorite food.

Some of your favorite food.

You have always been a sucker for bread, so I’d always put extra dumplings in the pot, just for you and the boys. Remember how you used to help me once I made the dough and rolled that long, thin sheet across the counter? Sometimes it would take up half the length! There’d be flour dust all over, and crumbs on the floor, but you didn’t care…I let you cut the dumplings into all as many little squares as you wanted, even if I had to stir extra long, and keep adding milk and broth because your dough always soaked up the soupy goodness. You’d have little sticky particles in your brows or goatee’, and I would grab you around the neck and lick your forehead, biting your eye brows for fun. I miss irritating you like that.

Your baby son is still blaring away at his trumpet, and being his usual instigating self, but I’m getting better at taking a deep breath and walking away. I understand now that when he is hurting, he has to give someone else pain to lessen his own. He had a meltdown yesterday, and cried, talking about some of his sadness and frustration over all that is our life.

I asked him finally what he wanted for Christmas if he could only have one thing, working to change the subject,

Isaiah 41:17 "The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them". (KJV)

Isaiah 41:17
“The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them”. (KJV)

and ease his heart a little. I thought he might want a special DS game, or something for the XBox,

and I know I have to lay it away soon, if so.

“I want daddy to come home,” was all he said.

You hear that, God?

Will you remember your promise?