I’ve been so lonely, and just gave my heart to the Lord

Sorry, I took a few days off and listened to football games.

Carolina lost, but they played hard for the first half, just seemed to lose focus. We do that, forget to keep our eyes on God.

God has to be centered in all that we do, so that we can truly come to know His power. Once it becomes about ourselves, the God is lost to us. We have to surrender ourselves to God, so that the fight comes through Him. This will be the only way that our truth can be revealed, by how we speak, live our lives, and surrendering to what ‘is’. When we rush things, we hinder God’s plan.

These past few days have been so cold, with the men complaining, but doing nothing in writing. I am amazed by how cold it is for us in here. I miss you so much. I’ve had to wear all of my clothes, and it’s gotten down to 0 degrees in the night.  I hope to get some more coffee in a couple of days to help ease it off a little.

Thank you so much for sharing with me what is going on at home; I so miss being a family. Even the little things about washing dishes with you after you made a mess all over the kitchen from one of your great, home cooked meals, the faces the boys make, their shenanigans, and excuses at bedtime and running all over the house.

I did finally get the new diet today. They kept trying to give me a regular one, but I sent it back. I’m not going to give them something to cancel it for, when I’ve worked so hard to get it! I got some exercise in today, and that helped warm me a little.  No pain today, which is a good sign.

I want you to calm down about the lawyer; I think you’ve scared them, I know how you can be. Be patient, I’m sure they have many cases, and God is working things out as He sees fit. Take some deep breaths and stay calm. Nothing much rattles your cage, except maybe a horse falling in the pool with the cover on it, or a nest of wound up yellow jackets..lol, but we all have different skill sets and abilities, and can then draw a complement in a mate.

I hope to see you on Wednesday, it was such a blessing to see the boys! It caught me off guard and was such a surprise. If you can’t make it this week, I understand. …

1/15/14

You are so beautiful today, you walked in with such confidence. You have been a great example for our children.

I got back to my cell and there were some papers by my door. Someone had tried to set up a visit but forgot to add a driver’s license copy, so it was good that I had not quite finished the letter to my friend. Now I am able to request new forms, and explain what happened in this letter and mail them together. God created a way for me to save a stamp, which is always good to do in here. He always keeps our circumstances in mind.

I’ve been so lonely, and I just gave my heart to the Lord and cried for a long time, my heart is just so sick from this isolation and separation. When I calmed down, I opened my devotional to Psalms 4, and cried even more, it was entitled, “Sweet Rest”. I feel he answered my prayer with your visit. He gave me sweet mercy, and also you enough gas to make the visit. My heart is filled with joy.

 Psalm 4  King James Version (KJV) 4 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.


Psalm 4
King James Version (KJV)
4 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.

It is obvious he needs mental assistance, but the guards just play with him

1/9/14

Taken from an article in the examiner on mental health conditions

Taken from an article in the examiner on mental health conditions

I was listening to the radio show Focus on the Family today.
It has been such a valuable tool in teaching me how to raise the children.
They have so many good ideas. That’s why I’ve been writing so much lately about the boys, because their faith needs to grow so God’s power can truly be amplified through our family as a unit.

I’ve asked the boys to forgive me for being a bad example sometimes, and to try not to follow in those steps. Today’s show talked about how important it is to be a good role model as men to our daughters so they will pick appropriate men later in life. It discussed how girls are affected by the lack of a healthy relationship with their dads, and how they expect their adult relationship to give them what their father didn’t or couldn’t. You used to do this to me, and we have talked about the importance of my being loving to my daughter in the past, and so I spent more time with her, on her home work, going to school and advocating for her when there were school issues, getting off work and going to her soccer games. It has become clear to me in listening to this broadcast that you take time and forgive your dad, because you did subconsciously punish me for how your father treated you, and took quite a bit out on me over the years. You know I only tell you this so you will release some of the pain in your heart over the past. I hope you will find these broadcasts somehow and listen to them.

The Sgt. has come next door as the guy keeps pushing the green button, which is only for medical emergencies. Apparently his legal mail is not going out, so there is now another guy there now, as well, which is really only to frustrate the other inmate further, not help. His legal matter is coming up in two weeks and he doesn’t have all of the information ready. It is obvious that he needs intensive mental health assistance, but the guards just play with him. They pepper sprayed him a few weeks ago, in the cell that I am now in. That could be why I have more upper respiratory tract infections and my nose bleeds some….things did calm down a little after they talked to him, but it looks like he will get written up for this. They gave him 3 last week. It is excessive, and will keep him in here for a long time, when he truly needs services.

I’ve prayed to the Lord for his entities to be released, as well as for all of us trying to endure this frigid coldness. Most of the men sleep in the floor in an attempt to get away from the cold, but I just can’t sleep next to the toilet like that, and we have no way to clean – but you know all of this. Why can’t they just fix the heating system? No one listens to our grievances here, so we just give up trying. The morale is so low, but I know must set examples. I told the other men that I have been sending grievances about the lack of heat.

Well, after several days of the lights being on past 11:30pm, they’ve cut the light off at 10 tonight. Maybe my grievance was read by someone?
I also know that I’m being led to write a grievance to CPS in my own words, but I just can’t sort it all out, and keep praying on how to word it in God’s time.

May God be with you in my absence.

They say 2 hours of sleep is normal if you don’t exercise (111 days in isolation)

I have started to scare myself with how much joy I have now for God.
You are such a harbor me; through all of these trials you’ve never wavered.
I feel our hearts are together always, even through these walls of cement.

They came today for the sick call I wrote ten days ago.
They also answered my request forms saying they won’t give me copies of my medical records.
I have to write to Raleigh’s Department of Corrections, so if you can do that, maybe they will give them to you. They took my blood work on November 19th. I can’t get through to them how much pain this is, and they will do nothing but just tell me to expect pain, to work out, like I haven’t been trying. No one actually does anything. But, I will try to hang on in faith, and give God my burdens.

Praise God! He is moving mountains through you, Rochelle! On our limited canteen list it was now offering for us to purchase multi-vitamins and glucosamine! We were never allowed to get vitamins until now! He is working mightily through you. I wrote to the unit manager giving thanks and asking if they could please allow us to get fish oil.

12/20/13

I was the psychologist today for about 15 minutes. I explained about the sleep deprivation and the lighting, and the extreme cold and she said that 2 hours of sleep at a time was normal without any strenuous activity. Even after I explained my depression, bouts of crying and hopelessness, she said that she couldn’t help and that it didn’t warrant a full psychological evaluation.

She said that things would be better once I’m out of isolation. REALLY? I only have about 90 more days.

The only way to get any version of ‘help’ is if I try to hurt myself or others. Great.

We went outside this morning. IT was so great to finally get outside. I could smell wood burning! It was so homey and reminded me of the fires we would burn sometimes. The leaves and wood smelled so real! I’ve not smelled that in three years now.

12/22/13

I see the importance of celebrating the birth of our Lord now. Before it was more selfish in nature, but this is much bigger; it’s about showing love to others to spread God’s unending love to all. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and may His love fill your hearts as He has mine.

You have brought me out of a pit

12/19/13
I feel God’s presence even more, as I work to get past feelings of negativity and doom.
I now see things in a different light. There is a new perspective and a way of looking
at what is sightly to God, not my own selfishness.

I will start a draft for the CPS complaint you told me to write so they are forced to see
the results of their falsified and incomplete findings. Guilford County must be made to rectify their illegal and unconstitutional decisions. They just say whatever they like on reports and then alter the truth to meet their own agendas of increasing their bonuses and trying to justify their funding, instead of looking fully at what is happening in the entire picture. They are never forced to see the repercussions caused by their mistakes and lack of training, even altering what they report to make themselves seem in a better light, while other children are receiving no help that they so sorely need.

They actually gave us a Christmas bad today – with ramen noodles, some chips, a rice krispy treat, a Snickers bar, and a Slim Jim type stick, as well as a granola bar. To some this would seem laughable, but to those in isolation who are not allowed to purchase ANY extra food items, it’s a huge treat!

I got your card today, and it reaffirmed what my humanness needed – a confirmation of love. I ask your forgiveness, you’ve been so strong! Please forgive my unbelief, how could I ever doubt? Your cards and letters have brought me out of a pit where I continue to throw myself and hide. My whole heart melted reading your card! With God’s strength I will build my self worth.
I thank God for a wife such as you! Even as they’ve torn the whole back off of the envelope due to your colorful stickers of angels on it.

Being indigent, I have to make my meals draw out longer, and I try to win as many stamps as I can, and hopefully they will give me a pair of shower shoes. Oh, and I have to send home most of my court papers and old mail as I am toting around so much stuff, and I can get in trouble. Just put the mail up, and get it out as you wish to write a book about all of this. It would make a great romance novel!

No one would ever be treated like this in the outside world

imgHeroFeelingLoneliness

11/29/13
Well, no one has come to evaluate me for a better type of diet, NMT-3,
even though I’ve requested it several times. Also, my response to the
request for thermals came back denied, “Custody is only allowed to issue thermals to inmates who work.”

But, I’ve some how made it through another cold night, praise God! The air blows like hard like the wind in PA, that never stopped in winter. Even now when I sit to write, it beats on my arms, face, chest and hands, even making them blue. The nurse did come by at 5:30, praise God, and ask if I wanted pain meds; of course I said ‘yes’, and after eating could actually sleep a little, even with the lights on. You would go crazy in here, as they are never off. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. This relief for the pain has been a tremendous help, and has at least given me some sort rest. Praise God for his works through you! And, for you to feel strong enough to stand up to these giants. They are truly bullies to us in here.

God meant for all of us to rest, but not in this prison.
The same people who administer these cruel conditions should have to endure them for a few months, this torture, and see if there is then any reform in the prison system.

 

Here is what happened with the heat, from what I can tell – it came on, and was warm for one day, and then the next day a mechanic was out, and then the lights were flickering on and off, like they were looking for what fuse was tripped, or trying to figure out why the heat wasn’t working. It was never fixed after that one attempt.

When I woke up this morning, after my time in the rec cage, I was throbbing with pain from the attempt at walking and stretching. Even with the meds, it still hurts to exercise, but I keep on because you said it would be best for the scar tissue and where the tissue is growing over the mesh.

12/1/13
Good morning, love. I went to rec again, it was inside this time. I can’t get over this pain – it has been seven weeks now, and I feel weird all the way down to the bottom of my groin. All of my male ‘parts’ are experiencing numbness, but they have done NO diagnostics, either before or after my surgery to see what is happening to my insides. I also have these sharp pains that throb down there, as well, and when I walk, it feels like something is rubbing inside. It’s hard to explain. IF they would just take me to a doctor who would do standard protocol, and xray or something, then they could better understand what IS going on, if it’s an infection or if something is wrong, they could fix it. I would never be treated like this in the outside world.
A man was put in here today, just for speaking during the Moorish Science Temple time in the chapel. The administrator said he couldn’t teach what he was saying, but the man didn’t stop. He was then given a C-3 charge for speaking on his beliefs. However, that won’t be on the official charge, of course. But, that same officer was also the DHO overseeing the case, which totally goes against policy. But, there’s no one to help us get any sort of justice.

part 6, end of complaint against Greensboro Assistant DA, injustice in North Carolina

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………end of 16 p. Formal Complaint against Assistant DA Hubbard to the NC Bar, asking for appropriate relief from wrongful imprisonment…

p. 567 9-10 “Well, I contend to you that you can believe Veronica.”  Finch v. United States, 867 A.2d 222,227 (D.C. 2005) (Improper for prosecutor to express evident opinion that government witness’ testimony had been incredibly straightforward.”) Diaz v. United States, 716 A.2d 173, 180 (D.C. 1997) (Improper for prosecutor to misstate the record by implying that defendant lied) p. 567 21-25 And I contend to you that if you apply those tests to the testimony of Veronica Palacios that you heard from the witness stand, that you won’t have any doubt that she is telling you the truth and that she is absolutely credible.” p.568 lines 1-4 In fact, the only question —— the only question that matters in this case is do you believe Veronica? If you do, then clearly the defendant is guilty of all these crimes. p. 570, lines 17-25       But, again, you know, she —— she —— at this interview she  wasn’t out to make herself look good or make herself look perfect or anything else. She was obviously out to tell the truth. And that’s what she was doing. And now, you know, because they have so little to —— to hang their hat  on —— MS. BAILEY: Objection. MR. HUBBARD: —— the defense is saying ——THE COURT: Overruled.

Powell v. United States, 455 A.2d 13, 16 (D.C. 1982) (“It is for the jury, not the counsel, to decide whether a witness is telling the truth. An attorney may not divert jurors from this task by injecting his personal evaluation as to a witness’ veracity…The prosecutor may not publically cast his vote.”) Dyson v. United States, 418 A.2d 127, 130 (D.C. 1980) (en banc) (Reversible error where porsecutor characterized dense testimony as “falsehood”, argued that there was “not a grain of truth in this defense” and asserted that the defense witnesses had “lied”) W

p.571, lines 1-3  Hubbard: – the defense is saying, Oh, well…cut it off, don’t watch the rest of it, don’t want to put it in context.”  Making untoward comments about assuming what the defense is saying. p. 571 Lines 8-25,  Imagine the most personal or embarrassing or hurtful moment of your life, whatever that might be, and then imagine – and it’s probably – hopefully for none of you that moment is that for four and a half years you were abused by – sexually abused by your father. But, in any event, imagine whatever that moment might be, and the imagine you were a fifteen-year-old girl, as she is now. And some of y’all have children and know…And imagine you had to go in and sit up here in this witness stand…But imagine you had to sit up here and look out at your family… p.572 lines1-6 But she did an admirable, commendable job of remaining quiet and respectful and cogently and intelligently telling you all these hurtful and embarrassing and terrible things that she suffered at the hands of one of the people who should have loved her most. He should have protected her from people like him.

Morris v. United States, 564 A.2d 746 (D.C. 1989) (Improper for prosecutor to invite jurors to imagine conversations between co-defendants)

ABA Standards for Criminal Justice, Standard 3-5.8 (a). (“the prosecutor should not intentionally misstate evidence or mislead jury as to the inferences it may draw.”) -taken from www.tdcaa.com/node/5266 A prosecuting attorney, though free to strike hard blows, is not at liberty to strike foul ones, either directly or indirectly … 21 This was improper because it was simply “a plea for abandonment of objectivity” rather than any legal basis for punishment. “Place yourselves in the shoes of the victim … How would you feel? What would you want?”22 Again, this is improper because it invites the jury to assess punishment based on a sense of vengeance rather than the facts and the law. p. 572 Lines 14-18 She did commendably well in telling you the truth about what happened to her. She has no reason to lie despite what Ms. Bailey said.

p.573 1-3 She didn’t do this because she wanted to get out of the house. She did it because she wanted the abuse to stop. She wanted her father not to be able to come in and have sex with her whenever he felt like it.

p. 574 –lines7-11 The only thing that this child had to gain from coming forward – well, a couple of things, for the pain and the abuse to stop and maybe hopefully to see a little bit of justice, to see that somebody does care enough to tell him that it’s not okay. In order to establish plain error, West must show that any error in giving the transferred intent instruction was “obvious or readily apparent, and that it was so clearly prejudicial  [*7]  to [his] substantial rights as to jeopardize the very fairness and integrity of the trial.” Id. (quoting Harris v. United States, 602 A.2d 154, 159 & n.6 (D.C. 1992) (en banc) (citations omitted)). Aralles with  8th Amendment NC & US Constitution   8th Amendment NC & US Constitution   Article 26 – Bail.  Northern California Innocence Project brought a state habeas petition, which was granted on the basis of the cumulative harm done by egregious prosecutorial misconduct.

……..

Where is the justice here?

Ready to take a stand against CPS in North Carolina

Hello, all.
Rochelle here.
I would like to give you an update on where I stand on this.
There is deep anger inside of me at being failed by a system sworn to protect its citizens, where people are supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, and where there is liberty and justice for all. That is far from the truth, and it is happening right under your noses.
Because of my strong faith in a loving God, and an understanding of the purpose of suffering in the lives of humans, I continue on.

After one year of extreme suffering over the loss of my family, my step-children, the trauma induced on my own two children, and the destruction of both my and my husband’s good name, Daniel and I discussed a divorce, for many reasons relating to his more or less life sentencing. After five months of further deliberations and much sadness, we wrote it up through the prison system. That did not change my love for him, it actually has strengthened it, as I have had to deal with so many struggles and pain from being abandoned as a single mom with no income or way to survive after what happened. I learned to rely on God, and had to go through the many stages of grief. As my sons come to terms with the abuse by their step-siblings, and the family’s destruction, they are also having to deal with their own loss of self, as my oldest step son abused him as he had been abused at his mother’s home, and we are not sure yet who all was involved in this sad atrocity.

We were not perfect, but we gave everything we had to raising these children, even with all of the trauma and abuse they came into my home with, and then perpetrated on my own children, as well as the manipulation and trauma and abuse I received from them. I understand suffering much better now, and can love these children who are now young adults, in a much more profound way, tempered by love of an unconditional God and through decades of work as a medicine woman, healer, and in working with the abused.

These past four years since the allegations started have been the most crucial, however. I must admit that the suffering, anguish, loss and poor treatment by professional men and women in many arenas, such as car repair, as landlords, teachers, mental hospital workers for my younger son, the prison officials and guards,  the lawyers both for the defense and the state has taught me a great deal. I have become more calm, patient, understanding, gentle and soft spoken.  I am MUCH more aware of the pain of others than I even thought I was capable of as an empath, and I have a much better understanding of how being an adult with autism, Asperger’s  – deeply affects how I view people and the world. I am much more compassionate towards my own boys with autism’s needs, and work harder than ever to be affectionate, aware and an active listener. When they destroy my things, hit me or cry out, “How can you tell me to love them after what they’ve done to us?” I cry and tell them they must understand that someone did these things to them, as well. Understanding a wrong does make it go away, just a little easier to carry through this life.

The biggest gift that I can share with the world is now being free from fear.

I no longer fear the lawyer with the $100k salary who threatened two already frightened and exhausted parents with the world against them. Nor do I fear the CPS director with the same salary, nor the two people below him who were angry, subjective women with a vendetta against men. I have talked to a few people about taking care of my boys, 12 and almost 14, should something ‘accidental’ happen to me. I’m doing my best to prepare whereas I was taken unawares and unprepared, trusting and naive before.

As a result, I am working to learn all I can about how to file a class action law suit, how to do legal research, and get to the truth of how to fight injustice, especially North Carolina, as that is my true home, and where I spent the majority of my life. I love the mountains of NC, and hope to have a permaculture based school there for special needs’ children. I had just started my Masters in Special Ed when this happened in 2009.

So, if you are someone who has truly been abused by CPS, especially men falsely accused in North Carolina, or you do pro-bono work, or know how to find someone who has knowledge of how to fight this system, please email me at chicanogets113years@gmail.com

If you are someone who feels ashamed, sad, hurt or abused by this system, and just want to talk, I am here.

In the meantime, I wrote a formal grievance to CPS in Guilford County two weeks ago, and I am going to start the research for legal retribution for the wrongs they’ve committed, even if I have to represent Daniel and I by myself. I will no longer rest while reading stories of how poor and middle class people’s families are being destroyed to line others’ pocket books. I will start posting segments of this grievance tonight.

Thank you for all who stop by, and for those who pray for all of us.

For those who are spying on me because you are guilty of destroying my family, I pray for you, as well. My God is the judge in the end, and offers a more lasting consequence than any you could lash upon this tired body.

Blessings and love,

Rochelle, Atsila Agisdii, Fire Eater – One who eats the pain of others