Hebrews 12:11 New International Version (NIV) 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.


Hebrews 12:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

1/23/14

I received the Black SAT Prep book yesterday and began reading it.

Looking over all of this material makes me scared; it’s been a long time since ’91 when I graduated high school, and I can’t get any extra study guides off of the internet. I haven’t seen algebra in almost twenty years, and I never had Geometry! I know this is going to be tough, but God has a plan for me to succeed. I’m just not sure how to get help. I will check in the library here to see if there are any text books, but I doubt it, and the GED teacher is not friendly. But, it could be due to some of her students…

Didn’t you take this in 1989? What was your score? I need help with passage-based reading, sentence completion, all of the math…they are recommending a ‘Blue Book’, and it references this other book a lot. I’m reminded of Hebrews 12:11, so knowing this isn’t going to be joyful right now, I will endure the training, because of the importance of the end results.

It is obvious he needs mental assistance, but the guards just play with him

1/9/14

Taken from an article in the examiner on mental health conditions

Taken from an article in the examiner on mental health conditions

I was listening to the radio show Focus on the Family today.
It has been such a valuable tool in teaching me how to raise the children.
They have so many good ideas. That’s why I’ve been writing so much lately about the boys, because their faith needs to grow so God’s power can truly be amplified through our family as a unit.

I’ve asked the boys to forgive me for being a bad example sometimes, and to try not to follow in those steps. Today’s show talked about how important it is to be a good role model as men to our daughters so they will pick appropriate men later in life. It discussed how girls are affected by the lack of a healthy relationship with their dads, and how they expect their adult relationship to give them what their father didn’t or couldn’t. You used to do this to me, and we have talked about the importance of my being loving to my daughter in the past, and so I spent more time with her, on her home work, going to school and advocating for her when there were school issues, getting off work and going to her soccer games. It has become clear to me in listening to this broadcast that you take time and forgive your dad, because you did subconsciously punish me for how your father treated you, and took quite a bit out on me over the years. You know I only tell you this so you will release some of the pain in your heart over the past. I hope you will find these broadcasts somehow and listen to them.

The Sgt. has come next door as the guy keeps pushing the green button, which is only for medical emergencies. Apparently his legal mail is not going out, so there is now another guy there now, as well, which is really only to frustrate the other inmate further, not help. His legal matter is coming up in two weeks and he doesn’t have all of the information ready. It is obvious that he needs intensive mental health assistance, but the guards just play with him. They pepper sprayed him a few weeks ago, in the cell that I am now in. That could be why I have more upper respiratory tract infections and my nose bleeds some….things did calm down a little after they talked to him, but it looks like he will get written up for this. They gave him 3 last week. It is excessive, and will keep him in here for a long time, when he truly needs services.

I’ve prayed to the Lord for his entities to be released, as well as for all of us trying to endure this frigid coldness. Most of the men sleep in the floor in an attempt to get away from the cold, but I just can’t sleep next to the toilet like that, and we have no way to clean – but you know all of this. Why can’t they just fix the heating system? No one listens to our grievances here, so we just give up trying. The morale is so low, but I know must set examples. I told the other men that I have been sending grievances about the lack of heat.

Well, after several days of the lights being on past 11:30pm, they’ve cut the light off at 10 tonight. Maybe my grievance was read by someone?
I also know that I’m being led to write a grievance to CPS in my own words, but I just can’t sort it all out, and keep praying on how to word it in God’s time.

May God be with you in my absence.

It is good to see the sun, even if it is too cold here to feel it

Federal%20prison%20cell%20Vick

1/6/14
It has been a difficult day; so cold that I had to wear 3 pairs of socks, 3 each of shirt jackets and undershirts, and 1 pr of pants.

It’s going to perhaps even get to 0 degrees F tonight. I have written grievances to the Sgt, Unit Manager, the Cpt. and to the assistant superintendent. It is a request for a work order for the heat to be fixed. I know nothing will be done, but it does give you a path when writing an injunction against the treatment in isolation.

I have been working on my letter to CPS and I’ve gone through 100 sheets of paper trying to hand write this grievance, but I can’t get it right. I only have two sheets of paper left now, and one has a stain on it.

I’m so hungry. I think from being so cold that my body has used all of its resources to stay warm. I haven’t had any coffee today, either. It’s pretty bad. I’m having a lot of back pain too, and had to take some naproxen for it. Does your back hurt lately? I am so tuned in to you still that I can feel your different body aches and pains.

1/8/14

I saw the psychologist lady again today; she is no help whatsoever. All she asks is, “How can I help you?”, and then she interrupts you before you finish, and she interrupts saying she can’t do that. I told her again that I wanted a psychological eval and she says that there isn’t any evidence to suggest that I need one. Her response is, ” You should have stayed out of trouble so you wouldn’t be put in isolation,” as if she could stand the heat from being locked in a cell with no moving air in August. It’s no wonder the people go crazy – there is no rationale in a place like this. The lack of compassion by those who work here is alarming, as we are seen than less than human. She ended the ‘visit’ saying that if I needed her to let her know. Wow; as if she has done anything so far.   I told her that I would have to get my wife to call Raleigh to get any help, and she answered, “You just do that”.  Such is the attitude here in general.

The nurse came by to have me sign for a new diet that  I asked for, which should include wheat bread, and more fruit instead of all of the straight starch we are forced to eat now. There may actually be some ‘real’ meat.

It is nice to see the sun on the wall, at least, even if it is too cold to warm my room.  I am doing my best to surrender to the fact that God is in control, and it’s been so hard to let go of that need to fix things on my own. I try to be content and not look to man to meet my needs. The lessons are becoming easier to understand, but I must still the drive to want more.

I will be strictly monitored on this new diet that took several months of requesting to get on; my canteen – once I can order from it again, my weight will be checked each month and if I gain any weight I will be taken off of it, as well. It is not practical but I will try to earn this better grade of food.

The lights have been staying on past 11 or even 11:30 p.m., but 10 p.m. is the policy, even though they have the lame excuse that the lights are on so the men can shave, some times until 12 a.m.? We didn’t even get showers tonight, when there’s no reason not to, other than they don’t follow their own policies, yet expect us to. The Sgt. says there’s no policy in seg about turning off the lights, as long as the guards are working on things for the men. I find this very hard to believe.

I waited until 2 a.m. for grievance forms about this, but none came, so I finally laid down. I know I need to stand up for these things as long as it isn’t about pride, as I want to do things for God’s glory. When we delay obedience to God, by doing things on my own, it makes it more difficult to receive further instructions. The more our faith grows the easier it becomes to wait on God’s timing.

It’s been two years since I’ve had a piece of chicken…

1/1/14

Lunch today surprised me so much – chicken thigh with the bone in! I haven’t had a real piece of meat in two years! Praise God! We also had apple pie, greens, white rice with gravy and cornbread. The chicken is so great! I saved the leg to eat tonight with my eggs and toast. I saved the apple pie to eat later with my milk.

 I can't believe how much I miss fried chicken, or just real meat...

I can’t believe how much I miss fried chicken, or just real meat…

I pray we go outside tomorrow. I truly need some fresh air, and more space to move around.
In this new room  I only have about 30 or 40 square feet to move around in.

This is for 23 hours a day for five days straight, but as it is too cold for the outside rec with no coats, I am usually in this tiny space for 24 hours for eight to ten days at a time; sometimes longer. I think it has been almost two weeks since it was warm enough to try to go outside.

I’m going to ask for another pair of pants tonight. I’ve had the same pair for two weeks now. They let us change out once a week on Wednesdays, but I don’t want to switch them out until I have to. I was such a proud man and hard on everyone. Yes, your love was always there. Thank God He put you in my life. God has a purpose for all this suffering, Rochelle. We just need to wait patiently for God. This process is all part of God’s plan.

1/2/14
Your visit was so great; I have missed the boys so. They are growing so fast! You looked very happy.
Did I tell you that dad sent me a Christmas card? Everyone in the pictures looked so great. You have been doing such a good job of raising our boys on your own. God has been guiding you well.

1/3/14
I got all the information from the transcripts you requested, and got it ready and sent it on to the lawyer. I also noticed that during the past week, the lights have been staying off in the mornings until 6:00 a.m. with breakfast being served after that. God is so great! Your grievances is being used by God as a way to make change. We have also been served a little more at our meals.

I’ve been reviewing your complaint to CPS, and you’ve covered most everything. You have such a goo memory, there were just a few errors in time, but it’s so hard when we can’t talk on the phone or even face to face, just through glass. I know it is hard to remember things and then run to the car and write them down, or write questions to me on your arm before you come in to visit; and then the visits are only once or twice a month. There’s so much against us, I don’t see how you get anything done.

I’m wrapped up in four sheets and three waffle blankets. If we could have a quilt or cover it would make a big difference. The cement is so cold when it’s cold outside. We still do not have warm air through the vents.

They just threw my grievance back in my cell from the charge on 12/13, saying that they would refund the cost of this med call. But, only one follow up is allowed per fourteen days of a visit. Well, my first sick call was in July, and the others were due to the lack of care post-op.

I got my shower a little while ago and traded for some more coffee. I feel a little warmer, and can try again to write my story to CPS. It is harder to do than I thought it would be, to relive all of the injustice that happened to our family.

I’ve been asking for a pen now for a week…

They called for our weekly rec, outside time, at 6:30 a.m.

It was 20 degrees. If I had ever been given my thermals,

I would have gone out, anyway, but without them, in the dark with no sunshine, no way.

The prison does this because they know that no one has any way to keep warm to go outside.

I will send another request form to the nurse, asking about the sick call request I sent in over a week ago about still having pain, and I asked for psyllium fiber, as we only get starches to eat, with very little vegetables or near enough fiber to have healthy bowels. On Nov. 26, the lead nurse said I would be getting an assessment for a specialized diet, but none has been done, two weeks later. I did get a not from another nurse who said that this week I was scheduled for an assessment, which is then sent to Raleigh. But, no assessment. See, I cry my eyes out but no one hears my cries but Jesus. God will prevail. My head hurts from all of the crying and thinking so much, and the effects of being stuck in this cell all of the time.

I stood at the door for over an hour, waiting for an officer to come and get this form for a psychological interview.  Two CO’s later someone finally takes it on. The fiber pills just don’t work at all, and they are 625 mg, but the stuff I bought in canteen worked fine. (He doesn’t realize the effects of post-surgery bowel issues, and without proper diet and exericise is having great difficulty) I am under great stress from this extra pain and complication, and it also makes me feel very tired. If I want to talk to another guy, I have to stand at my door and yell, which is difficult to keep up for any length of time.

12/15/13

A nurse came in today and brought me two small pills, but didn’t even tell me what they were. My temp is still not normal, but it is better, at 98.3, and she said the pills may help, but it looks like the psyllium may not be enough right now. The next option is some sort of liquid. I hate when they don’t tell me things. I had asked to take these things before surgery to help me through the post-op, but they refused to give me anything. I know my body better than them, but they act like we cannot make any decisions on our own.

I was able to eat better today, so when they served a burger patty, 1/2 c of rice, another 1/2 c of lima beans, and then a cookie and corn bread for later. But, the nurse never did come back. The doctor, the few times I have seen him, avoids eye contact, so I know I can’t trust what he tells me. But, what am I to do?

I hope to hear from the psychologist soon. I really need relief. The emptiness of this place is so consuming. Your letters are so full of light in this dreadful place, and full of God’s word.

It’s so cold tonight, and the air never stops pelting my face and hands. I traded with a friend for a regular pen and it writes so good compared to the seg pen. I’ve been asking for a pen now for a week. The Co’s just say, “I just gave out the last one”; like that’s funny to them.

It’s hard for me to remember when I read, “Bless them that hurt you, and pray for them that despitefully use you,” that it was more targeted for our family and close ones over our enemies. Family members have become an enemy to me in many ways by not helping to take care of the children, but I will send them love, regardless.

God’s plan may not make sense right now…

12/12/13
We are more connected now beyond what most can understand.
Reading your last letter put me there with you and our boys.
I could feel Nate’s pain through each word you wrote.
I wept so hard for him, as I felt his pain.
It never gets easier to bear. But, you and I truly did our best.
If nothing else, it was mostly my fault. I felt so bad because we’d had no choice but to send DJ back to that hellhole with his mother. We just couldn’t get any help from the mental health system.
There is never enough to go around for these kids(kids with special needs), as the funding is always cut to line someone else’s pockets further up the chain.

I was just blinded by wanting to show Daniel Jr. love; I needed him to see that I cared for him. I was so excited about being a project manager, having a job ‘back home’ after being up north for that time away from Southern people and family; it felt like a new start.
I also didn’t want him to feel the way that my dad made me feel, that I was nothing, worthless…
When we moved back to North Carolina, I had hoped that perhaps we could start over, maybe do family therapy, try again to get some help and find out what exactly had been going on. We just didn’t know.
There was so much confusion, and Carolyn always kept the older kids riled up and starting things at home; it was hard to keep things calm.
Nothing I can say will change what happened, I just pray to God, for it all.

I pray, for all of my children to receive healing. There is nothing I can do in here, but pray, the hurt is so strong knowing that we just weren’t fully aware of the extent of the damage that was occurring. God forgive DJ for doing those acts, and I pray Veronica, Nate and Alex will learn to lean on the Lord to give them hope. Their faith will grow as ours has, and even though God’s plan may not make sense right now, it will in time, according to His purpose. Nothing I can say, as a man can make anything right. My love has become so much stronger knowing Jesus’ love is so much more than we can understand. I wish I could hold all of them, my children, and give them comfort where there is none, and let them feel their daddy’s love again. May they feel God’s love around them, giving them comfort.

They are still tearing off the holiday stickers that you put on my envelopes. But, at least they aren’t marking out the bible verses you write on them. I am listening to the Christmas shoe song. It always makes me cry to hear that. I miss my mom so much. She never had much, but she always tried to give more than she had. Those little gifts meant so much to her to be able to give to her children and grandchildren. It wasn’t the toy that mattered, it was what was in her heart. She was so giving!
helping-others

One stone can change the world

12/12/13
david-and-goliath

Someone must be reading my grievances; yesterday I noticed that the air was warmer while still blowing with so much force. They must have raised the temp just a few degrees, which makes a big difference for us.

God spoke to me while I was listening to a preacher speak about David and Goliath, and it came to me that often-heard story is meant as to explain the coming of Christ; that Jesus was the stone in David’s sling that would defeat sin. David didn’t worry about manmade armor or a large weapon; his only concern was the protection of his people against an enemy. Even as Saul’s men trembled, David went to the stream bed and picked out a perfect assortment of rocks. They laughed at this young man, standing confident with no armor or expensive gear; just a simple peasant. But, David’s faith was so strong that he let God lead his arm, so that the stone brought him down, and David cut of Goliath’s head with his own sword.

See how this is Christ coming to change the world? He came to do away with sin that has separated us from our heavenly Father. God was showing the world that one stone can change the world.

Don’t be afraid to praise God! Rejoice in the Lord and proclaim His work to all. Yes, we all fail at times, but draw on the strength of God. My heart was hardened with so many years of abuse, but in His light, you always shined! God knew it would take a strong woman to break me down for Him to begin working on me! Praise God! Let others know that it is Jesus’ love for them; to have hope – many have suffered but you are not alone! We have to take it on faith! Even in such a place as this I can love the Lord! I feel secure in God’s hands, something I’ve never felt before. He will never make us come to Him.
I just want to convey my joy in God to be released from bondage that I alone had put myself in, as sin no longer controls me. Know the Lord is with you! With faith are we made free!