Allow God to work in your life, to be in control…

listentogod1

1/28/14
I just got another SAT book, this one from Barron’s, but the Black book says these books don’t help much. I think though that this book will help more with the concepts I need to study and get more practice with, mainly because I haven’t done work like this in 20 years. Man, I’m old!

I’m still working out, but my back hurts; I would give anything to see a chiropractor. It is like I have a pinched nerve. I know an adjustment would take care of it. I got my grievance back today, and they said they asked the officers to consider turning off the light at a decent hour from now on, but their excuse is that the inmates need to shave or to move around after 10. But, they should start this earlier in the evening. It’s not like we’re doing anything else, anyway.

You are so beautiful, and I miss you so! You mean so much to my well being! Thank the Lord for your presence in my life. Things will become easier as we learn God’s will for our lives. I love your enthusiasm! You help me keep my excitement up while I focus more on reading and studying more.

The heat issue just can’t get resolved. They won’t repair this heating system, and sometimes it works, and sometimes not. Now that I had to turn in my extra clothes I about have to stay under the covers all day to stay warm with only one pair of socks and a shirt. I’m so afraid of getting sick, and I can only work out for a little while and then sometimes I start to hurt. It has been such a blessing to keep the health I do have. An extra mat to sleep on would sure help my back; heaven forbid I ever get to feel a real mattress again…

1/30/14
Don’t worry so much about the move; you are making too much of it, and not trusting God enough. Bring yourself back to God so he can guide you down the correct path.

I’m not sure about this lawyer either. They should be answering us sooner, but often work on their own time, not our. I’m not disagreeing with you about the investigator either, but remember everyone wants as much money as they can get. Pray about this, and don’t allow others to influence you by getting you all riled up. Calm down and talk to God. I do believe things should be moving quicker, but God is in control, so wait on Him!

2/1/14
Every aspect of our life should be spent thanking God for all He has created. I am so blessed He sent me a friend like you, who takes such good care of our children. It was such a blessing to be allowed to go outside today, around 7:20 a.m. The CO’s didn’t make fun of us as they usually do. Praise God for changing their hearts! It was around 35 degrees, so not too bad, and I got to talk to some of the guys out here today. They let us stay outside for about an hour and a half; my toes were numb, but it was worth it! We should be getting our reviews soon, someone said, and that some of us could be shipped out.

It was so great to get a shower tonight. I didn’t notice the time, but they were sort of rushing everyone, and the shower were finished by 9 p.m. Normally it would be after 10:30, leaving most of us to wait 20 or 30 minute. And, they turned out the lights – Praise God! It is so great to rest without all of the blaring lights.

2/3/2014
Good day, Rochelle. How are things at home? I hope they are well. If not, tell me about it. May God’s peace be with you at home and in your hearts. Every day poses these problems, but each day Jesus gives His love to me to comfort my despair. Sorry for not writing more. I’ve been trying to listen to God more, an staying still. God doesn’t make mistakes, so when are you going to see your worth? You are so valuable for His work on Earth. Kneel down and ask for guidance, for your head to stop spinning. You are not taking enough time for God.
Slow down!
Get off of that computer more, and listen to God! Read His word. I’ve been a very stubborn man, and am finally ready to listen to His guidance and to hear His voice! I had allowed my life experiences to harden my heart, and now the Holy Spirit continues to break the outer man and to see how the world had me in its grip. Allow God to work in your life. When you allow God to be in control, then your life can truly begin.

Little Victories

 

1/27/14

One need not always trust in the 'large' things -  Isaiah 31  King James Version (KJV) 31 Woe to them that go down to Egypt for help; and stay on horses, and trust in chariots, because they are many; and in horsemen, because they are very strong; but they look not unto the Holy One of Israel, neither seek the Lord!

One need not always trust in the ‘large’ things –
Isaiah 31
King James Version (KJV)
31 Woe to them that go down to Egypt for help; and stay on horses, and trust in chariots, because they are many; and in horsemen, because they are very strong; but they look not unto the Holy One of Israel, neither seek the Lord!

I’m reading your letter to be about how you feel imprisoned, somewhat like  I am experiencing, although our prisons are different. No matter what either of us does, we can’t escape. This is God, working on our outer selves, which is essential to allow God’s Spirit to be released. Praise God for how you’ve been able to surrender to this discipline, and for learning patience with our children. I’m so glad to hear the boys are branching out, and aren’t so afraid to do their own things. I’m so proud of their growth amid all of the things they’ve been through. I just pray they see how loved they are by God, and are being taught by Him in so many ways. God is working on Nate so he can learn to discern who his real friends are, and to not feel ashamed for speaking out against injustice at school. God is using my suffering to teach them, to reach others, as well who need to realize the anguish and injustice in their own backyards.

I have to admit, I’ve been under attack now for over a week. I’ve not been happy with what God is allowing to happen in my life. I stay confused and blocked from understanding what is happening to me. I know I have to work through it, and am battling this selfish outer man. You have been so encouraging throughout this whole ordeal, and  know your love for me is real. I just feel so weakened and alone lately, and have to just give it to God…

I’ve noticed my eyes become blurry after reading awhile.  I have to pull the book or paper away from my face to be able to ready clearly. I used to have 20-15 vision, but only God knows what being in isolation has done…

I’m watching 60 minutes and listening to how there is such a shortage of psych0logists and therapists across the nati0n; and stories like what you’ve been through recently with our boys. Then they talked about how there are lack of beds in the institutions for the extreme behavior needs like what we experienced with my two children that led us to end up like this, due to not having adequate care in the mental health fields. If you can google this, maybe you will find some support sites so you have other people to talk to, and can maybe even get some help with our case. Isn’t it amazing how much has to happen before things like this come to the light?

Speaking of lights, this crew tonight is the one that often leaves our lights on until midnight, which was the main reason I wrote the grievance about not having any relief from the lighting. Tonight, though, they went out at 10:38 p.m., which is so wonderful! Even the little things feel like big victories!

 

I’ve been so lonely, and just gave my heart to the Lord

Sorry, I took a few days off and listened to football games.

Carolina lost, but they played hard for the first half, just seemed to lose focus. We do that, forget to keep our eyes on God.

God has to be centered in all that we do, so that we can truly come to know His power. Once it becomes about ourselves, the God is lost to us. We have to surrender ourselves to God, so that the fight comes through Him. This will be the only way that our truth can be revealed, by how we speak, live our lives, and surrendering to what ‘is’. When we rush things, we hinder God’s plan.

These past few days have been so cold, with the men complaining, but doing nothing in writing. I am amazed by how cold it is for us in here. I miss you so much. I’ve had to wear all of my clothes, and it’s gotten down to 0 degrees in the night.  I hope to get some more coffee in a couple of days to help ease it off a little.

Thank you so much for sharing with me what is going on at home; I so miss being a family. Even the little things about washing dishes with you after you made a mess all over the kitchen from one of your great, home cooked meals, the faces the boys make, their shenanigans, and excuses at bedtime and running all over the house.

I did finally get the new diet today. They kept trying to give me a regular one, but I sent it back. I’m not going to give them something to cancel it for, when I’ve worked so hard to get it! I got some exercise in today, and that helped warm me a little.  No pain today, which is a good sign.

I want you to calm down about the lawyer; I think you’ve scared them, I know how you can be. Be patient, I’m sure they have many cases, and God is working things out as He sees fit. Take some deep breaths and stay calm. Nothing much rattles your cage, except maybe a horse falling in the pool with the cover on it, or a nest of wound up yellow jackets..lol, but we all have different skill sets and abilities, and can then draw a complement in a mate.

I hope to see you on Wednesday, it was such a blessing to see the boys! It caught me off guard and was such a surprise. If you can’t make it this week, I understand. …

1/15/14

You are so beautiful today, you walked in with such confidence. You have been a great example for our children.

I got back to my cell and there were some papers by my door. Someone had tried to set up a visit but forgot to add a driver’s license copy, so it was good that I had not quite finished the letter to my friend. Now I am able to request new forms, and explain what happened in this letter and mail them together. God created a way for me to save a stamp, which is always good to do in here. He always keeps our circumstances in mind.

I’ve been so lonely, and I just gave my heart to the Lord and cried for a long time, my heart is just so sick from this isolation and separation. When I calmed down, I opened my devotional to Psalms 4, and cried even more, it was entitled, “Sweet Rest”. I feel he answered my prayer with your visit. He gave me sweet mercy, and also you enough gas to make the visit. My heart is filled with joy.

 Psalm 4  King James Version (KJV) 4 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.


Psalm 4
King James Version (KJV)
4 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer.

It is obvious he needs mental assistance, but the guards just play with him

1/9/14

Taken from an article in the examiner on mental health conditions

Taken from an article in the examiner on mental health conditions

I was listening to the radio show Focus on the Family today.
It has been such a valuable tool in teaching me how to raise the children.
They have so many good ideas. That’s why I’ve been writing so much lately about the boys, because their faith needs to grow so God’s power can truly be amplified through our family as a unit.

I’ve asked the boys to forgive me for being a bad example sometimes, and to try not to follow in those steps. Today’s show talked about how important it is to be a good role model as men to our daughters so they will pick appropriate men later in life. It discussed how girls are affected by the lack of a healthy relationship with their dads, and how they expect their adult relationship to give them what their father didn’t or couldn’t. You used to do this to me, and we have talked about the importance of my being loving to my daughter in the past, and so I spent more time with her, on her home work, going to school and advocating for her when there were school issues, getting off work and going to her soccer games. It has become clear to me in listening to this broadcast that you take time and forgive your dad, because you did subconsciously punish me for how your father treated you, and took quite a bit out on me over the years. You know I only tell you this so you will release some of the pain in your heart over the past. I hope you will find these broadcasts somehow and listen to them.

The Sgt. has come next door as the guy keeps pushing the green button, which is only for medical emergencies. Apparently his legal mail is not going out, so there is now another guy there now, as well, which is really only to frustrate the other inmate further, not help. His legal matter is coming up in two weeks and he doesn’t have all of the information ready. It is obvious that he needs intensive mental health assistance, but the guards just play with him. They pepper sprayed him a few weeks ago, in the cell that I am now in. That could be why I have more upper respiratory tract infections and my nose bleeds some….things did calm down a little after they talked to him, but it looks like he will get written up for this. They gave him 3 last week. It is excessive, and will keep him in here for a long time, when he truly needs services.

I’ve prayed to the Lord for his entities to be released, as well as for all of us trying to endure this frigid coldness. Most of the men sleep in the floor in an attempt to get away from the cold, but I just can’t sleep next to the toilet like that, and we have no way to clean – but you know all of this. Why can’t they just fix the heating system? No one listens to our grievances here, so we just give up trying. The morale is so low, but I know must set examples. I told the other men that I have been sending grievances about the lack of heat.

Well, after several days of the lights being on past 11:30pm, they’ve cut the light off at 10 tonight. Maybe my grievance was read by someone?
I also know that I’m being led to write a grievance to CPS in my own words, but I just can’t sort it all out, and keep praying on how to word it in God’s time.

May God be with you in my absence.

It’s been two years since I’ve had a piece of chicken…

1/1/14

Lunch today surprised me so much – chicken thigh with the bone in! I haven’t had a real piece of meat in two years! Praise God! We also had apple pie, greens, white rice with gravy and cornbread. The chicken is so great! I saved the leg to eat tonight with my eggs and toast. I saved the apple pie to eat later with my milk.

 I can't believe how much I miss fried chicken, or just real meat...

I can’t believe how much I miss fried chicken, or just real meat…

I pray we go outside tomorrow. I truly need some fresh air, and more space to move around.
In this new room  I only have about 30 or 40 square feet to move around in.

This is for 23 hours a day for five days straight, but as it is too cold for the outside rec with no coats, I am usually in this tiny space for 24 hours for eight to ten days at a time; sometimes longer. I think it has been almost two weeks since it was warm enough to try to go outside.

I’m going to ask for another pair of pants tonight. I’ve had the same pair for two weeks now. They let us change out once a week on Wednesdays, but I don’t want to switch them out until I have to. I was such a proud man and hard on everyone. Yes, your love was always there. Thank God He put you in my life. God has a purpose for all this suffering, Rochelle. We just need to wait patiently for God. This process is all part of God’s plan.

1/2/14
Your visit was so great; I have missed the boys so. They are growing so fast! You looked very happy.
Did I tell you that dad sent me a Christmas card? Everyone in the pictures looked so great. You have been doing such a good job of raising our boys on your own. God has been guiding you well.

1/3/14
I got all the information from the transcripts you requested, and got it ready and sent it on to the lawyer. I also noticed that during the past week, the lights have been staying off in the mornings until 6:00 a.m. with breakfast being served after that. God is so great! Your grievances is being used by God as a way to make change. We have also been served a little more at our meals.

I’ve been reviewing your complaint to CPS, and you’ve covered most everything. You have such a goo memory, there were just a few errors in time, but it’s so hard when we can’t talk on the phone or even face to face, just through glass. I know it is hard to remember things and then run to the car and write them down, or write questions to me on your arm before you come in to visit; and then the visits are only once or twice a month. There’s so much against us, I don’t see how you get anything done.

I’m wrapped up in four sheets and three waffle blankets. If we could have a quilt or cover it would make a big difference. The cement is so cold when it’s cold outside. We still do not have warm air through the vents.

They just threw my grievance back in my cell from the charge on 12/13, saying that they would refund the cost of this med call. But, only one follow up is allowed per fourteen days of a visit. Well, my first sick call was in July, and the others were due to the lack of care post-op.

I got my shower a little while ago and traded for some more coffee. I feel a little warmer, and can try again to write my story to CPS. It is harder to do than I thought it would be, to relive all of the injustice that happened to our family.

Allow God to break the outer self

 Psalm 136  King James Version (KJV) 136 O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. 2 O give thanks unto the God of gods: for his mercy endureth for ever. 3 O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy endureth for ever.


Psalm 136
King James Version (KJV)
136 O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.
2 O give thanks unto the God of gods: for his mercy endureth for ever.
3 O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy endureth for ever.

12/30/13

 

Dear Rochelle,

God is love. That is what God wants all men and women to know. As God’s children, we search for love, but often don’t know where to look. It’s hard for us to understand His love because it comes freely. We think there is always a price for love. Why? Well, we often equate sex for love. Sex should only be a by-product of our love as man and wife, not what comes first. We have replaced God’s love with empty words. We want to find satisfaction and we think sex is the answer, but we can never be fulfilled in this way.

From partner to partner we look, but our answers cannot be found in ‘man’. This is one way God breaks the outer self, to show us that we are not in control. Time after time He shows us. It is only in knowing God that our emptiness subsides. When our outer self is broken, then we receive great joy, a feeling beyond the flesh, beyond explanation. It is the one ture love that we should seek first, and then we will be equally yoked with a partner.

Now, don’t think that it isn’t that I don’t desire you, Rochelle. You are never far from my thoughts. My wanting you burns deep, wanting once again to be intimate with you. I now know that my love for you is pure, as it has moved beyond the simple physical. Intimacy as husband and wife is a pouring out of God’s love; His spirit being in them both to become one before God. There is no shame in God’s eyes so why should be ashamed in front of each other? Our society has become so corrupt that we no longer live for God. His love then becomes bound inside us, and cannot be released.

The outer self has to be disciplined and broken to pieces in order for God’s spirit to be released. We need to allow God to be the blacksmith, and bend us in His fire to be made anew.  We have to lay ourselves before God, and give ourselves up, seeking Him intimately. Only then will you find the true love that you seek.

The prison has never addressed my pain post-op

12/27/13 I received your letter, with the grievance and the emails from Congressman Howard Coble, and as well as the Senator Trudy Wade. Your grievance to the Guilford County CPS/DSS was remarkable.

How much pain it must have been to relive our time with them. God must truly be behind this path, for Him to help you endure that torture again, remembering each detail.

I hope you will feel better soon. I continue to pray for your health to improve. For myself, I want so badly to feel whole again. I attempted to exercise Monday, and paid for it, dearly. I began standing toe touches, slowly working down to my toes, only doing 26 at a time.  Along with standing bicycles, with my elbows bending to touch my knees, 25. Also, side bends, with 50 in a set. Then 25 pushups in a set. I ended up with 100 toe touches, 100 standing bicycles, as many push ups and 2oo side bends. Now remember, before this surgery I was doing 1,000 pushups. This morning, I couldn’t even get out of bed without dragging myself along, as my right side hurt so bad. I took ibuprofen all day long. It didn’t stop for three days! So, I am nothing near ‘normal’ for me. The prison has never addressed my issue with pain post-op, and there is still something wrong with my intestines. There seems to be a lump  I can feel with the toe touches.

Your short letter brought me so much joy that you mailed with the second prison complaint follow-up from November. I wept to think how much I mean to you that you would put yourself in front of all these state people for me. Even as you face so much adversity, you continue to encourage me to try harder in here to be heard.

Only God can know my heart, Rochelle. I was never good at words to tell you how much you mean to me.

12/28/13

They woke me up at 6:25 a.m. to tell me I had to pack up, and am moving to D-wing. I only got two hours of sleep from the door slamming, and am exhausted and grouchy. In the new cell, the light is directly overhead, but

the air is not facing me when I sleep! Praise God, it is barely moving in the vent! I will not have to wear all of the extra clothes. There is also a seat now, whereas I had to write while hunched on the edge of my sleep ledge before. I did lose my extra mat to lie on. We sleep on what looks like a kindergarten mat, no mattress.

So, everything you’re writing to these people is starting to get to them here. I trust God will keep improving conditions through you!

I wrote to my case manager, and he answered back saying that my review date for seg has been moved forward to January, instead of waiting until February. There is a chance I may get out of seg by the end of January. Even moving to the close ops would be an improvement!

I know that this false charge has been a way for us to be put in a place to stay still and seek Him for our strength.

Thank you for allowing God to build a better relationship with us, and Him. We have grown so much closer in the past four months, and my own strength and belief is much stronger now.  I miss you so much!

I am reading Wednesday’s paper that I got on Friday today, as I draw each one out so they last through the weekend. this helps me to have some distraction in this new place. I’ve finished the bible study correspondence you sent. I wish I had a longer, harder one. In this new area, I’ve noticed that there are many in here to talk to themselves, even to the point of answering. So, this is where the ones go that have to stay long periods. I was in a revolving door wing, for those with only 40 days or so time.

This is no way to exist. No wonder they crack. God help us all. I now don’t feel alone in my distress.

I simply thought I was weak.

The torture is not something one can fight; it is administered on us day after day.

I am now in a room with very little space to move. The handicap room had 20 more square feet of space.

That is tremendous loss of space! But, I can see the sun through the windows now, and it warms my wall! Praise Him for the small things, always. I don’t have to wear all of those layers, and …I won! I won, I won, 30 stamps! So far no losses with 15 games .

I’ve been trying to clean. Obviously the last one here had some disagreements with the staff of Marion Correctional ICON.

I can’t remember the last night I slept more than two hours. That psychologist needs to stay in here for a few weeks with only two hours of sleep and see if she still calls it ‘normal’. Or maybe more like four months like this.

Now, I can hear a t.v. Can’t see it, but it is such a blessing to at least hear something normal, anything. I can hear the news, and I may be able to even hear the Super Bowl! If I’m still back here, of course.

God has been working through you in such great ways. Rest and follow God’s instructions. I so long to hold you in my arms. You are such an unselfish woman who has allowed her outer self to be broken so that God’s spirit may truly shine for the world to see. Through all of our trials and suffering God breaks the ‘outer self’ so He might shine through on the earth. As we embrace the suffering, and accept the need to surrender, then true work is done!

(Battle of Carchemish) Jeremiah 46 ~ 10 For this is the day of the Lord God of hosts, A day of vengeance, That He may avenge Himself on His adversaries. The sword shall devour; It shall be satiated and made drunk with their blood; For the Lord God of hosts has a sacrifice In the north country by the River Euphrates. 11 “Go up to Gilead and take balm, O virgin, the daughter of Egypt; In vain you will use many medicines; You shall not be cured.

Even if  I have to  be like Jeremiah and proclaim God’s word for 40 years, so be it! You should see me dancing around my room.

I won!