I wonder if they miss us

I truly miss our family. Even with all of the problems.

I had a dream last night that I was out of seg and had a visitor.

I entered the busy visitation room with all of the noise and bustle, and looked all around for you.

Then I heard, “Daddy”! I turned around and there she was, even though I knew immediately.

She had that same squeal just as she used to when I came home from work.

It seemed so real to see her, and she had brought a young man with her, as well.

I wonder if she was thinking about me; if she and my other two sons miss all of the things we used to do as a family, all of the trips and soccer games and wrestling with her brothers and riding her horse, the trips to the beach you’d save up for so we could all go, the times we’d drive to the mountains of NC and cut down our own Christmas tree and drink hot cider and spend the night. It all seems so far away and dreamlike, now.

I miss my children, Shel. All of them. Even after all of the trouble, hurt and pain they have caused; they have been through so much. When I would throw them all around in the pool, she would do the same thing.

It is so hard to be in this position, of hurt, anger and love, and then the misery of being here, the alienation of it all. I wonder if the nightmare will ever end.

I got a copy of the two grievances you wrote and posted to each of the administrative emails, as well as the governor today.

I know I have to keep writing these sick calls, and these requests for my long johns, but it feels so hopeless. The requests never go anywhere. I can’t even have a chair, for Pete’s sake. Would that be so hard to do? I am not violent. The throbbing doesn’t ever go fully away, and the pain is still too sharp after I start to stretch or do any exercise. And, now, in addition to all of my clothes I am lying under seven sheets and 2 blankets. I still haven’t gotten any help with the sick call from November 14th. So, they say I must write another request. I filled out another 490 for the long johns.

Well, later they led me out of here in hand cuffs, a belly chain and foot shackles to medical tonight just before 10 p.m. They took my blood pressure through 2 shirt jackets, 3 shirts, and I wonder how accurate that will be! The lead nurse started asking questions about my level of pain, which I said changes depending on whether or not I try to move. All they do is have me to lie down and mash a little around the now closed incision, and tell me that I am fine. They are doing no internal diagnostics.

I couldn’t believe they were doing anything at all, so I asked if they were seeing me because of a letter that had been written on my behalf. Of course they say, ‘no’.  If so, why was I being seen this late at night, and not by the regular day shift? I asked to see my blood work results, but all they say is that it was ‘fine’.  I asked how I could still be this cold, but they never have and answer.

It’s obvious that your calls and letters/emails are making them very uncomfortable. I just want you to know that what you are doing is great. Don’t lose heart…

Good morning. Well, I was taken once more to medical, at 9 a.m. and they wouldn’t allow me to wear my shirt jackets to walk through the prison. Another new, arbitrary rule to keep us confused, I guess. My temperature is again below normal, 97.5. I told the doctor that I still had odd swelling, and he says I could have issues for up to six months. This makes no sense. I told him that it was nothing like this before, and the pain seems to be coming from all over.

I asked him for help with the long johns, as medical has to write them up, and he said there would not be any coming from medical. I looked at the nurse who knew that she had just told you recently that the 490 had to be written from medical and then the doctor said medical was not in the business of handing out thermals. I guess this is retaliation for your writing the medical grievance. Even the CO couldn’t believe it. So, here I am, back in my cell, cold, and there are other inmates with 490s for thermals.

Well, I didn’t get my package so   tried to sleep, but couldn’t. The guys were all opening their food packages, and the ones that didn’t have them were trying to trade with the others.  I received your card and letters. They make me cry. It’s been s hard to be away from you. I have been so emotional. You have been such a blessing.

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May God be part of your Every Decision

 I hope you and the readers don’t mind that I just seem to jump from topic to topic. I work so hard to stay focused in here, but it gets so hard at times. I never thought this was going to be as bad it is becoming.  I read the bible, and all of the things you send me, but there’s so little to occupy my time. It would be so great if some folks would write to me. I don’t mind answering any questions, or just corresponding. Will you give them my address?  I enjoy looking at the blog excerpts you send me, and am really surprised that people are reading this. I just do the best I can to get through these days, and to learn all I can so as to be a better person and to make a difference in the world and to help my children heal, as God allows us to reconnect.

Let’s see, today.November 23rd, I’ve been in here 84 days. It has been great to at least hear what is going on in the world through others. The Tarheels won today, 8-20, a football game! Appalachian State also did great 24-0 against WNCU at halftime.

I put in yet another request form for medical to let me have thermals. I just stay cold in here, and with the pain, it is bad. They are the only one who can administer the 490 for them. I just took a shower and feel so much better. I don’t understand why they won’t let us bathe everyday. They have plenty of personnel to do so. I mean, I do understand that it is a form of punishment, but to what end? I’m hungry, and have one more peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so will eat that here at 10 p.m. and write more later…

11/24/13

I was listening to 106.9 and the Christian music has more power than ever before, for some reason. I started crying this morning listening, just raising my hands, swaying back and forth and singing. It was so meaningful to hear God’s word, and to feel His love filling my heart. Without Him, I’d not have the strength to continue. I can do nothing in my own strength. I will fail every time, but realizing this and confessing this to God, believing in his Son will give me true strength and power. This truly lifts my Spirit, which is the power of Jesus in me.

The after affects of this entire incident from August 31 has been horrible. I now see that they’ve added 15, yes 15 years to my sentence because I didn’t want to suffocate in a prison cell, and asked for a CO to do something about the lack of moving air, and they’ve given me 24 points. I will be forced to do almost a year in isolation and continued to be punished for two or three more years afterward!

I still can’t over being so cold…I am in a building and have to wear 3 shirts, 2 shirt jackets, and pants, and my feet are still cold!

I just want to wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving, and be sure to be thankful for all that you have-there’s always someone out there doing far worse. I will continue to write more of what God is teaching me in my next letters. May God be part of your every decision.

Trust Him, and He will not fail you!

Be Encouraged to see how how far We’ve Come

Repenting helps us stay aligned in times of trouble, before we 'wreck' from poor choices.

Repenting helps us stay aligned in times of trouble, before we ‘wreck’ from poor choices.

You don’t need to expect anything. God will provide if it is truly a door opening for you.

Focus on your healing work only. Praise God for the opportunity to do the work. This will be an exciting time for you to connect with others who are opening to the word of Jesus so long ago, encouraging us to do good works in His name. You have always had a warmness about you that calms people.

It stays so cold in here. Today I’m wearing two pairs of socks, 2 shirts, 2 shirt jackets, and my pants. I can’t seem to get any help requesting long johns.

They brought someone new in to seg today. He said he was just sitting in his chair in the t.v. room and watching t.v. and someone came up behind him and hit him on the side of the head near his eye. He doesn’t even know who hit him. It was most likely someone doing a ‘check off’. Someone owed this guy  some of his package or food and the other didn’t want to share what this one had paid for, so he gets him locked up and this guy can’t get what he had paid the one who hit for. It will be gone before that guy gets out. It is very rough in here.

11/18/13

I am listening to ‘Focus on the Family’, and they are talking about strong willed children. I want you to go to their website and see if any of their materials will help you with the boys, and look for Dr. Leman’s book, “Parenting Your Powerful Child”.

A nurse came to see me today because of my sick call. I asked for a way to purchase vitamins, fish oil, but she said she could only approve it after blood work. I told her that they were supposed to be checking it for low iron, but that no one had. Then she told me to use the canteen, but, of course, in seg we are not allowed to purchase ANY food related items. When she was done this time, she didn’t charge me for the sick call. I was very surprised.

This has to be due to your calls to the prison’s Medical and Assistant Superintendent. They now know that someone is watching them. Praise God!

Well, I didn’t get a Saturday paper, I guess one of the guards got it, courtesy of you, but I did get a Sunday one. The pain comes and goes still, like a nerve that gets hit, but I just deal with it. When it does hit me, it’s rough, though.

The food was better today, but it’s a shame that we can’t even get any ketchup, mustard or mayo. Haven’t had that in months, and it is almost nuts to some, I guess, just how important small things like this become when you have nothing except what another allows you to have.

The nurse came by tonight and told me not to eat anything after midnight because there will be blood drawn.  I listened to the game, so GREAT that the Panthers won, 24-20–Woo woo!! I just wish I could sleep, but the light came on at 5 a.m., with breakfast served at 5:30 a.m. I couldn’t eat it, of course, and they came around to ask about outside rec at 6:30 a.m, and of course the nurse came right after the guard and said 7 a.m. would be the time to draw my blood, so no food or once weekly cage exercise. I waited and waited because she said they would be there, but no one showed up until 8:15 a.m. She said they would only check my platelets. I guess I fasted for nothing if no cholesterol check?

They did bring me the prison hygiene pack which was one use of body wash, their toothpaste, a small deodorant, lotion, and a small toothbrush.

11/21/13

It was so good to see you yesterday. I stay so clouded with these walls closing me down. I’ve decided that nothing will keep me apart from Jesus as a son of God. It is difficult to stay focused on what it is I want to do when I get out of here so that I can fulfill my purpose for enduring the suffering, as well as what I have learned so that I can help others. I just feel like I have to wait for God’s will to be made clear to me. For now, He is still working on me. I still need confidence to be able to go forth and help others, to talk to those I don’t know and do His will through my life.

Be encouraged to see how far we have come. God is working through us both separately. Use what God has brought you, and revealed to you to bring glory to Him. You were correct, dear, when you said my shame from my past hurts in life is holding me back. I have done nothing to be ashamed of, and this pain that I am enduring is for His Glory in His time. Past pains should be laid down as I continue to be strengthened by His words.

Reading Jeremiah has helped me to see my own arrogance, thinking being a good person was mostly what I needed to do to go to Heaven. This was such a misconception.  I was sometimes selfish with my resources, and my time. I had become content with my plans, and not God’s. repentance   means so much more than just to admit one has sinned.

Repentance means to admit to God that you’re not aligned with Him.

People become prideful, though, and think their small sins don’t hurt. But, look at it this way: if your car is out of alignment and you release the steering wheel, it will veer off of the road; sometimes very fast, and it will get worse if you don’t get your wheels realigned, causing you to wreck. Repenting gives us a chance to get realigned, when we stp by the garage, or checking in with God, keeping us safe.

Keep your eye on God’s will

10/25/13

relationships, injustice, solitude

Psalm 37:7-9
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm. For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.”

Don’t worry about me; well, maybe a little, but not enough to get anxious.

We need to stay focused on what will help us move forward. Moving forward

doesn’t mean forgetting – it just means we do better to work on what we are able to change now, and work on what we can’t when it looks like we can make a difference later. Our true goal is to get me out. But, your daily goal is to our family.

Just keep your eye on God’s will to occur in your life, as well as the children’s.

I don’t know where I’m going with this except that I don’t want you to be kept from your daily life.

I keep having these sharp pains in the incision. I guess it is healing, but I don’t remember pains like this from the last surgery at home. I don’t think the doctor did a very good job, but that could just be my opinion. I think this pain, and being in here so long now makes me confuse myself sometimes. Ideas, thoughts just flow right out of head, and I forget what I was doing or thinking…

They came by tonight and gave me another blanket, Thank you, Jesus; and I asked the CO if I could change my original for another, as you could see through the only one I had, so he did. Now, I will be a little warmer in here.

Praise God for such relief. It may be small to most reading this, but in here, where things are out of your control to care for yourself, the little things become even more important. I really wish I had those ear muffs you bought me for when I had to repair equipment in the winter. They always kept my head warm.

I’m just starting to feel my legs, and ate a peanut butter sandwich. I wish there was hot intstead of just cold, constant air blowing on me. I wish you were here with me to keep me warm. The low for tonight is the upper 20’s, and with no quilts or covers, even wearing two undershirts and a work shirt isn’t enough.

I started to lose consciousness, but it’s like I was floating

Oct. 15, 2013

Dear Love,

I’ve had my surgery, and it went well.                                              prison, relationships, spiritualtiy

But, during recovery I had to pee. They wouldn’t let me sit on the toilet.

I’m in handcuffs with shackles on my legs, and it was very difficult as I’d just come out of the surgery.

I felt something running down my leg, and thought I’d had an accident because of the aesthetics,

but it was blood – in rivulets, and it wouldn’t stop…

just like that time ten years ago when I had the toncillectomy and we were in the ER,

and you had the baby in the carrier, and you just sat in the floor and starting to pray, holding CW in your arms, I guess he was not quite two then, and all of the doctors were dabbing swabs, nurses yelling, my blood won’t stop, and you’re there, eyes closed, praying for me. I felt you there.

I tried to sit down on the bed, but the chains wouldn’t let me reach far enough, so I had to scoot and lean back while the nurses kept yelling and pushing buttons, screaming for help, pushing all manner of cloths, sponges; whatever against the incision, working to get the flow to stop. I started to lose consciousness, but it’s like I was floating.

They were all in slow motion as I lay on the bed, and they called the ER doctor back, getting ready to wheel me back to the OR and see what happened,

and then it just stopped.

Just like before. They decided to keep me there overnight, just in case something else happened. My nurse was a man, and he took very good care of me, and then a woman, who was also nice. She stayed by me, assuring me that she was going to stay right there, over and over. The next day, they shipped me back to the prison. Compared to prison, the hospital food was so good, and I can’t even imagine any more what your food tastes like, it’s been so long since I’ve had anything home made.

But, know that I am fine, and the Lord sent good people to take care of me in the surgery. They said that if that episode had happened at the prison, it would not have turned out so well because of now being in seg. It reminded me of mom being in and out of the hospitals so many times, and how she had to suffer all of that alone because I was in here. I knew Jesus had been with her, and also with me, as He has been so many other times in my life. I just never gave the praise to God for getting me out of so many fixes.

Anyway, I got wheeled up to the medical unit here at the prison, and everyone here knew what had happened to me. R is a big man, and a good guard, with common sense. He allowed me to get three pillows for some small comfort, as well as an extra sleeping mat. I couldn’t get a handicap cell, but I did get an ice pack, thank God, for the swelling. They thought the hernia was going to be about and inch long, but it ended up being more than 5. I had let it go too long because we had talked about not letting anyone cut on me here, but I just couldn’t go any longer with it hurting like it did.

My bed is as high as my hip, so it is very hard to manuever, and there are no handles anywhere to help me get up, and the toilet is very low. It hurts real bad, but I am making do. I am getting some pain meds, but they wear out every four hours. I can’t get in the bed, I have to step on top of two lunch trays, and I’m afraid I might fall. Then what?

They will be very slow to come in here, so I must be very careful. I need to sleep, I’ve been up over one day, but there is no way to get rest like this in here.

I’ll be alright. You know me. I sure do miss all of that attention you used to give me, and I’ve always whined when it comes down to pain. I love you, and I’ll be OK….