I was listening to the radio station earlier, and a new Carrie Underwood song came on.
She was singing something about “fishing on the wrong creek, and she wasn’t a catch any of them could catch”. It reminded me of the night we met. I thought to my drunk self, there is NO way she will dance with me, but you did. I kept waiting for someone to come along and take you away. But, even if someone did want to dance with you, you kept clinging to me tighter and tighter. That made me so happy to know that I could attract a woman as beautiful as you.
Then, later, when you were pregnant, and I was running all around and should’ve been treating you better, I made you so mad you said something really ugly to me in retaliation. Do you know it cut me to the core, even as bas as when my dad said I wasn’t his son. I’ve forgiven you for that, but it stays with me still. But, God had a plan and he worked things out between us. I have been so proud to have you as my wife, and our two boys together.
You have encouraged me so much during our lives together, my Proverbs 31 woman. Thank you!
They stopped the pain meds today. I was given one dose at 5:30 a.m., so from November 27 until today. They helped very much to be able to function somewhat normally. I will now be allowed Naproxen twice a day, but have to be careful because it can damage the stomach lining.
It looks so great outside today. Blue skies and a wonderful burst of God given sunshine! God’s creation is so great to experience, even if I have to from afar. I haven’t had outside rec in three weeks. It was cold the other morning when I think they offered it last, but it was about 17 degrees, and they laugh and say how we inmates can’t handle the cold, but I asked one how long he could stand to be outside like that with no real coat, no gloves or hat, and no thermals. How long would any of the guards last? He said he just wouldn’t go outside. I said, Yes, but for us, it’s our only chance to go outside. He just shrugged and said, “I don’t have that problem, do I?” and walked off. It is truly sad to see how much others enjoy watching people around them suffer.
It is harder and harder to stay sane, but I praise God for the ability to suffer this torment. I think that is a big reason I cry so much now. I try to look beyond all of the sadness. God is my light in this heavy place. I have become even weaker than before, but I truly feel that God has to break our earthly spirit to gain control. I finally get that God wants us to come to an understanding of submitting to His will. Then, he can use us to His purpose, which was truly our purpose in the beginning, as well. I finally get it! I still have so much to learn! I’ve wasted many years running.
I think you’re right. I am truly depressed. I keep getting knocked down by the words of others who have no idea what it’s like in here. Yes, it is easy to say that it wouldn’t bother you to be by yourself, but you don’t know until you’ve been through it. Being cold and hungry all the time, with no fresh air for weeks at a time, let alone being near people. You can’t get away from the cold, white walls. I’ve had to let go of this world to submit to God’s plan so it can be worked through me.
The hardest part is to let go of you. My love for you is so strong in me that I don’t want to let you go. But, God needs to come first. I know this, but letting go of you really hurts. this is a two edged sword, cutting my soul and spirit. I know it will make me a better man, but it’s been such a hard road in such a hard time. Every complaint or grievance here falls on deaf ears, no matter how much I try and advocate for myself. God is in control, faith is the only way.
I will trust in God for everything.