I’m starting to feel more value and worth…

1/24/14

They posted here recently that if any inmate is found with extra clothing, he will be subject to disciplinary action.

So my request has gotten some attention along with your past emails.

The heat has also been adjusted now to be more comfortable, I’m not currently freezing.

So, God is moving these people to do more right for us. But, I had to put my extra clothes in the dirty clothes pickup, so as not to get a false ‘charge’, except for my extra sheets. This is yet another form of God getting me to further trust Him for all of my needs. As I’m writing, I’m only in boxers and a t-shirt. That is a first here for the winter. I did take a shower, and I feel fine, even though it is supposed to get down to 5 degrees tonight. Normally the cold would be unbearable.

I received your letter today, and I rejoice in the Lord for all that He has done, using you to help so many of us here through your letters and blog posts. I’ve continued to struggle to work out, and am up to 3 sets of 35 pushups, squats, 75 toe touches, crunches, leg lifts, and some planks. I used to do so much more, but it is a start; even 3 months later, but praise God! The biggest thing is the jump from numbness to sharp pains and back, even below the bend in my leg all the way up to my groin. I’ve written a grievance, but nothing is done. They don’t care…what are you spraying on these letters, it’s driving me crazy! I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. I miss your cooking…I want to hold you so badly…My heart longs for you day and night…why won’t you write me some of your poetry, you are so good at putting your heart into words on the page?

Thank you so much again for the SAT prep black book. It’s so full of wonderful help. Giving me a better understanding keeps me from being so scared. All my life I’ve been scared of taking tests. Mostly because I never could grasp concepts the teachers were teaching. I wasn’t favored by any of my teachers in either middle or high school. I guess I just assumed I didn’t have the brains to be in school. It kept me fearful of further education;  I just worked with my hands. The hands-on learning gave me better understanding of concepts that I’m currently learning. For the first time I’m excited to have this chance to learn, and to start a new chapter in my life. Maybe this will help my children to see the importance of continuing their education if I can be successful.

It’s been two years since I’ve had a piece of chicken…

1/1/14

Lunch today surprised me so much – chicken thigh with the bone in! I haven’t had a real piece of meat in two years! Praise God! We also had apple pie, greens, white rice with gravy and cornbread. The chicken is so great! I saved the leg to eat tonight with my eggs and toast. I saved the apple pie to eat later with my milk.

I can’t believe how much I miss fried chicken, or just real meat…

I pray we go outside tomorrow. I truly need some fresh air, and more space to move around.
In this new room  I only have about 30 or 40 square feet to move around in.

This is for 23 hours a day for five days straight, but as it is too cold for the outside rec with no coats, I am usually in this tiny space for 24 hours for eight to ten days at a time; sometimes longer. I think it has been almost two weeks since it was warm enough to try to go outside.

I’m going to ask for another pair of pants tonight. I’ve had the same pair for two weeks now. They let us change out once a week on Wednesdays, but I don’t want to switch them out until I have to. I was such a proud man and hard on everyone. Yes, your love was always there. Thank God He put you in my life. God has a purpose for all this suffering, Rochelle. We just need to wait patiently for God. This process is all part of God’s plan.

1/2/14
Your visit was so great; I have missed the boys so. They are growing so fast! You looked very happy.
Did I tell you that dad sent me a Christmas card? Everyone in the pictures looked so great. You have been doing such a good job of raising our boys on your own. God has been guiding you well.

1/3/14
I got all the information from the transcripts you requested, and got it ready and sent it on to the lawyer. I also noticed that during the past week, the lights have been staying off in the mornings until 6:00 a.m. with breakfast being served after that. God is so great! Your grievances is being used by God as a way to make change. We have also been served a little more at our meals.

I’ve been reviewing your complaint to CPS, and you’ve covered most everything. You have such a goo memory, there were just a few errors in time, but it’s so hard when we can’t talk on the phone or even face to face, just through glass. I know it is hard to remember things and then run to the car and write them down, or write questions to me on your arm before you come in to visit; and then the visits are only once or twice a month. There’s so much against us, I don’t see how you get anything done.

I’m wrapped up in four sheets and three waffle blankets. If we could have a quilt or cover it would make a big difference. The cement is so cold when it’s cold outside. We still do not have warm air through the vents.

They just threw my grievance back in my cell from the charge on 12/13, saying that they would refund the cost of this med call. But, only one follow up is allowed per fourteen days of a visit. Well, my first sick call was in July, and the others were due to the lack of care post-op.

I got my shower a little while ago and traded for some more coffee. I feel a little warmer, and can try again to write my story to CPS. It is harder to do than I thought it would be, to relive all of the injustice that happened to our family.

Unanswered Grievance to the NC Bar after 2 years, prosecutorial misconduct, wrongful imprisonment

……

Dyson v. United States, 418 A.2d 127, 130 n. 5 (D.C. 1980) (Prosecutor has ethical obligation not to express personal opinion on guilt.) Sherrod v. United States, 478 A.2d 644, 657 n.15 (D.C. 1984) (Error for prosecutor to express “personal belief in appellant’s guilt.”)

Lines 14-17 “And, of course, that’s the crime that occurred when they first moved back to Greensboro to 2021 Rankin Mill Road…and obviously Veronica testified to you that there were-began about a month or so after they –they moved back. Lines 25-26, “He’s the one who’s (sic) creating the situation where there’s so many times that he’s done that that she-she can’t tell you exactly how many times…But that’s no fault of hers. That is something that the defendant’s created.

-vouching for the credibility of witnesses or offering a personal opinion about the evidence U.S. Constitution amend. VI (“In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right…to be confronted with the witnesses against him…”) Finch v. United States, 867 A. 2.d 222, 227 (D.C. 2005) (Improper for prosecutor to express evident opinion that government witness’ testimony had been “incredibly straightforward.”) p. 556, lines 13-15 So, intercourse occurred during that time is first-degree rape of a child under the age of thirteen years. p.557, Lines2-4  All indications. In any event, clearly that is sexual intercourse within the definition. Over and over, he assumes guilt to a jury that has not deliberated. Lines 7-10 And obviously prior to –since this is between February 1st of 2008 and August the 1st of 2008 she was twelve years old during that time period. So she was under the age of thirteen. Lines20-21 I contend that the evidence you heard more than proves that. p. 558 contorting the truth and what defendant said to make it look like something else was said lines 6-13, Second, that the person with whom the defendant had vaginal intercourse was the defendant’s child. It was uncontroverted, the defendant said it himself, that she’s his daughter. So, you can take that as proven. (Nothing was proven other than common public knowledge – defendant knows that Veronica is his daughter.)

Lines 15-25 do nothing but further confuse the ‘evidence’. Line 24 states “There’s no doubt of that being proven.” But what was proven through all of that? Just when her birthdays were and that I am her father. He continues on in that vein of discussion for two more pages. Nothing is proven. p.560, lines, 16-17 “and again, I would contend that the evidence more than adequately proves that occurred. Washington v. United States, 397 A.2d 946, 951 (D.C. 1979) (Misconduct for prosecutor to argue, “I believe [witness’] testimony”) p.562, 11-13 “And this evidence proves, I contend, that he has committed that particular act, he’s guilty of that particular act.” Hyman v. United States, 342 A.2d 43,45 (D.C. 1975) (“[A] prosecutor may not express his opinion of the veracity of a witness…since such remarks amount to unsworn testimony and as such are impermissible”) – alludes to the 6th amend. Right to enjoy the right to be confronted with the witnesses against him…”) p.563 lines 1-3 “And so therefore we can take that element as well as having been proven”. What, that I wasn’t married to her? That isn’t even a question. p. 563 Lines 19-22, “So, I could have charged many more counts based on the number of times that she described, but we didn’t know the exact number of times.” Daye v. United States, 733 A.2d 321, 328 n.6 (DC 1999) (Improper for prosecutor to argue that “[i]f we had other evidence that [government witness] committed this murder, we would have prosecuted him for that.”) p.565 Lines 14-16,”… which I contend, both of those I contend are proven to you by the evidence you heard.” p.567 lines 4-6 I contend to you that this evidence more than amply proves each and every element of each – of each of these charges beyond a reasonable doubt.”

…continued…

Sometimes I just need a Hand

Dear Chicano,

Oct. 6 , 2013

I have done so much work over the past three years to grieve, and heal.

Eph. 4: “26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

I’ve asked for guidance in dealing with all of the trauma, anger and pain of my life,

which your children and ex-wife forced to the surface, like a geyser; nothing can stop it when the pressure builds, it has to push to the surface.

I loved your children so, but my desire to help was misguided, being young and full of enthusiasm – I thought I could change the world.

However, God was putting obstacles in my life to change me.

I wish people who suffer, hurt, and are riddled with anger could see what their bodies’ energy looks like to those who understand it.

Placing blame, hating others for what is within ourselves, misguided righteous anger, being judgemental, living in fear instead of love – these are things that steal our soul. Ephesians 4 is such a wealth for those with an angry heart, and I’ve come to see the deep value of looking to the bible for answers.

As someone who was raised in a fundamentalist, unforgiving and harsh church, I’ve had to deal with a great deal of anger with the church, and “church people”.

I walk daily with God, in personal experience, meditation, and in my thinking – about ten hours a day. I understand Creator as an Essence that is both part of us, as well as above us, beyond comprehension. I love that idea that we are but grains of sand, yet together we make up something larger, like a beautiful beach. I am quite at peace knowing that I don’t have to ‘figure it out’, that I can have faith, and trust, and all my needs will be met for my highest good.

People with whom I share our story, especially therapists, are amazed. No one seems to understand how we have ‘accepted’ the injustice, why one of us hasn’t committed suicide, how I function as well as I do.

We haven’t ‘accepted’ the wrongness of the incident that tore our family apart.

We have accepted that our suffering is about bringing an awareness to others who will read, listen and work to make change.

Our children were victims that stemmed from abuse by people who were victims. Those victims who became perpetrators because they were raised in a family where there were no morals or group consciousness. There was no one there who was ‘AWARE’, or who could make a difference.

That is why it is so important to those who would call themselves Christians to act like one. And, to do  that, one must read about the travels of Christ, study His behavior, and model it, daily, not just when the preacher is around, or if it benefits one to do so.

When we hold on to anger, refusing to look at the incident, not  forgiving OURSELVES, and then the other(s) involved, that wound festers and infects other healthy parts of our life. When we treat a wound, do we only disinfect the obvious place, the open spot on the body? Well, that depends on how much knowledge one has of wounds. The wounds that heal and leave the smallest scars occur when the one who treats the wound also treats him/herself, by making sure the instruments are disinfected, as well as the ‘doctor’s’ hands.

This is not about religion, it is about truth.

Many times, when something bad or traumatic happens, we subconsciously blame ourselves, tearing ourselves up over and over…”if only I’d been there…if only I’d paid more attention…if only I were a stricter parent…” This solves nothing. Then we start to blame others, letting anger build and eventually take over our digestive organs. The gall bladder/liver is the first place that gets attacked, making it harder to digest not only what we eat, but the events of our life. The entire digestive tract suffers, and eventually leads to cancer. We blame others, but never deal with what’s inside ourselves, we refuse to “get the plank out of our own eyes,” Matt. 7:5.

This is my last barrier to wholeness, dear, and I work daily at getting that plank out, forgiving everyone involved, as well as learning not to hate myself. I feel I failed at protecting not only our two children from your other children, but also because I couldn’t protect the other children from their perpetrators – their own mother and her boyfriend. When they were given back to her, leaving a trail of lies, corruption and trauma, I always felt like a failure. I couldn’t find a way to save all seven children involved from a loveless mother who had no love for herself, much less her offspring, who then damaged my little ones.

I must breathe deep and accept that there is Something bigger than myself at work here, that our story will be told, and people will be helped. Others need to step past their own personal shame and find healing in the grieving of loss and hurt. Others will start talking, sharing, speaking out for those who have no voice, the children inside themselves.

Just because I have been wounded does not mean I am not strong…sometimes I just need a hand…

I love you, and do my best to take your advice.

Perhaps I will take the boys to church today…we’ll see…I love you.