It is good to see the sun, even if it is too cold here to feel it

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1/6/14
It has been a difficult day; so cold that I had to wear 3 pairs of socks, 3 each of shirt jackets and undershirts, and 1 pr of pants.

It’s going to perhaps even get to 0 degrees F tonight. I have written grievances to the Sgt, Unit Manager, the Cpt. and to the assistant superintendent. It is a request for a work order for the heat to be fixed. I know nothing will be done, but it does give you a path when writing an injunction against the treatment in isolation.

I have been working on my letter to CPS and I’ve gone through 100 sheets of paper trying to hand write this grievance, but I can’t get it right. I only have two sheets of paper left now, and one has a stain on it.

I’m so hungry. I think from being so cold that my body has used all of its resources to stay warm. I haven’t had any coffee today, either. It’s pretty bad. I’m having a lot of back pain too, and had to take some naproxen for it. Does your back hurt lately? I am so tuned in to you still that I can feel your different body aches and pains.

1/8/14

I saw the psychologist lady again today; she is no help whatsoever. All she asks is, “How can I help you?”, and then she interrupts you before you finish, and she interrupts saying she can’t do that. I told her again that I wanted a psychological eval and she says that there isn’t any evidence to suggest that I need one. Her response is, ” You should have stayed out of trouble so you wouldn’t be put in isolation,” as if she could stand the heat from being locked in a cell with no moving air in August. It’s no wonder the people go crazy – there is no rationale in a place like this. The lack of compassion by those who work here is alarming, as we are seen than less than human. She ended the ‘visit’ saying that if I needed her to let her know. Wow; as if she has done anything so far.   I told her that I would have to get my wife to call Raleigh to get any help, and she answered, “You just do that”.  Such is the attitude here in general.

The nurse came by to have me sign for a new diet that  I asked for, which should include wheat bread, and more fruit instead of all of the straight starch we are forced to eat now. There may actually be some ‘real’ meat.

It is nice to see the sun on the wall, at least, even if it is too cold to warm my room.  I am doing my best to surrender to the fact that God is in control, and it’s been so hard to let go of that need to fix things on my own. I try to be content and not look to man to meet my needs. The lessons are becoming easier to understand, but I must still the drive to want more.

I will be strictly monitored on this new diet that took several months of requesting to get on; my canteen – once I can order from it again, my weight will be checked each month and if I gain any weight I will be taken off of it, as well. It is not practical but I will try to earn this better grade of food.

The lights have been staying on past 11 or even 11:30 p.m., but 10 p.m. is the policy, even though they have the lame excuse that the lights are on so the men can shave, some times until 12 a.m.? We didn’t even get showers tonight, when there’s no reason not to, other than they don’t follow their own policies, yet expect us to. The Sgt. says there’s no policy in seg about turning off the lights, as long as the guards are working on things for the men. I find this very hard to believe.

I waited until 2 a.m. for grievance forms about this, but none came, so I finally laid down. I know I need to stand up for these things as long as it isn’t about pride, as I want to do things for God’s glory. When we delay obedience to God, by doing things on my own, it makes it more difficult to receive further instructions. The more our faith grows the easier it becomes to wait on God’s timing.

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Sometimes I just need a Hand

Dear Chicano,

Oct. 6 , 2013

I have done so much work over the past three years to grieve, and heal.

hope, faith, love, relationships, men, women, love, hope, injustice

Eph. 4: “26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

I’ve asked for guidance in dealing with all of the trauma, anger and pain of my life,

which your children and ex-wife forced to the surface, like a geyser; nothing can stop it when the pressure builds, it has to push to the surface.

I loved your children so, but my desire to help was misguided, being young and full of enthusiasm – I thought I could change the world.

However, God was putting obstacles in my life to change me.

I wish people who suffer, hurt, and are riddled with anger could see what their bodies’ energy looks like to those who understand it.

Placing blame, hating others for what is within ourselves, misguided righteous anger, being judgemental, living in fear instead of love – these are things that steal our soul. Ephesians 4 is such a wealth for those with an angry heart, and I’ve come to see the deep value of looking to the bible for answers.

As someone who was raised in a fundamentalist, unforgiving and harsh church, I’ve had to deal with a great deal of anger with the church, and “church people”.

I walk daily with God, in personal experience, meditation, and in my thinking – about ten hours a day. I understand Creator as an Essence that is both part of us, as well as above us, beyond comprehension. I love that idea that we are but grains of sand, yet together we make up something larger, like a beautiful beach. I am quite at peace knowing that I don’t have to ‘figure it out’, that I can have faith, and trust, and all my needs will be met for my highest good.

People with whom I share our story, especially therapists, are amazed. No one seems to understand how we have ‘accepted’ the injustice, why one of us hasn’t committed suicide, how I function as well as I do.

We haven’t ‘accepted’ the wrongness of the incident that tore our family apart.

We have accepted that our suffering is about bringing an awareness to others who will read, listen and work to make change.

Our children were victims that stemmed from abuse by people who were victims. Those victims who became perpetrators because they were raised in a family where there were no morals or group consciousness. There was no one there who was ‘AWARE’, or who could make a difference.

That is why it is so important to those who would call themselves Christians to act like one. And, to do  that, one must read about the travels of Christ, study His behavior, and model it, daily, not just when the preacher is around, or if it benefits one to do so.

When we hold on to anger, refusing to look at the incident, not  forgiving OURSELVES, and then the other(s) involved, that wound festers and infects other healthy parts of our life. When we treat a wound, do we only disinfect the obvious place, the open spot on the body? Well, that depends on how much knowledge one has of wounds. The wounds that heal and leave the smallest scars occur when the one who treats the wound also treats him/herself, by making sure the instruments are disinfected, as well as the ‘doctor’s’ hands.

This is not about religion, it is about truth.

Many times, when something bad or traumatic happens, we subconsciously blame ourselves, tearing ourselves up over and over…”if only I’d been there…if only I’d paid more attention…if only I were a stricter parent…” This solves nothing. Then we start to blame others, letting anger build and eventually take over our digestive organs. The gall bladder/liver is the first place that gets attacked, making it harder to digest not only what we eat, but the events of our life. The entire digestive tract suffers, and eventually leads to cancer. We blame others, but never deal with what’s inside ourselves, we refuse to “get the plank out of our own eyes,” Matt. 7:5.

This is my last barrier to wholeness, dear, and I work daily at getting that plank out, forgiving everyone involved, as well as learning not to hate myself. I feel I failed at protecting not only our two children from your other children, but also because I couldn’t protect the other children from their perpetrators – their own mother and her boyfriend. When they were given back to her, leaving a trail of lies, corruption and trauma, I always felt like a failure. I couldn’t find a way to save all seven children involved from a loveless mother who had no love for herself, much less her offspring, who then damaged my little ones.

I must breathe deep and accept that there is Something bigger than myself at work here, that our story will be told, and people will be helped. Others need to step past their own personal shame and find healing in the grieving of loss and hurt. Others will start talking, sharing, speaking out for those who have no voice, the children inside themselves.

faith, God, hope, love,

Just because I have been wounded does not mean I am not strong…sometimes I just need a hand…

I love you, and do my best to take your advice.

Perhaps I will take the boys to church today…we’ll see…I love you.