Oct. 6 , 2013
I have done so much work over the past three years to grieve, and heal.
I’ve asked for guidance in dealing with all of the trauma, anger and pain of my life,
which your children and ex-wife forced to the surface, like a geyser; nothing can stop it when the pressure builds, it has to push to the surface.
I loved your children so, but my desire to help was misguided, being young and full of enthusiasm – I thought I could change the world.
However, God was putting obstacles in my life to change me.
I wish people who suffer, hurt, and are riddled with anger could see what their bodies’ energy looks like to those who understand it.
Placing blame, hating others for what is within ourselves, misguided righteous anger, being judgemental, living in fear instead of love – these are things that steal our soul. Ephesians 4 is such a wealth for those with an angry heart, and I’ve come to see the deep value of looking to the bible for answers.
As someone who was raised in a fundamentalist, unforgiving and harsh church, I’ve had to deal with a great deal of anger with the church, and “church people”.
I walk daily with God, in personal experience, meditation, and in my thinking – about ten hours a day. I understand Creator as an Essence that is both part of us, as well as above us, beyond comprehension. I love that idea that we are but grains of sand, yet together we make up something larger, like a beautiful beach. I am quite at peace knowing that I don’t have to ‘figure it out’, that I can have faith, and trust, and all my needs will be met for my highest good.
People with whom I share our story, especially therapists, are amazed. No one seems to understand how we have ‘accepted’ the injustice, why one of us hasn’t committed suicide, how I function as well as I do.
We haven’t ‘accepted’ the wrongness of the incident that tore our family apart.
We have accepted that our suffering is about bringing an awareness to others who will read, listen and work to make change.
Our children were victims that stemmed from abuse by people who were victims. Those victims who became perpetrators because they were raised in a family where there were no morals or group consciousness. There was no one there who was ‘AWARE’, or who could make a difference.
That is why it is so important to those who would call themselves Christians to act like one. And, to do that, one must read about the travels of Christ, study His behavior, and model it, daily, not just when the preacher is around, or if it benefits one to do so.
When we hold on to anger, refusing to look at the incident, not forgiving OURSELVES, and then the other(s) involved, that wound festers and infects other healthy parts of our life. When we treat a wound, do we only disinfect the obvious place, the open spot on the body? Well, that depends on how much knowledge one has of wounds. The wounds that heal and leave the smallest scars occur when the one who treats the wound also treats him/herself, by making sure the instruments are disinfected, as well as the ‘doctor’s’ hands.
This is not about religion, it is about truth.
Many times, when something bad or traumatic happens, we subconsciously blame ourselves, tearing ourselves up over and over…”if only I’d been there…if only I’d paid more attention…if only I were a stricter parent…” This solves nothing. Then we start to blame others, letting anger build and eventually take over our digestive organs. The gall bladder/liver is the first place that gets attacked, making it harder to digest not only what we eat, but the events of our life. The entire digestive tract suffers, and eventually leads to cancer. We blame others, but never deal with what’s inside ourselves, we refuse to “get the plank out of our own eyes,” Matt. 7:5.
This is my last barrier to wholeness, dear, and I work daily at getting that plank out, forgiving everyone involved, as well as learning not to hate myself. I feel I failed at protecting not only our two children from your other children, but also because I couldn’t protect the other children from their perpetrators – their own mother and her boyfriend. When they were given back to her, leaving a trail of lies, corruption and trauma, I always felt like a failure. I couldn’t find a way to save all seven children involved from a loveless mother who had no love for herself, much less her offspring, who then damaged my little ones.
I must breathe deep and accept that there is Something bigger than myself at work here, that our story will be told, and people will be helped. Others need to step past their own personal shame and find healing in the grieving of loss and hurt. Others will start talking, sharing, speaking out for those who have no voice, the children inside themselves.
I love you, and do my best to take your advice.
Perhaps I will take the boys to church today…we’ll see…I love you.