It is good to see the sun, even if it is too cold here to feel it

Federal%20prison%20cell%20Vick

1/6/14
It has been a difficult day; so cold that I had to wear 3 pairs of socks, 3 each of shirt jackets and undershirts, and 1 pr of pants.

It’s going to perhaps even get to 0 degrees F tonight. I have written grievances to the Sgt, Unit Manager, the Cpt. and to the assistant superintendent. It is a request for a work order for the heat to be fixed. I know nothing will be done, but it does give you a path when writing an injunction against the treatment in isolation.

I have been working on my letter to CPS and I’ve gone through 100 sheets of paper trying to hand write this grievance, but I can’t get it right. I only have two sheets of paper left now, and one has a stain on it.

I’m so hungry. I think from being so cold that my body has used all of its resources to stay warm. I haven’t had any coffee today, either. It’s pretty bad. I’m having a lot of back pain too, and had to take some naproxen for it. Does your back hurt lately? I am so tuned in to you still that I can feel your different body aches and pains.

1/8/14

I saw the psychologist lady again today; she is no help whatsoever. All she asks is, “How can I help you?”, and then she interrupts you before you finish, and she interrupts saying she can’t do that. I told her again that I wanted a psychological eval and she says that there isn’t any evidence to suggest that I need one. Her response is, ” You should have stayed out of trouble so you wouldn’t be put in isolation,” as if she could stand the heat from being locked in a cell with no moving air in August. It’s no wonder the people go crazy – there is no rationale in a place like this. The lack of compassion by those who work here is alarming, as we are seen than less than human. She ended the ‘visit’ saying that if I needed her to let her know. Wow; as if she has done anything so far.   I told her that I would have to get my wife to call Raleigh to get any help, and she answered, “You just do that”.  Such is the attitude here in general.

The nurse came by to have me sign for a new diet that  I asked for, which should include wheat bread, and more fruit instead of all of the straight starch we are forced to eat now. There may actually be some ‘real’ meat.

It is nice to see the sun on the wall, at least, even if it is too cold to warm my room.  I am doing my best to surrender to the fact that God is in control, and it’s been so hard to let go of that need to fix things on my own. I try to be content and not look to man to meet my needs. The lessons are becoming easier to understand, but I must still the drive to want more.

I will be strictly monitored on this new diet that took several months of requesting to get on; my canteen – once I can order from it again, my weight will be checked each month and if I gain any weight I will be taken off of it, as well. It is not practical but I will try to earn this better grade of food.

The lights have been staying on past 11 or even 11:30 p.m., but 10 p.m. is the policy, even though they have the lame excuse that the lights are on so the men can shave, some times until 12 a.m.? We didn’t even get showers tonight, when there’s no reason not to, other than they don’t follow their own policies, yet expect us to. The Sgt. says there’s no policy in seg about turning off the lights, as long as the guards are working on things for the men. I find this very hard to believe.

I waited until 2 a.m. for grievance forms about this, but none came, so I finally laid down. I know I need to stand up for these things as long as it isn’t about pride, as I want to do things for God’s glory. When we delay obedience to God, by doing things on my own, it makes it more difficult to receive further instructions. The more our faith grows the easier it becomes to wait on God’s timing.

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I don’t know how long I’ll be away…

10/8/13

Dear Shel,

I haven’t been writing much as I’m working to clear my mind from

spirituality, faith, God, hope, solitary

Palden Gyatso was born in a Tibetan village in 1933 and became an ordained Buddhist monk at 18…and spent the next 25 years of his life enduring interrogation and torture simply for the strength of his beliefs.

all of the worry surounding my impending ICON, which is worse than the segregationwhere I am currently. I’ve never had a write up before, so now they want to observe mefor 90 days.There have been many put here lately, given ‘A’ charges, and they don’t even know why they received it. The CO came to tell me that they’ve decided to let Raleigh decide about my ICON time at some point next week. They did this so they would’nt be responsible, and can also add on additional time to my punishment. So, I will go before the Directors’ Board and possibly get a harsher punishment. God is in control, so I do my best not to worry.

I have A’s pictures that he used to draw. I have also held onto the the three letters N wrote while he was in the behavorial ‘prison’. I keep them in my bible now that they are almost falling apart.

I got your book today. I’ve already read two chapters, and have cried three times, and he hasn’t even talked about being in prison yet. His family was so loving and supportive. I find it very interesting.

10-9-13

Your visit was wonderful. You need not to worry so much about me. God is with me. Even though the cuffs hurt, it was worth it to see your pretty face. Your standing up for me helps so much, also. I hope things we were able to talk about will help you through out the next week. Just as yours help me.

Getting the local newspaper has helped so much. I get them around 2 pm, so I read

for a little while, then I exercise. I can’t thank you enough.

10/12/13

This is such a great book. I thank God for the blessings I had ignored, thinking we had just a common, boring life. I live as  a king compared to how these people in Tibet were persecuted. It is sad to read how people were tortured and destroyed, when life is so invaluable. I have been complaining about such petty things. The book has also opened my eyes to what is happening in this prison; that, even though it is a miserable and sad fate, it is nothing compared to what is happening in other countries. I do see, however, that our country is heading down the same path. The American way of life is corroding right in front of our eyes. I stayed up until 11:30 the other night, standing in my doorway to catch some of the main room’s light, just so I could keep reading into Chapter 7. Our lights get cut out at 10, but I didn’t want to stop. I am now on Chapter 10, and it flows so well that it is hard to put down.

I’ve never read a book this easily before. I usually bet bored and start nodding off, but not with this book.

It’s funny, because it cost you more to send the book than it did to buy the book, itself.

10-13-13

I finished the book this morning. thanks for such a great book. It was something that I needed so I could understand my suffering better, and to see that it could be worse. If the monks and other innocent people can endure all of that horrible stuff, then my time should be a stroll in the park. I do see how our treatment here involves some of the same tactics, but not quite as extreme.

I signed the form to go to surgery yesterday, so I should go by Wed or before. I don’t know how long I’ll be away, but it shouldn’t be long. I was 28 when I had the first hernia surgery. Damn, that seems so long ago, now doesn’t it? To be honest, I don’t feel that old. Having lost so much fat now, I feel much better than in years past. I actually feel younger than 28 now.

It’s 3 pm now, and they told me not to eat or drink anything after 12 am because of a procedure. So, I’ll get this out today so you will know. Don’t worry, I’ll be just fine. Know that I love you very much. Not sure if they are going to keep me long, maybe a few days? I won’t be able to get up or get my food the first few days. I remember how hard it was before to move and get up. Jesus is by my side now, and I feel protected, and I feel you near me, too!

I love you and the boys very much…

150,000. Children.

It’s good that you cry for us, Margaret. I had to stop crying when I was eight. I’ve forgotten how…Len in Oranges and Sunshine, 2010

10-14/13 11 p.m.                childalone

Dear Chicano,

I need to hear your voice.

Who am I kidding…I need you here, with me, catching tears as  I cry.

Once started, I can’t stop.

I’ve held it in so long, lest I end up deflated, an empty balloon discarded.

I couldn’t write today, or work. There is such a heavy sadness,

I lie in bed and flipped the channels tonight, very rare for me; found a movie that had just started, and couldn’t believe

what unfolded.

A social worker from England, Margaret Humpreys, becomes involved, by chance, with a grown victim from a mind blowing atrocity that was hidden from the world for decades. Almost single-handedly, she begins a quest to help children deported from shelters in England to the horrors of primitive, unbearable cruelty in the wilds of Australia, and other far reaches of the world. Margaret was so touched by the first woman’s story that she flew to Australia with her own money, to begin research that would span over twenty three years, amidst death threats, being separated by her own children researching in Australia, and becoming emotionally weakened by the experiences of the children she researched.

No one was talking about it; the deportation of shelter children away from family, country because it was cheaper to send them away than to give them proper care. The mothers were told that the children had been adopted by loving families;the children were told  their parents were dead, and that they were going to a special place where they would” pick oranges off of the trees for breakfast, ride horses to school, and the sun would shine every day”. Instead, all of their belongings were taken away, and they were forced into slave labor, torture, abuse, and then forced to “pay back” their “debt” for being “taken care of” by Roman Catholic brothers.

Chicano, some of these children were 4 years old!

The unfolding of the stories of these men who were the main focus, some fifty years old at that point, were so touching, and the relationship of friendship and trust that developed between Margaret and the men, as well as the families when reunited, was heart wrenching.

I just cried off and on during different parts; it was like a part of me rent open, a dam sealed off too long. One man made it clear that he had paid back the ‘home’ for his tools, food and such, he “didn’t owe a thing to anyone”, as the money he earned through slave labor paid  for a swimming pool to be put behind the facility they had been forced to build.  Every one of them put into servitude until their ‘debt’ was paid back to these charities.

It seems to me that it created a large overflow of revenue for the government, as well as the many charities that were involved, CHARITIES, because there was no real care involved, even the children cooked for the other children (maybe worse than prison food, in that case); how they built a gorgeous facility hand by hand, with little food or water; beat with large clubs or tractor belts, chased down on horseback if they tried to escape. And then, the sexual trauma…

150,000. Children. Children, from 1947 to the 70’s, our time, endured these horrors. How did it go on for so long? If it hadn’t been for Margaret’s love and open heart, this probably never would have surfaced.

I think God led me to this place tonight, because I have been praying for relief, asking about purpose; how I, one person, can make a difference in the unjust atrocity that has become our life, the secret life of so many people here in America, and all over the world, this sin of silence.

When we sit close-mouthed in the midst of injustice, we, by default, condone.

Pray that I will find my voice.

I love you…

Hear that, God?

Dear Chicano,

10-7-2013

I am going to finish writing your letter today while I watch your older son’s last game of the season. Yes, he took your advice, and he made the defensive coach so excited that he put A in almost the entire game. He was dragging two boys at a time to get across the line! I took some pictures, and I will send them, as well, not just of that, but of some of my food, as you’ve been asking.

It makes me feel bad to send you pictures, as you don’t get to eat like this right now, but I just tell myself that you’ve been wanting to lose that last twenty pounds, and you couldn’t do that here!

I can’t wait to cook for you again, all your favorite things, like chicken and dumplings and fresh pinto beans with a piece of that good old timey salted ham sliced in them.

Some of your favorite food.

Some of your favorite food.

You have always been a sucker for bread, so I’d always put extra dumplings in the pot, just for you and the boys. Remember how you used to help me once I made the dough and rolled that long, thin sheet across the counter? Sometimes it would take up half the length! There’d be flour dust all over, and crumbs on the floor, but you didn’t care…I let you cut the dumplings into all as many little squares as you wanted, even if I had to stir extra long, and keep adding milk and broth because your dough always soaked up the soupy goodness. You’d have little sticky particles in your brows or goatee’, and I would grab you around the neck and lick your forehead, biting your eye brows for fun. I miss irritating you like that.

Your baby son is still blaring away at his trumpet, and being his usual instigating self, but I’m getting better at taking a deep breath and walking away. I understand now that when he is hurting, he has to give someone else pain to lessen his own. He had a meltdown yesterday, and cried, talking about some of his sadness and frustration over all that is our life.

I asked him finally what he wanted for Christmas if he could only have one thing, working to change the subject,

Isaiah 41:17 "The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them". (KJV)

Isaiah 41:17
“The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them”. (KJV)

and ease his heart a little. I thought he might want a special DS game, or something for the XBox,

and I know I have to lay it away soon, if so.

“I want daddy to come home,” was all he said.

You hear that, God?

Will you remember your promise?

The need for human touch is so great

9/21/13

Dear Shel,

I miss going outside.

They let us go outside today, but it was windy, and cold.

There were only six of us that went outside, because they won’t tell us on our ‘break’

 

Nakhal Fort

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. 2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken…(Psalms 62:vs.1,2)”

if we are going outside or not, so most stay inside. But, if all the guys would say ‘yes’,  they’d have to take us outside because of our numbers.I really wish I could touch you. It seems to be what I miss most, I guess, as I never could keep my hands off of you!

Please read Psalms 62: 1-8. It is a great and wonderful Psalm, and you will feel its power.

I’ve been listening to a lot of preaching lately, as they haven’t taken my radio yet.

God is good!

I would really liketo see you get back into going to church, you and the boys could use it.

I miss going; even here, I had gotten away from the true meaning of it because of my hardened heart.

I didn’t even realize it! I see now that God needed to sit me down to talk to me like a small child.

We are going through troubling times, and we need to wait in silence for God.

We always want to run to a crowd, as the noise drowns out His Voice.

I don’t feel alone any more. I feel God with me, but the need for human touch is so great.

I think my inner child needs the comfort of your mothering love more now than ever.

I pulled away from you so many times. I hope you forgive me for that.

Please tell the boys that I’m asking for forgiveness from them, as well.

I was very mean, at times, and overbearing, selfish, and hurtful. I want them to heal.

The same for you. If you need to say anything to me, do so that you might heal.

I see it now, that I treated you the same way.

Please forgive me.

Yours, Chicano

I miss coming home, even if you did yell about the kids

September 17, 2013

Dear Shel,

I’ve been waiting on mail from anyone and haven’t gotten any yet. Tomorrow is mom’s birthday, and she would be 60. I don’t know why I’m writing this to you or why I’m writing at all. They came today and are charging me with an A-02 and a C-03. So, I disobeyed a direct order, but they didn’t explain what the A was for. I guess I will lose all of my privileges. I won’t find out what I’ll be given for punishment yet until lost love, prison, hope, inspiration I go before the DHO. I’ve worried myself so much that I think now all of my hair is grey, as well as some of my beard. We have no rights to defend ourselves from an administration that wants to show its force constantly. That is what is really going on.

9-18

Well, I went before the DHO today and pled not guilty of ensuing a riot. And they found me guilty, anyway. so, they gave me 60 days of seg, 50 hours of extra duty, and suspended for 180 days my – phone, canteen and radio privileges with 6 months of limited canteen draw. And I was told I could appeal my offense to the Director of Div. Adult Correction, George T. Solomon in Raleigh, NC.

I don’t know if this is even worth trying, because the system only works against inmates. So, I guess I just need to do this stint and keep even more to myself than before. They just needed to make examples of us to the other inmates. You know, it’s funny, because I told them, that as inmates we don’t have rights. A person can leave their dog in the car on a warm day and get in more trouble than the C.O.’s who who leave us locked down with no air conditioning, locked down for 2 1.2 hours at at time.

Well, they came and got me for a visit today, and I was handcuffed with a block chained around my waist, and then ankle cuffs. They don’t even wait to see if the visitor is there, they just bring you up for ten minutes and you wait. After that, you’re sent back. I guess that was you, and you weren’t able to come. I hope you didn’t get here late, as that have really made you mad.

I got a letter from the lawyer, so that’s good. I got your mail but no copies of what was happening at the other prison.

You know the prisoners have cause so many problems for themselves. They used to have more freedom, but some people messed that up. We haven’t even been outside since I told you about last week. A week!

We need people to complain about the prison here, how it is run, and to call Raleigh. The more complaints, the more pressure it puts on them. You and others need to tell higher ups about how you are treated when you come to visit. The guards even get harassed when they are at work, and aren’t given time off for doctor visits or other time off. That is why so many guards have quit.

You still need to look to God for guidance in teaching the children and to give you Hope. He’s waiting for you to surrender yourself and let Him take the wheel in trusting His ways. Help the children to better understand His ways. Stop running from Him and look towards Him.

I love you and miss you so much. I love to read your letters no matter what is in them. I miss coming home and you would start yelling and would be all frazzled at the kids and your nose would wrinkle up and you would grit your teeth. And, I would have to grab you and hold you, and calm you down, and then I would take the kids. I miss the way you wouldn’t have on a bra sometimes from being home all day, and when I pushed you up against me I could feel your breasts against my chest.

I miss it all. I love you and the boys.

Chicano

Throwing people away is an epidemic

Dear Chicano,

I want to send you this information, but I know you won’t be allowed to read it. As I don’t want to forget to tell you about it, I am posting it here,

From a wordpress site, Solitarywatch.com

here is a reply I made on your behalf, after reading parts of an atrocious account of one inmate who was violent, yes, but has been kept in isolation for over 10,000 days. I am beginning to  see the potential purpose of your own  situation, and why we have to suffer, yet keep fighting.

Your comment is awaiting moderation.

@8forever, is this your blog? I am looking for whomever is ‘in charge’ of this movement. There is so much hatred, confusion, misinformation, closed hearts, and lack of overall knowledge from many of the commentators here that it makes me just wish to give up hope of ever getting out.
However, I refuse to give up.
As an innocent man, incarcerated on false charges with no evidence, racially profiled, not even allowed a forensic expert to testify on my behalf, a jury that was harassed into 13 unanimous charges of guilty or told they couldn’t go home, threatening to throw my wife in jail if she testified because she had all of the records of years of therapy for my kids from a previous marriage and had kept records over a decade of all the things my ex-wife subjected my kids to,
I want to know WHO do we ask for help? I see anger and name calling, etc. but how do make a difference? I mean, for everybody?
We look and look, and these horrible stories fall on deaf ears for change!
Someone says write to BOP, so what can we say that will bring reform?
Someone says call the Judge Brimmer’s office.and do what?

I am soon to be locked up in ICON now because me and some guys were burning up in a unit where the a-c went out. I didn’t murder anyone. We dared to complain that we could barely breathe after several days with no moving air.

The bottom line here is that this is America. All of us in these prisons are American. We should be allowed constitutional rights, among which is to be heard by an objective peer group. There is no oversight committee in the prisons. No one is allowed inside to see anyone’s conditions. That is why there is no reform; the government does not want reform.

If there were some way to get together with all of the people on this extensive site who wanted true justice, the word could get out, people would outcry, and change could be made, for the good of all people involved. How many white men out there ever have a jury that is ALL none white? Hhmmm, yet how many hispanics even get one hispanic on their jury? I didn’t even know I had the right to ask for some Hispanics to be on the panel!!! And I was born and raised in America.

Can someone tell me , please, who does my wife contact, write to, complain to on behalf of me and the other men in NC? Is it someone on a federal level? And, how do create a grass roots movement for liberty and justice for all?
Thanks.

t. I will post our story everywhere I can, in the hopes that I can luck up and learn how to make a difference for all injustice issues in the prison.