We will be provided for, in His time

10/21/13

faith, God, hope


Ecclesiastes 3
(KJV) 3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up…”

Well, they finally gave me ICON, so I’ll be in here another five months.

I will come up for a review in February; that’s when they can give me close ops for another

90 days or longer, if they FEEL it’s warranted. They are just hoping that by the time they let us out that everyone else outside will have forgotten about what really happened.

Your letter smells so good…yes, we do sometimes get to watch movies in regular population, but it is way after it comes out, like when it comes out on the FX channel, which is easily a year or two after it is released.

It’s just like you said, “God is holding us close to Him to allow us to feel His love, apart from each other, so we can grieve in our own ways.” I just ask that you pray before making decisions and let Him guide you through it. The more you allow Him to do so, the more He will be evident in your life. Have hope that this life is a way for you to gain understanding that all things aren’t as they might originally seem. He wants us to grow as believers so He can use us to help others come to God’s kingdom.

I love you so much, and want to be there with you, but we must wait for God’s time to be right. We can’t question Him. We need to stay obeident and trust in God. I cry when I read through your letters and know it will get better in God’s timing, not mine.

I sent you a letter on Sunday for Monday morning, and I will get this out tomorrow. It just takes me a while to have enough together to write. You know how boring it is in here. I’m only getting your letters once a week or so, so I wait for you to give me things to say…I know it would help if we could talk over the phone. We will just have to wait the 180 days to be free of the glass, and the silence.

I’m so hungry. At least I have a peanut better sandwich to eat. The pics of your cooking from your letters look so great. I miss them…I was given a veggie tray yesterday, and it had two biscuits inside. They were so good. I got two porkchops while in the hospital, and they were great, but now I’m back to my vegan diet.

The football game tonight will be on the radio, if I can just get it to come in…reception sucks in here, but sometimes the am stations work. It’s the Vikings against the Ny Giants. The Vikings lost to Carolina last week, so both these teams need a win badly. the Panthers play again on Thursday night, but it should come in better on the fm station. (Your letter smells so good it is radiating all over my room.)

Don’t worry so much about me, I’ll be fine. I know you love me and yes it does make me feel good to know and hear. I know that God is with me and you, and what we need will be provided for in His time….

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Looking back, we were so funny together

10-20-13

Good morning,

I hope breakfast was good. I had rice cereal again, for the fourth day. And, oatmeal, but without

any sugar. Can’t make myself eat it. It brings back memories of how you used to get up with me at 3:30am,

even though you’d be tired and grouchy from that loud buzzer I had going off six days a week, just to fry me up an egg and cheese sandwich with toasted bread and mayo, or a BIG bowl of steel cut oats with butter, syrup, brown sugar, cinnamon, a little salt…umm….

I am re-reading “Quiet Strength” by Tony Dungy again. I don’t think I really appreciated it the first time when you first sent it to me two years ago. It’s much better this time around. I know that I wasn’t spiritually mature enough then, so I’m able to see better the truth of his story and begin to use it in my life. Once again, it starts with teaching your children about God, just as it explains in the bible. Also about the importance of education. Wish I had listened to you, and just started taking some college courses here and there over the years. I know it’s torture for you to go through all of my misspelled words, and I let someone in reg pop borrow my thesaurus so I can’t even check my spelling here, lol. Praise God that I can read! Some folks, even guys I worked with, don’t even have that gift. I wish i had done better in high school. Some support would’ve been great, so keep pushing our boys. Maybe one of them will go on to college. I hope so.

I wish I had been more aligned to your way of thinking; you tried, I was just so stubbortn and prideful to admit that I needed more education. Really, I was just afraid to try again. Never thought of myself as a college boy, and never had any faith in myself. I will do better once I get out.

I pray things are going well at home. Didn’t get any mail this week. I know you’re busy with school work and keeping up with the boys. It truly helps me more when I get your letters. But, I’ve not been myself this week working on healing. The pain meds don’t help much, either. I can’t stay focused. But, I can read Ok. After awhile, I get tired and go to sleep. Maybe next week will be better…

Yeah! The Panthers won 30-15. Now they are 3-3 for the season. It was an exciting game to listen to on the radio! You would have made all sorts of goodies to eat while watching me jump around and yell at the t.v. I would run around and find you after jumping off the couch and grab you, laughing, making you smack at me like flies…we were always so silly together, and I could never keep my hands off of you, making you squeal, and the boys would groan and complain when we would kiss in front of them…I

injustice, love, relationships, spirituality

I want so much to be back in your arms…

miss aggravating you so. Feeling your skin against mine. I  could really use your woman body right now. I miss looking at your beautiful face. It is so cold in this room. Even the walls feel cold today.

It must be apple season up on the mountain, I bet the fall apple sales are in full swing. Not sure anymore. Been back here in seg too long without t.v. to let me know what’s going on in the world. The new would tell us about the county events.

Looking back, we were so funny together. We always wanted to spend so much time together. It didn’t matter what we did, as long as we were together. I sure do miss our time together at night, when we would hold each other before sleeping. It was the one quiet time in the house.

I want so much to be back in your arms. Sometimes I feel them wrapped around me, squeezing me tight. I feel your love flowing through, with each letter; that’s why they are so important to me.

I don’t have much to say because things are getting stagnant behind these thick, cold walls…

The Waterfall

waterfall

How we sweated together,
to make this waterfall come to life; you loved the sound of water so,
and I knew it would be nice for you to hear at night.

I picked out each rock, the slates for their color and potential sound as the water would fall off of each other. We dug, we lifted, tore a few holes in the plastic by mistake, and I think I ran over the shovel; you always made fun of how I couldn’t see to drive…sigh.

We did so much, a team, and always made the kids help. They picked out all of the fish, the plants, and helped us put it all together. It was OUR project.

So, too, this suffering now is ours. We planned it, somewhere among the stars, this contract between you and I. We will make it through, and travel on to some new place, and begin digging again.

I promise not to drive.

Chickens, eggs, home

 

men, women, relationships, faith

One of your son’s pride and joy, a jungle fowl rooster.

 

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been six years since I bought you those first chicks on your birthday. You’ve kept up with them, helped them hatch, watched them grow…I used to think they were a nuisance, always scratching in the garden, getting on the neighbor’s things and pooping…lol…what I wouldn’t give now for one of your omelets, how the golden yolks stood in the pan when frying…I miss it all.

Letters from Isolation, p.3

September 8, 2013

No, I’ve never doubted how much you and the boys loved me.

It’s just part of my inner child’s abandonment issues.

Over so many years I’ve always pushed away so not to get hurt so bad.

I could always find replacements or drink it away.

Now, I’ve been forced to feel and realize how much it truly hurts.

Letting you go was so hard and I’ve really never been able to…

injustice, Latino, prison, solitude, sadness, alone, fear

I know you loved me unconditionally now more than ever.

I couldn’t see past my own issues. And I’ve learned that  I also love you unconditionally.

I don’t want you to change who you are or what you have to do to survive.

You writing those naughty things don’t frustrate me, it just reminds me of what I’m missing.

I would love to life there, skin on skin, sweat sticking from making love.

Licking you all over, not stopping until you squirm to get away.

I’ve got to stop my self pity workshop and have more faith in God.

I’m going to need so much help when I get out of here to overcome all the things from my childhood.

Yes, I do want to get out of here as soon as possible, I just know how slow other people work, and I don’t want to put pressure on anything so that something gets missed.

Today I’m going to listen to the Carolina Panthers play the Seattle Sea Hawks. Do the boys ever watch football like we used to?

I’m listening to Billy Graham right now, he is talking about the Prodigal Son. He doesn’t sound like the other preachers.

I love you so much and miss you each and every day that I’m away from you.

Let the boys know I love and miss them, too.

Chicano