I now have NO idea who had been treating me or if he was even a doctor

kindness

12/16/13

I tried to sleep, but can’t get more than two hours at a time, due to the constant slamming of the door.

The CO’s just let it slam, and I guess the deprivation of sound is really taking its toll, so it’s like a gun shot.

At 3, 4 and 5 a.m. and of course, all through the day, but it’s the early hours that truly affect me the most.

It would be so easy for them to fix the release to catch softer, but that is too much to ask.

AT 7:30 a.m., the guard came to take me to medical. He stood there and waited for me to pee, and then belly chained and shackled me up.

Upon arriving  I am introduced to a man that was actually Dr. McIntyre. This hasn’t been the man I’ve been seeing for the past few months.  I truly had no idea that this man, Labor was not the doctor. I don’t really even know who ‘Labor’ is, now. He never wore a name plate as this man before me now was. I have no idea who was treating me or if he had ANY credentials to do so.

The Dr. asked me questions, and then agreed that I needed more fiber. Then, he had me take some liquid (God only knows what that was), and he said it would be quick to help, but nothing happened. I laid down and waited, and waited. Finally, five hours later, some relief, but still a sharp pain opposite the hernia area. I’m afraid there is a blockage.

I went ahead and wrote a grievance about the door, and I think it must really be like PTSD because I actually jump when these doors slam. People need to know that this type of purposeful treatment is wrong. Why doesn’t PETA focus more on people – they could probably get a lot done…In the back of my head is pain, and in my temples. I think this is from sleep deprivation. I don’t understand why other inmates don’t fight more to get any justice or relief. These feelings keep intensifying and I stay focused on God, even through the pain and suffering.  I asked a couple of CO’s to please not slam the door and they actually listened. I got a few more hours of sleep. Praise God!

 

12/17/13

I’ve put my 6th request on my door to see a psychologist. I still have that lump on my left side, and things aren’t right, either, but the nurse hasn’t come back. I did win 29 stamps on football picks. Go Ravens! They beat the Lions. They just talked about sausage balls on the radio. I miss it when we would make those!! All the Christmas goodies you would make – peanut butter cookies, pumpkin pie, fudge, chocolate covered pretzels- you loved to cook, and I loved to eat!

We were such a good team! I should be more thankful for what I do have, like my health slowly starting to come back. You in my life. This bible course that you ordered for me! These surroundings get me down so much, and everything you send helps me to focus and not let it all over take me.

12/18/13

Your visit today was SO needed; it seems so long since your last visit. Your energy helps keep me going. You didn’t say anything about the boys; are they acting any better lately? It seems you hardly ever complain about them anymore. It shows such growth in you! God helps us to see our own weaknesses when we pay attention to what about others we find aggravating. He is brought us so much closer. You could have forgotten me and went away…

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No one would ever be treated like this in the outside world

imgHeroFeelingLoneliness

11/29/13
Well, no one has come to evaluate me for a better type of diet, NMT-3,
even though I’ve requested it several times. Also, my response to the
request for thermals came back denied, “Custody is only allowed to issue thermals to inmates who work.”

But, I’ve some how made it through another cold night, praise God! The air blows like hard like the wind in PA, that never stopped in winter. Even now when I sit to write, it beats on my arms, face, chest and hands, even making them blue. The nurse did come by at 5:30, praise God, and ask if I wanted pain meds; of course I said ‘yes’, and after eating could actually sleep a little, even with the lights on. You would go crazy in here, as they are never off. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. This relief for the pain has been a tremendous help, and has at least given me some sort rest. Praise God for his works through you! And, for you to feel strong enough to stand up to these giants. They are truly bullies to us in here.

God meant for all of us to rest, but not in this prison.
The same people who administer these cruel conditions should have to endure them for a few months, this torture, and see if there is then any reform in the prison system.

 

Here is what happened with the heat, from what I can tell – it came on, and was warm for one day, and then the next day a mechanic was out, and then the lights were flickering on and off, like they were looking for what fuse was tripped, or trying to figure out why the heat wasn’t working. It was never fixed after that one attempt.

When I woke up this morning, after my time in the rec cage, I was throbbing with pain from the attempt at walking and stretching. Even with the meds, it still hurts to exercise, but I keep on because you said it would be best for the scar tissue and where the tissue is growing over the mesh.

12/1/13
Good morning, love. I went to rec again, it was inside this time. I can’t get over this pain – it has been seven weeks now, and I feel weird all the way down to the bottom of my groin. All of my male ‘parts’ are experiencing numbness, but they have done NO diagnostics, either before or after my surgery to see what is happening to my insides. I also have these sharp pains that throb down there, as well, and when I walk, it feels like something is rubbing inside. It’s hard to explain. IF they would just take me to a doctor who would do standard protocol, and xray or something, then they could better understand what IS going on, if it’s an infection or if something is wrong, they could fix it. I would never be treated like this in the outside world.
A man was put in here today, just for speaking during the Moorish Science Temple time in the chapel. The administrator said he couldn’t teach what he was saying, but the man didn’t stop. He was then given a C-3 charge for speaking on his beliefs. However, that won’t be on the official charge, of course. But, that same officer was also the DHO overseeing the case, which totally goes against policy. But, there’s no one to help us get any sort of justice.

There’s No One but God to ask for help in here

 KJV Exodus 23:25.  And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.  - King James Bible

KJV Exodus 23:25.
And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.
– King James Bible

11-2-13

I love the way your letters smell! (Do I tell you this every time?)
These lights are very bright; get woken up every day, the same time, with lights burning on and time for feed (4:30). I hate the way they turn these lights on, and then off(10 p.m.)
It has been cold today. I wish I could get a shirt jacket. They don’t want to give or do anything to help us. at all. I’m even wearing two shirts, two pairs of socks, and pants. I’ve felt down all day due to this coldness.
I’m trying to find a way to get some Q-tips, ink pens, and Lever 2000 soap. That means I have to look for someone who has just come into seg before they see the DHO. Then, I will also have to buy it. The little state bar they give us doesn’t really work, and makes my whole body break out.

When we ‘fish’ and it is far away, we have to work together to get it from one place to another. Then when they get back to regular population, it’s each for himself.

11/3/13

I finished writing both of the boys a letter. I worry about how you are holding it together, and if they will have to be sent away. They have been through so much, and are holding it together as good as they can, but they could straighten up a lot of their behavior.

It is still sooo cold, but mainly my feet, even with two pairs of socks. I wish I could figure it out; it’s not like me to not be able to get warm.

11/14/13

I’ve not been well in mind.  I thought I was just being depressed, but at day 75, I am slowly losing my feel on things.

I have to get closer to God, strengthen my relationship with Him so I can hear Him speak. I think now that I am being attacked to keep that from happening. Just as Daniel prayed and fasted for 20 days before the archangel Michael was able to break through to deliver God’s message to him.

The nurse came today, along with the doctor. They came because I wrote a request form for more Ibuprofen because of the pain. He looked at my incision and said it was healing well. He asked me where it hurt, and was poking around and he just said that sometimes nerves are hit and it takes longer to heal. He’s going to prescribe some more pain medicine, like Advil. I asked him why I was staying so cold; I explained that I’d never had this feeling before I lost all of the blood after surgery. He said he would have my blood looked at to see if I was anemic. Sounds like they already knew that’s what had happened, but they just weren’t going to do anything about it.

I’ve asked for vitamins because I feel so lethargic. I just don’t feel like myself. I miss you so much. It makes me cry. The loneliness is starting to really think in. I guess. Louvonda wrote me a letter and said my package request was rejected, and they sent her back her money. The lawyer has called her to say that the investigator was sick, and that was why he wasn’t reporting anything back.

I still haven’t received anything for the pain, and I have the shakes and my head pounds. Don’t know what is going on, maybe I have a fever. I only have God to ask for help…

We will be provided for, in His time

10/21/13

faith, God, hope


Ecclesiastes 3
(KJV) 3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up…”

Well, they finally gave me ICON, so I’ll be in here another five months.

I will come up for a review in February; that’s when they can give me close ops for another

90 days or longer, if they FEEL it’s warranted. They are just hoping that by the time they let us out that everyone else outside will have forgotten about what really happened.

Your letter smells so good…yes, we do sometimes get to watch movies in regular population, but it is way after it comes out, like when it comes out on the FX channel, which is easily a year or two after it is released.

It’s just like you said, “God is holding us close to Him to allow us to feel His love, apart from each other, so we can grieve in our own ways.” I just ask that you pray before making decisions and let Him guide you through it. The more you allow Him to do so, the more He will be evident in your life. Have hope that this life is a way for you to gain understanding that all things aren’t as they might originally seem. He wants us to grow as believers so He can use us to help others come to God’s kingdom.

I love you so much, and want to be there with you, but we must wait for God’s time to be right. We can’t question Him. We need to stay obeident and trust in God. I cry when I read through your letters and know it will get better in God’s timing, not mine.

I sent you a letter on Sunday for Monday morning, and I will get this out tomorrow. It just takes me a while to have enough together to write. You know how boring it is in here. I’m only getting your letters once a week or so, so I wait for you to give me things to say…I know it would help if we could talk over the phone. We will just have to wait the 180 days to be free of the glass, and the silence.

I’m so hungry. At least I have a peanut better sandwich to eat. The pics of your cooking from your letters look so great. I miss them…I was given a veggie tray yesterday, and it had two biscuits inside. They were so good. I got two porkchops while in the hospital, and they were great, but now I’m back to my vegan diet.

The football game tonight will be on the radio, if I can just get it to come in…reception sucks in here, but sometimes the am stations work. It’s the Vikings against the Ny Giants. The Vikings lost to Carolina last week, so both these teams need a win badly. the Panthers play again on Thursday night, but it should come in better on the fm station. (Your letter smells so good it is radiating all over my room.)

Don’t worry so much about me, I’ll be fine. I know you love me and yes it does make me feel good to know and hear. I know that God is with me and you, and what we need will be provided for in His time….

My First Instinct was to try and help

10/8/13

Dear Chicano,

It has begun. A new chicken legacy.

Who ever heard of chicks hatching in October?

You know my 85 year old mother…she said to keep the eggs collected and not allow that sad hen

men, women, hope, relationships

First chick, and egg that is struggling to hatch.

to lay this late. I prayed about this ever since ‘Laura’ was found on the eggs three weeks ago.

I had watched this young hen over the  summer when she hatched three chicks, only to lose two while running them around the yard. Your oldest, the chicken whisperer, and myself, would run outside in rainstorms and catch her and the one chick, who would be soaking wet and hiding under a bush, and corner them so we could put them in the shed to dry.

She had tried earlier in the spring to hatch a group of eight, but ended up abandoning the nest for whatever reason, and ran around broody and forlorn until this little group hatched in June. Her one biddie, Peeper, is still very attached to her mother.

Well, I thought about this, and I prayed some more, and I left Laura alone on the nest. I’m no dummy when it comes to chickens, so I knew we could put her up in the garage in a box with a lamp over the winter, and your oldest would tend to them, so I just let her be. I knew, in my heart, that she needed a way to get over the grieving, and that this was really important to her. So, I let her be.

How often in life, do older, or more respected  folk do their best to impart or push their wisdom on others, emasculating young men, or dis-empowering young women who have an inner knowing but continue to be beat down for going against the grain? Unless we have a deep, spiritual well-spring to draw from during the dry times, we can become worn out, dried up like old shoe leather. We find it hard to give back because we are give out. I pray that never happens to me.

I went to gather eggs yesterday, and could hear Laura talking to her eggs. It is so amazing to me that people cry for miracles yet turn away from the multitude of gifts that God offers daily, as few are brave enough to open their eyes are receive.

How is it that a simple year old chicken can sit on 14 eggs, and know who is getting ready to hatch, and begin to coax them into the world? She knows if one is too hot or cold, and will turn either them or herself to adjust to their needs.

I was nervous when I saw two eggs sticking out from under her, as she is a banty, and was worried that there were too many eggs for her to cover. But, I also trusted Creator through Nature to take care of it. Perhaps she knew they weren’t healthy, or maybe they were too hot?

Today when I entered, I heard the inquiring ‘peep peep’ that let me know they were beginning to arrive. How exciting! And, her little Peeper was in the nest box with her! I think she decided to be a second incubator, so the chicks and the eggs would be warm, and Laura wouldn’t have to stress to handle the large load by herself. This can also be a dangerous time, as rats will quickly steal away chicks from under the momma hen at night while she is on the ground with the nest.

I was very excited, and just lifted a wing so that a fat little chick rolled out. The proud momma pecked her on the head so she could sit still for me to gently pet and talk to the little one. There were actually three, with another egg trying desperately to  hatch. My first instinct was to help it, but I know, as a farmer, that one has to let the birthing process come in its own way.

I feel that this is where God spoke to me today, as He finds a way to, everyday, if I just listen…

living things must suffer if they are to survive in this world. The ones that struggle from eggs and capsules(like butterflies), are very soft and wet. It is crucial that they continue to draw from the valuable nutrients inside their particular casing. During this time, they stretch, strain and push their various body parts to and fro, strengthening, drying, working their bodies so they will be able to function once out of the shell. I left everyone alone, but came back a few hours later with your chicken whisperer, (CW, for short).

“Oh mom,” he sighs, as if I should know better. “You just need to open this up a little bit here, and loosen the membrane up there…” and he worked while talking, and then stuck the little fella back under the worried Laura. Just a few small cracks near the place where the beak had made its first hole, nothing more.

Tonight, late, around 11:30, I woke up, worried. That little chick could be dying, or dead, all because I didn’t bring it in and help it out, or wet the shell, or, well, I don’t know…something. CW was dead asleep. Forget it. So, I went to the baby boy, who grumbled and whined a little, but got up and grabbed his .22 and the little miner flashlight that sticks on your forehead, and off we went in the dark, cold night.

Maxi snuffled inside the shed, too, getting the chickens a little excited, but they’re used to the corgi sticking his nose around. There was Peeper, next to Laura, a little agitated by the light and such. I couldn’t find the egg at first, then, I saw it, half the shell was gone! It was still wrapped in some membrane, but much progress had been made. The shell was no where to be found. Apparently the siblings and momma had worked to get the chick out by themselves? I had put some scratch in the box so they eat when ready, and not be starving while waiting for everyone to hatch, so it looks like they were definitely trying to help, not eat it!

Wow. I asked the baby brain if he thought it was OK, and he said, (surprise), “Yes, mom, it is fine. Can we go to bed now?” From the mouths of babes….

chickens, spirituality, faith

Egg, with a little help, closer to being born.

Because Jesus taught in parables, I think the Father does, as well. You had to be put into the tiny egg, Chicano, so that you would be so close to God that there was no way to keep escaping in the daily distraction of life, the doing that you and I were so famous for. Even in regular population, you were teaching, working with others, going to choir, whatever, and still didn’t make time to grieve and heal your childhood, as well as the loss of the nucleus of our family. It has been horrible to have the children torn apart, with no way to make amends, to give them all therapy, or for all of us to heal. We both have to grieve in our separate ways, and I have to sit back and allow Divine Intervention to take place, to allow Creator to free you from your egg into new life.

I love you.

There was something about the garden

 

Garden in Pa. People would stop to look at it from the road.

Garden in Pa. People would stop to look at it from the road.

 

“I know I got mad at you, gave you a hard time, but I really loved the garden, Shel. We made things grow, picked the food, ate it off the vine. That was love. Love, and I didn’t even know it. All that work on the old tiller to break that ground for you and the kids, the sweating, shoveling the manure in to make it right, that was love, pure and simple. I really came to love the life in it, the new birth, the seeds coming up from all the hard work of the rows. I know we will plant again…”