It is good to see the sun, even if it is too cold here to feel it

Federal%20prison%20cell%20Vick

1/6/14
It has been a difficult day; so cold that I had to wear 3 pairs of socks, 3 each of shirt jackets and undershirts, and 1 pr of pants.

It’s going to perhaps even get to 0 degrees F tonight. I have written grievances to the Sgt, Unit Manager, the Cpt. and to the assistant superintendent. It is a request for a work order for the heat to be fixed. I know nothing will be done, but it does give you a path when writing an injunction against the treatment in isolation.

I have been working on my letter to CPS and I’ve gone through 100 sheets of paper trying to hand write this grievance, but I can’t get it right. I only have two sheets of paper left now, and one has a stain on it.

I’m so hungry. I think from being so cold that my body has used all of its resources to stay warm. I haven’t had any coffee today, either. It’s pretty bad. I’m having a lot of back pain too, and had to take some naproxen for it. Does your back hurt lately? I am so tuned in to you still that I can feel your different body aches and pains.

1/8/14

I saw the psychologist lady again today; she is no help whatsoever. All she asks is, “How can I help you?”, and then she interrupts you before you finish, and she interrupts saying she can’t do that. I told her again that I wanted a psychological eval and she says that there isn’t any evidence to suggest that I need one. Her response is, ” You should have stayed out of trouble so you wouldn’t be put in isolation,” as if she could stand the heat from being locked in a cell with no moving air in August. It’s no wonder the people go crazy – there is no rationale in a place like this. The lack of compassion by those who work here is alarming, as we are seen than less than human. She ended the ‘visit’ saying that if I needed her to let her know. Wow; as if she has done anything so far.   I told her that I would have to get my wife to call Raleigh to get any help, and she answered, “You just do that”.  Such is the attitude here in general.

The nurse came by to have me sign for a new diet that  I asked for, which should include wheat bread, and more fruit instead of all of the straight starch we are forced to eat now. There may actually be some ‘real’ meat.

It is nice to see the sun on the wall, at least, even if it is too cold to warm my room.  I am doing my best to surrender to the fact that God is in control, and it’s been so hard to let go of that need to fix things on my own. I try to be content and not look to man to meet my needs. The lessons are becoming easier to understand, but I must still the drive to want more.

I will be strictly monitored on this new diet that took several months of requesting to get on; my canteen – once I can order from it again, my weight will be checked each month and if I gain any weight I will be taken off of it, as well. It is not practical but I will try to earn this better grade of food.

The lights have been staying on past 11 or even 11:30 p.m., but 10 p.m. is the policy, even though they have the lame excuse that the lights are on so the men can shave, some times until 12 a.m.? We didn’t even get showers tonight, when there’s no reason not to, other than they don’t follow their own policies, yet expect us to. The Sgt. says there’s no policy in seg about turning off the lights, as long as the guards are working on things for the men. I find this very hard to believe.

I waited until 2 a.m. for grievance forms about this, but none came, so I finally laid down. I know I need to stand up for these things as long as it isn’t about pride, as I want to do things for God’s glory. When we delay obedience to God, by doing things on my own, it makes it more difficult to receive further instructions. The more our faith grows the easier it becomes to wait on God’s timing.

Advertisements

There’s No One but God to ask for help in here

 KJV Exodus 23:25.  And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.  - King James Bible

KJV Exodus 23:25.
And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.
– King James Bible

11-2-13

I love the way your letters smell! (Do I tell you this every time?)
These lights are very bright; get woken up every day, the same time, with lights burning on and time for feed (4:30). I hate the way they turn these lights on, and then off(10 p.m.)
It has been cold today. I wish I could get a shirt jacket. They don’t want to give or do anything to help us. at all. I’m even wearing two shirts, two pairs of socks, and pants. I’ve felt down all day due to this coldness.
I’m trying to find a way to get some Q-tips, ink pens, and Lever 2000 soap. That means I have to look for someone who has just come into seg before they see the DHO. Then, I will also have to buy it. The little state bar they give us doesn’t really work, and makes my whole body break out.

When we ‘fish’ and it is far away, we have to work together to get it from one place to another. Then when they get back to regular population, it’s each for himself.

11/3/13

I finished writing both of the boys a letter. I worry about how you are holding it together, and if they will have to be sent away. They have been through so much, and are holding it together as good as they can, but they could straighten up a lot of their behavior.

It is still sooo cold, but mainly my feet, even with two pairs of socks. I wish I could figure it out; it’s not like me to not be able to get warm.

11/14/13

I’ve not been well in mind.  I thought I was just being depressed, but at day 75, I am slowly losing my feel on things.

I have to get closer to God, strengthen my relationship with Him so I can hear Him speak. I think now that I am being attacked to keep that from happening. Just as Daniel prayed and fasted for 20 days before the archangel Michael was able to break through to deliver God’s message to him.

The nurse came today, along with the doctor. They came because I wrote a request form for more Ibuprofen because of the pain. He looked at my incision and said it was healing well. He asked me where it hurt, and was poking around and he just said that sometimes nerves are hit and it takes longer to heal. He’s going to prescribe some more pain medicine, like Advil. I asked him why I was staying so cold; I explained that I’d never had this feeling before I lost all of the blood after surgery. He said he would have my blood looked at to see if I was anemic. Sounds like they already knew that’s what had happened, but they just weren’t going to do anything about it.

I’ve asked for vitamins because I feel so lethargic. I just don’t feel like myself. I miss you so much. It makes me cry. The loneliness is starting to really think in. I guess. Louvonda wrote me a letter and said my package request was rejected, and they sent her back her money. The lawyer has called her to say that the investigator was sick, and that was why he wasn’t reporting anything back.

I still haven’t received anything for the pain, and I have the shakes and my head pounds. Don’t know what is going on, maybe I have a fever. I only have God to ask for help…

I started to lose consciousness, but it’s like I was floating

Oct. 15, 2013

Dear Love,

I’ve had my surgery, and it went well.                                              prison, relationships, spiritualtiy

But, during recovery I had to pee. They wouldn’t let me sit on the toilet.

I’m in handcuffs with shackles on my legs, and it was very difficult as I’d just come out of the surgery.

I felt something running down my leg, and thought I’d had an accident because of the aesthetics,

but it was blood – in rivulets, and it wouldn’t stop…

just like that time ten years ago when I had the toncillectomy and we were in the ER,

and you had the baby in the carrier, and you just sat in the floor and starting to pray, holding CW in your arms, I guess he was not quite two then, and all of the doctors were dabbing swabs, nurses yelling, my blood won’t stop, and you’re there, eyes closed, praying for me. I felt you there.

I tried to sit down on the bed, but the chains wouldn’t let me reach far enough, so I had to scoot and lean back while the nurses kept yelling and pushing buttons, screaming for help, pushing all manner of cloths, sponges; whatever against the incision, working to get the flow to stop. I started to lose consciousness, but it’s like I was floating.

They were all in slow motion as I lay on the bed, and they called the ER doctor back, getting ready to wheel me back to the OR and see what happened,

and then it just stopped.

Just like before. They decided to keep me there overnight, just in case something else happened. My nurse was a man, and he took very good care of me, and then a woman, who was also nice. She stayed by me, assuring me that she was going to stay right there, over and over. The next day, they shipped me back to the prison. Compared to prison, the hospital food was so good, and I can’t even imagine any more what your food tastes like, it’s been so long since I’ve had anything home made.

But, know that I am fine, and the Lord sent good people to take care of me in the surgery. They said that if that episode had happened at the prison, it would not have turned out so well because of now being in seg. It reminded me of mom being in and out of the hospitals so many times, and how she had to suffer all of that alone because I was in here. I knew Jesus had been with her, and also with me, as He has been so many other times in my life. I just never gave the praise to God for getting me out of so many fixes.

Anyway, I got wheeled up to the medical unit here at the prison, and everyone here knew what had happened to me. R is a big man, and a good guard, with common sense. He allowed me to get three pillows for some small comfort, as well as an extra sleeping mat. I couldn’t get a handicap cell, but I did get an ice pack, thank God, for the swelling. They thought the hernia was going to be about and inch long, but it ended up being more than 5. I had let it go too long because we had talked about not letting anyone cut on me here, but I just couldn’t go any longer with it hurting like it did.

My bed is as high as my hip, so it is very hard to manuever, and there are no handles anywhere to help me get up, and the toilet is very low. It hurts real bad, but I am making do. I am getting some pain meds, but they wear out every four hours. I can’t get in the bed, I have to step on top of two lunch trays, and I’m afraid I might fall. Then what?

They will be very slow to come in here, so I must be very careful. I need to sleep, I’ve been up over one day, but there is no way to get rest like this in here.

I’ll be alright. You know me. I sure do miss all of that attention you used to give me, and I’ve always whined when it comes down to pain. I love you, and I’ll be OK….