God’s plan may not make sense right now…

12/12/13
We are more connected now beyond what most can understand.
Reading your last letter put me there with you and our boys.
I could feel Nate’s pain through each word you wrote.
I wept so hard for him, as I felt his pain.
It never gets easier to bear. But, you and I truly did our best.
If nothing else, it was mostly my fault. I felt so bad because we’d had no choice but to send DJ back to that hellhole with his mother. We just couldn’t get any help from the mental health system.
There is never enough to go around for these kids(kids with special needs), as the funding is always cut to line someone else’s pockets further up the chain.

I was just blinded by wanting to show Daniel Jr. love; I needed him to see that I cared for him. I was so excited about being a project manager, having a job ‘back home’ after being up north for that time away from Southern people and family; it felt like a new start.
I also didn’t want him to feel the way that my dad made me feel, that I was nothing, worthless…
When we moved back to North Carolina, I had hoped that perhaps we could start over, maybe do family therapy, try again to get some help and find out what exactly had been going on. We just didn’t know.
There was so much confusion, and Carolyn always kept the older kids riled up and starting things at home; it was hard to keep things calm.
Nothing I can say will change what happened, I just pray to God, for it all.

I pray, for all of my children to receive healing. There is nothing I can do in here, but pray, the hurt is so strong knowing that we just weren’t fully aware of the extent of the damage that was occurring. God forgive DJ for doing those acts, and I pray Veronica, Nate and Alex will learn to lean on the Lord to give them hope. Their faith will grow as ours has, and even though God’s plan may not make sense right now, it will in time, according to His purpose. Nothing I can say, as a man can make anything right. My love has become so much stronger knowing Jesus’ love is so much more than we can understand. I wish I could hold all of them, my children, and give them comfort where there is none, and let them feel their daddy’s love again. May they feel God’s love around them, giving them comfort.

They are still tearing off the holiday stickers that you put on my envelopes. But, at least they aren’t marking out the bible verses you write on them. I am listening to the Christmas shoe song. It always makes me cry to hear that. I miss my mom so much. She never had much, but she always tried to give more than she had. Those little gifts meant so much to her to be able to give to her children and grandchildren. It wasn’t the toy that mattered, it was what was in her heart. She was so giving!
helping-others

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Ready to take a stand against CPS in North Carolina

Hello, all.
Rochelle here.
I would like to give you an update on where I stand on this.
There is deep anger inside of me at being failed by a system sworn to protect its citizens, where people are supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, and where there is liberty and justice for all. That is far from the truth, and it is happening right under your noses.
Because of my strong faith in a loving God, and an understanding of the purpose of suffering in the lives of humans, I continue on.

After one year of extreme suffering over the loss of my family, my step-children, the trauma induced on my own two children, and the destruction of both my and my husband’s good name, Daniel and I discussed a divorce, for many reasons relating to his more or less life sentencing. After five months of further deliberations and much sadness, we wrote it up through the prison system. That did not change my love for him, it actually has strengthened it, as I have had to deal with so many struggles and pain from being abandoned as a single mom with no income or way to survive after what happened. I learned to rely on God, and had to go through the many stages of grief. As my sons come to terms with the abuse by their step-siblings, and the family’s destruction, they are also having to deal with their own loss of self, as my oldest step son abused him as he had been abused at his mother’s home, and we are not sure yet who all was involved in this sad atrocity.

We were not perfect, but we gave everything we had to raising these children, even with all of the trauma and abuse they came into my home with, and then perpetrated on my own children, as well as the manipulation and trauma and abuse I received from them. I understand suffering much better now, and can love these children who are now young adults, in a much more profound way, tempered by love of an unconditional God and through decades of work as a medicine woman, healer, and in working with the abused.

These past four years since the allegations started have been the most crucial, however. I must admit that the suffering, anguish, loss and poor treatment by professional men and women in many arenas, such as car repair, as landlords, teachers, mental hospital workers for my younger son, the prison officials and guards,  the lawyers both for the defense and the state has taught me a great deal. I have become more calm, patient, understanding, gentle and soft spoken.  I am MUCH more aware of the pain of others than I even thought I was capable of as an empath, and I have a much better understanding of how being an adult with autism, Asperger’s  – deeply affects how I view people and the world. I am much more compassionate towards my own boys with autism’s needs, and work harder than ever to be affectionate, aware and an active listener. When they destroy my things, hit me or cry out, “How can you tell me to love them after what they’ve done to us?” I cry and tell them they must understand that someone did these things to them, as well. Understanding a wrong does make it go away, just a little easier to carry through this life.

The biggest gift that I can share with the world is now being free from fear.

I no longer fear the lawyer with the $100k salary who threatened two already frightened and exhausted parents with the world against them. Nor do I fear the CPS director with the same salary, nor the two people below him who were angry, subjective women with a vendetta against men. I have talked to a few people about taking care of my boys, 12 and almost 14, should something ‘accidental’ happen to me. I’m doing my best to prepare whereas I was taken unawares and unprepared, trusting and naive before.

As a result, I am working to learn all I can about how to file a class action law suit, how to do legal research, and get to the truth of how to fight injustice, especially North Carolina, as that is my true home, and where I spent the majority of my life. I love the mountains of NC, and hope to have a permaculture based school there for special needs’ children. I had just started my Masters in Special Ed when this happened in 2009.

So, if you are someone who has truly been abused by CPS, especially men falsely accused in North Carolina, or you do pro-bono work, or know how to find someone who has knowledge of how to fight this system, please email me at chicanogets113years@gmail.com

If you are someone who feels ashamed, sad, hurt or abused by this system, and just want to talk, I am here.

In the meantime, I wrote a formal grievance to CPS in Guilford County two weeks ago, and I am going to start the research for legal retribution for the wrongs they’ve committed, even if I have to represent Daniel and I by myself. I will no longer rest while reading stories of how poor and middle class people’s families are being destroyed to line others’ pocket books. I will start posting segments of this grievance tonight.

Thank you for all who stop by, and for those who pray for all of us.

For those who are spying on me because you are guilty of destroying my family, I pray for you, as well. My God is the judge in the end, and offers a more lasting consequence than any you could lash upon this tired body.

Blessings and love,

Rochelle, Atsila Agisdii, Fire Eater – One who eats the pain of others