I feel much better today…

10-29-13

Dear Shel,

I re-read your last letter another time, because I didn’t get a letter this week. I noticed that you fear me

spirituality, injustice, relationships

If you don’t hear from me, it’s because my pens ran out of ink, and they won’t let me buy more in seg.

going to “ICON”, but I am already there. I should not be shipped to another camp unless

DOC decides to after my next hearing, so I will serve my seg time here. It should be six months of isolation, with another three in ‘close observation’ because they are ‘afraid’ I might rile up the inmates, even though all we did was refuse to go into our cells because it was sweltering after three days of no air circulation. I see in your letter where these types of things are happening to other inmates, some guys had their fans taken away, so they sat out and were all thrown in ICON, too. I couldn’t believe the story about the man who was written up one day for eating his whole apple, as apple seeds are considered ‘poison’ (God, the lengths they go to to torture us emotionally), so the next day he didn’t touch it, so he was written up again for ‘refusing to eat’. It is like that here, but not quite as bad. (http://solitarywatch.com/category/featured-posts/)

I got the visit forms because of the amount of pestering I did to the guards this week (lol), they will be in this letter, so you can finally change the address for you and the boys in time over the next two weeks, and hopefully they won’t give you any trouble trying to set up future visits. I know you won’t have any more extra gas money until the end of the month after next week’s visit, so this is  a good time to do it.

I feel much better today. It doesn’t even hurt much. I will still wait for about four weeks before exercising again. For now, I just walk around in my room, and lift my legs up to stretch them out, as well as my stomach muscles. The surgeon wants to see me next week. And, yes, you were surprised as to why they didn’t know before the surgery how bad the hernia was because they didn’t even x-ray the area! The doctor had no idea I was in such bad shape because he just performed a short exam like a physical, nothing like what would have happened if I had been home. It should have been repaired a long time ago, and even then, it took them a month to decide to perform the surgery!

Your blog about us is great! It is just how I remember things. It was like that so many times. I want to tell you that you are my best friend.

I’ve written L(my cousin) several times without her replying. I asked her to order my Christmas package, because if she can do it before I go in front of the DOC then there’s a much better chance of my getting the package. If it’s ordered and the DOC gives me a harsh ‘sentence’ in ICON, then they don’t allow you to have anything hardly there. It is a very harsh sentence, with very little in the way of trying to make your life livable. I can’t order any food from canteen other than a very restricted item list once a week. I can’t have any normal pens, and getting a guard to sharpen your safety pencil is like pulling teeth here. I sent the last request to her on 10-10, so maybe I’ll hear something next week. They may not let me have the food package, even if she did, but I tried.

A and N look great. I can see that they have both lost weight. I can’t tell so much about their height. Take a picture with you standing next to them so I can see better. It has been so hard not to have them visit, but I don’t want them to see me in handcuffs and behind this glass. I think it is worse than when they can’t see me. We always hug so close and tight, if even for a few seconds, and I can scrub their faces with my goatee’ to help them remember me at least. This would just be too hard for the three of us right now. They need you to wrestle with them, since I can’t be there like we used to do, crawling in the floor, playing pile up with all five of the kids in the bed on Sunday morning, legs and arms flying, I’m surprised the bed didn’t break with seven of us in the bed, flailing and screaming! It would be so hard to get them ready for church after they all got wound up, jumping uup and down, yelling…but, boys need rough play. And, we just let V right in there, like a boy, too, because I wanted her to learn how to protect herself, to be strong enough to know how to get away if someone came after her at school, to not be afraid to protect hereself…

It is hard now, as a single mom, I know. Moms are softer and so busy they forget that part of boys – they need to kick and punch, roll and jump around, climb on things, take things apart; this is fun for them, and a necessary part of their development. Especially these boys because of puberty. It is hard without a man in the house, I know, mom had it rough too, after running from dad, trying to raise us with no child support, but she would take us outside, and play with me and Al. She would chop and kick at us, and sometimes it hurt like Hell, but we kept coming back, and she would wear us out, and then take us inside for ice cream. She did her best…sigh….just like you’re doing your best with our two boys. Try to remind them to do their ‘boy stuff’ outside. I think boxing would help N as it is more mental and physical. See if you can get a martial arts scholarship somewhere.

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