You just don’t appreciate your blessing until it is taken away

faith, hope, injustice, musings

“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath,
but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord”
Ephesians 6:4 (NKJV)

Another day, and it just keeps running through my mind how excited you were  for our older son as he improved so much with football this season.   I hope things are  starting to improve at home. Does he still draw? I hope he will send me some more pics.

Wrestling would be great for him, especially if one of the coaches or some of the same boys were on that team, as well. Consistency seems to help him so much. I cried when I read what you had to say about N. I knew what was in the letter even before reading it about him. I miss them both so much, and I know that’s why they don’t write; it’s too hard to express how much they need me at home.

I’ve never said what the other inmates refer to as “being back in the world”. I always say, “going home.” Your visits help me to hold on to the idea of “home”, and being there again. You ask me to write, but it’s so hard to put into words how I feel when I see you through the glass. My arms yearn to hold you again, to run my fingers through your hair. This is how a man should yearn for his woman. It takes time to develop the type of love we have, but it is worth it in the end.

I remember coming home so many times to you waiting, and wanting me with your eyes. They are so seductive and open me up to your soul. I could always see your truth flowing from within. If the children were up, they would come running, screaming, “Daddy”, with such excitement, and the chicken whisperer would come up and put his head on my belly. But you would always allow them to come to me first, most of the time. I hope other men got this same type of treatment, because it is so good to be appreciated by your family when you come home from a long day at work, and most of my days were very long, 14 +hours a day.

You just don’t appreciate your blessing until it is taken away. Even when you bring the boys to a visit, the youngest comes running to me, as you never stop being daddy, even when they take you away. You still hold that same excitement, but I know you have to hold back, but then I can feel it when you press me so close. I long for your embrace, even when you use to squeeze my ribs out of place; which you did that one time…and you never let me live it down.  I worked like that for three or four days before the chiropractor found it and popped it back in place…

I am haunted though, by not being there enough. I should have been there to help you with all of those kids more. I should have listened to you, and been kinder. I was such a bully, and tormented them the way I had been as a child. I didn’t understand myself enough to be more considerate to them. I had so much healing to do. I am ashamed at myself for my lack of tolerance to all of their special needs. This hurts me deep down in my soul.  I allowed my inner child to dictate in those moments. I have asked forgiveness from God, but I keep picking that burden up. Reading the tibetan book helps me to see how close and precious family should be.

Family should be shown love above everything else in life, nurturing each part. God has shown me how a father should be to his children and wife. You were always so patient with me. I only saw that I needed to support the family with money, and now I see that God is first, then family, then self. So many men need to understand this, as our children pay for our mistakes, and then pass it on to the next generation. Tell the men to remember to support the needs of the children, not to exasperate them…

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