I breathe…

Dear Chicano,
Oct.5, 2013

I miss you so much that I don’t know sometimes

how I kept from driving off of the mountain two years ago, after grieving for almost a year, and the angel came and said, “Let him go”.

I really wanted to end it all; the pain of the lies after all of the hard work was so hard to bear.

There is so much hurt between us that I don’t know how to release it all.

I work on loving your family, even though they abandoned us, leaving us to fend for ourselves. I don’t want to hold this pain inside, and I’m slowly getting better. I understand there was confusion, many problems from long ago that keep us bound in shame and pain. It’s like trying to swim in quicksand.

It is painful to look at pictures of you, but I miss you so much that I can’t keep away.

men, women, relationships, lost love, musings,

It hurts to remember, but I can’t stop the memories, so I quit fighting.

Seeing you behind the glass, with your beard so unruly and rough, and your hair scruffy and sticking out, it was a shock. I’ve never seen you like this.
I understand, though, because you are so clean, when you say you’ll be like this for another month, as all of the men have to share one razor. I guess that is worse than the unshaven part. I think again to the three in the book of Daniel who would not bow to a false idol, who refused to turn away from God.

25 He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God. ~ Daniel 3:vs. 25

You are just as strong and able bodied now as you were then, fifteen years ago. Even moreso with the more vegan diet and constant exercises. It boggles the mind, how you persevere through it all.

God must have plans for us.

I breathe and hope they manifest soon.

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