…you haven’t said much about Nate, is he OK? I haven’t seen him in several months now. Well, it’s been over a month since you were last able to come up, also. My last visit was 7-27, but it doesn’t matter now. I don’t want you to see me behind the glass, no contact. We all need to be touched from time to time. But, that’s not really possible in a place like this. If another guy touches you, you have to be on guard because there are so many…well, you know how I feel about that. That’s why I jump if one even comes close.
I miss mom very much. She had her faults, but she really did love me. She had so much trauma that she never could work out. She allowed herself to be a victim her whole life. I hope I’m wrong, but I feel she grieved herself to death because I was in here. I’ll never know…she knew how to make me laugh over the phone. She would tell me things going on around her, with the nurses, or with family who didn’t visit. I love my mom, and really miss her very much. She was my best friend. I didn’t have any friends. I guess that was my own doing. I couldn’t ever let anyone close to me due to my abandonment issues. I didn’t realize this until you sent me the John Bradshaw book.
They just brought dinner, yummy..not! They don’t really care about how they feed us, but I chose this vegan diet because you always said it was a better way to eat than how we always ate. You know how much I loved carnesalis. Sigh. But, I also don’t trust the meat they serve here, it looks rotten, and is always covered in gravy. So, I’d rather eat something than nothing, so grits, soy milk, peanut better and white bread it is.
Know that my love for you will never end. I feel now that the real issue is the thought of losing you entirely in my life. Most men aren’t going to like their partner going to see a former husband. You have to do what is best for you and our children, and not worry about my feelings. I’m in here and that’s only going to change if they set me free. Please know that I pray for you, and to be set free, and see myself outside these walls, and with you all.
But, until that happens, I have to endure all that is thrown at me, like you do.
The guys keep talking about the ‘packages’, and they can’t wait to eat something decent for a change. We are so cut off life that only someone that goes through this could understand. The small things are really important in here.
I wouldn’t ever want to come back here, but I see men get released, only to come back within a few months to a year.
I’m going for now. I’ll write more in another letter later. Please don’t hate me for how I am because I am trying to heal, and be better aware of my feeling. I love you very much and miss you even more. Let the boys know I’m thinking about them, and love them, too.