Sometimes You need a Good Kick in the Ass (Still in Seg)

9-9-13

Dear Shel,

I received you letter today.

I thought that by now you would know that you can write anything to me,

as long as it is not hurtful. Being hurtful only in that I’m still in love with you and don’t need or want to hear about your other lovers. Your letter always seem to have their own basis. I’ve only want to know how things are going.

I did not ask you to send more money, but you seem to want to ignore this. Use your money for your own needs, and the kids. I will be just fine.

Sounds as though you are online for quite some time each day. This is what you used to do so much when I was home. That didn’t leave much time for anyone else, like me or the children. I know this sounds selfish to you, but it’s equally selfish of your self to be in front of the computer so much. This is a good possibility why the boys are on their computers so much.

I’m not being judgemental, just making a statement to something you should look at. The journaling online sounds great to track where things are going, but challenge yourself to pay attention, and to cut down on this.

You need to stop focusing on how much weight you need to lose, and get down to doing the work to get if off. I remember doing this so much, but all I would do is look at myself and not see any difference. So if or when i focused on just doing the work, I started not looking for myself to look better, but ways to do more work towards getting it off, because I’ve lost several inches, but no weight.

I’ve gained so much muscle from all of the exercises I do now in my cell that at 260 pounds, I am less than when I weight 244. Watch what you are asking for, I know you have challenges, but find a way around them to work out, while also strengthening your body, at the same time.

I’ve learned to work through the pain of my hernia, to make it stronger in that area. If all I did was worry I wouldn’t get much done. But, as far as letting them cut on me, it woudl be determined by if it would be from an outside practice, or Central Prison. I won’t let anyone from the prison system cut on me.

Well, as for my diet, I’m now on a religious diet, vegan. I had to become a Buddhist on paper for the people who run the chow hall.

As for your question about dating other men, that is why I’m so distant in my letters. I’m not partial to doing threesomes. There’s no need to continue expressing my desires for you if your heart ends up with someone else. I hope you understand my position. It’s not about hurting you.

If your heart is to be with me then that’s where it should be, and stay there; but if your heart is with someone else, then by all means, do so.

I know how much it hurts you to see our son on the field and the other dads are yelling out their sons’ numbers, and I’m not there on the bleachers with you. This breaks my heart, too. I do wish so much that I could watch my son play football. I don’t want for him to cry because I’m not there.

Let him know that I’m always there, even if it’s just the sun shining in his hair, or when he sees his shadow. My heart and love are always with him, and I’m very proud of him, also.

lost love, family, isolation, solitude, musings, writing

So, tell him to knock the Hell out of his opponent for me. Tell him to think of his brother teasing him hard. I just wanted to cry when you wrote about his emotions. I do feel his pain.

I’m sorry about your speeding ticket problem. But, if you would just slow your ass down, you wouldn’t have this stress in your life. I know this is hard for you, but you really need to slow down. I know it’s over two hours to come see me, but I’m surprised they haven’t taken your license.

You’re probably pissed off right now reading this, but sometimes you need a good kick in the ass. (I think after 13 years I still have the right to say that.)

Lonliness. If you think you know what that is then you should be in this place for awhile. I’m not going to go there. You do what you need to do, and I’ll trust God for my needs. God is where you need to be looking for help with these boys.

All I can do is have a mindset to get out with each lesson that I learn in here.

I guess what you want is really for someone to take care of YOU. I would ask you to look to God for your answers, not other men, seek Him for everything and truly listen to Him. But you don’t want to hear that from me. You just want me to say it’s OK. Well, you’re not going to get that from me. There. That’s my true feelings. How do you like that, now?

Own up to your own problems. Find out what or why this continues to happen to you. You keep re-enacting these lessons, but refuse to keep learning from them. Give God your burdens and truly seek His face.

If we are going to work towards being together you are going to have to have faith in God that HE will take care of your need until I am freed.

Tell the boys I love and miss them very, very much.

I love you. Please take care.

I hope you don’t hate me for being so blunt.

Chicano

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